Major Boris Johnson appealed for calm last night as a group of street cleaners were caught allegedly attempting to assassinate the Pope.
"Street cleaning is an occupation of peace, in fact it literally means peace" said a sweaty BoJo as he stresse...
The world's media reacted in outrage today as Reverend Terry Jones said he would not burn a Koran.
In a statement made under police protection, he told shocked reporters he also had no intention of killing children or raping blacks.
Immediately...
The world's mightiest intellect has caused controversy by announcing that Father Christmas does not exist.
In a brilliant interview in the Guardian, Europe's foremost newspaper for top thinkers, Hawking, who is literally a human brain, states "the...
In a decision sure to shock Top Gear fans, ex PM Tony Bliar is to reveal the secret identity of the mysterious driver known as the Stig.
Fat balding presenter, Jeremy Clarkson intoned " It is truly unbelievable. I can forgive him for Iraq and lyin...
Susan Boyle and veteran rockers U2 are said to be delighted to perform on a new concept album dedicated to the memory of Raoul Moat.
The album entitled The Love Moat also includes contributions from Coldplay and Phil Collins, who will be singing f...
The BBC has announced it is to construct a moat around its central London offices as a tribute to Raoul Moat.
The moat is to be filled with the crocodile tears cried by BBC and Guardian journalists, members of the Northumberland Police service and...
After England's ignominious 4-1 defeat by Germany, the English Football Association has turned to an unlikely source of salvation, David Icke.
This shock decision is sure to outrage many England fans already angered by their team's poor performanc...
There's mounting anger in Hollywood tonight, as liberals, enraged by the decision of the Swiss to ban minarets, have announced they will take firm action against the 'rogue nation'.
Already 5,000 celebrities have signed a petition demanding that Rom...
In a surprise announcement, Nick Griffin leader of the British National Party, and Bonnie Greer, black historian, have set the date for their wedding.
This follows a whirlwind romance which took place after Mr Griffin's appearance on Question Time...
A throne made of solid gold costing 55 MILLION was claimed on expenses by Conservative MP Douglas Hogg, it was revealed by the Telegraph last night.
Angry taxpayers and members of Hogg's constituency immediately jammed the switchboard of his luxur...
Signs of Gordon Brown's desperation and increasing distance from reality have appeared today when he announced his latest cabinet reshuffle, a reshuffle which includes the mouldering corpse of Karl Marx, dead for over a century.
In what is seen as...
"He knew our criminality sprang from lack of opportunity so he endeavored to give us more."
A tearful mugger and part time murderer spoke for many when he said, on hearing the news of Ian Blair's resignation, "he was the best friend we ever had."...
Stung by claims that they are insensitive to the welfare of cows, Ice Cream moguls Ben and Jerry have today unveiled their latest product - ice cream made from the breast milk of human females.
To facilitate this, they have purchased over a millio...
Controversial film-maker and polemicist, Michael Moore, produces 60% of the world's methane, experts revealed last night.
However it could mark the end of the world if he ever unleashes even a fraction of the monstrous amount of gas which scientis...
The Republican party was reeling this evening after revelations that its vice presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, had starred in a series of low budget Canadian softcore porn movies in the late 1970s.
The films, with titles like Confessions of a...
"Matt Damon is voting for Matt Damon because Matt Damon knows who Matt Damon is." With those words, actor Matt Damon launched his presidential campaign.
Damon, considered by many to be not only the world's finest actor, but also its greatest polit...
A cabal of evil Frenchies have today switched on a device which will ultimately lead to the destruction of the universe.
The doomsday machine, named after its mad German inventor, Doktor Von Doomsday, was originally designed to convert sawdust and...
Figures from the Joint Examiners for Learning Qualifications (JELQ) show 110.2% of entries in England, Wales and Northern Ireland passed, up from 109.9%.
This means that 10% more students passed their exams than actually took them, a triumph for o...