Showing stories written by Candice Hitler

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Funny story: Jose Morinho 'Baghs' Iraq Manager Job

Jose Morinho 'Baghs' Iraq Manager Job

Leather faced grumblestiltskin Jose Mourinho denies rumours he may take over the sacrificial lamb/temping post of England manager but has thrown his name into the bullet riddled hat to be the next president and manager of struggling third world divis...
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Funny story: Deathrow for Heathrow

Deathrow for Heathrow

The M25 of the aviation world, Heathrow, has half baked five radical new 'pilot' schemes to combat its growing over use.
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Funny story: Sustainable Energy: Foreigners

Sustainable Energy: Foreigners

'Lazy, bearded and speaking in tongues' is how Jacqui Smith described the 1.1 million immigrants currently filling a necessary niche market in the UK economy by cleaning people's car windows at traffic lights and supplying the UK with muc...
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Funny story: Ming & Britney's Liberal Love Making

Ming & Britney's Liberal Love Making

The 'toxic' chanteuse famous for hitting a baby one more time has eloped with confused ex-Lib Dem burden Sir Menzies Camp Bell.
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Funny story: Abortion/Execution: It's Never Too Late

Abortion/Execution: It's Never Too Late

The age of abortion is to be raised to seventeen it was happily announced today by leading political 18 year old David Millipede. Unwanted teen 'mistakes' can now be rectified by getting a registered GP to back over him/her in a four door Mar...
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Funny story: Maddie's Daddy's a Baddy

Maddie's Daddy's a Baddy

Partially sighted evidence-losers, the Portuguese police, have today sacked the 'parents' of missing Madeleine McCann from their PR department.
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Funny story: Mass Insecticide Memorial Unveiled

Mass Insecticide Memorial Unveiled

Semi-pickled nylon clad monarch The Queen today unveiled a Damien Hirst designed memorial to all the insects and plants killed in World War Two. The piece depicts a woodlouse being cruelly fumigated by Nazi pest police.
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Funny story: Sky-Scraper for Beared Tit

Sky-Scraper for Beared Tit

Dashing money hoarding vagabond Richard Branson today spoke about his 'Virgin on the ridiculous' botched arse-exposing PR abseil down 'lucky for some' Palm's Casino on rising failure chat show 'Under Thatched Roof' with un...
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Funny story: Dollar Devalued

Dollar Devalued

It's no longer 'all about the Benjamins'. The American dollar is now so weak (think Adam Sandler movie weak), that the average supersized god bothering American is selling their notes to illegal paper merchants as this fetches more money...
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Funny story: Deathbed Bug

Deathbed Bug

A hospital bug the size of a big idea was captured today after apparently roaming the roach-lined corridors of an NHS minibus-hospital. The bug was apprehended and questioned by pest controlling pest Dean Snodgrass and was later forced to apologies t...
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Funny story: Injury Scare For England

Injury Scare For England

England ace John 'Chocolate Orange' Terry has broken his hair days before the team's impending defeat to dog-eating rock growers Estonia. Claude LeRouge, the team's hair and make up physio, spotted Terry's split end injury during...
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Funny story: Soldiers of Misfortune

Soldiers of Misfortune

Mangled and maimed British troops sent back from the one-sided war in former peace-mongering rogue state Iraq are being told they will have to raise their own funds for medical care in a 'bob-a-job' manner.
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Funny story: Japs' Eye View

Japs' Eye View

Japan. Home of barely edible raw fish, ninjas and self destructing middle aged hag-wagons Hyundai. But it is Japan's world beating advances in technology that first bought them to the attention of the civilised world. Japanese manufacturing slave...
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Funny story: Bore Gore Has No Facts In Store

Bore Gore Has No Facts In Store

Nearly man and fame-seeking environ-'mentalist' Al Gore's new film 'Things What Have Been Done Bad To The Planet' is not only factually ridiculous it is also insufferably dull and voiced by Bilko rip-off and fast-witted postwar fe...
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Funny story: Brown and Out

Brown and Out

Surly Clunking fister and Part time Jack Dee impersonator Gordon 'Not Flash' Brown is mostly hospitalised today after receiving a good old fashioned Eton tongue lashing (metaphorically this time) from tubby toff Tory marksman David Cameron.
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Funny story: D.I.Why Not

D.I.Why Not

Overly-homosexual Irish innuendo peddler Graham Norton is releasing his own range of gay-friendly DIY products. The bum-loving leprechaun expects his 'Poof's Powertools' to hit (and fix) shelves in time for the inevitable sludgy torrent t...
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Funny story: Tranny from the Block

Tranny from the Block

Flabby-arsed Latino pop tart and part-time movie ruiner Jeniffer 'Love' Lopez was formerly an insurance clerk called Raymond Stuge it was revealed today.
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Funny story: Privates Eyed

Privates Eyed

Pea-headed political wart and editor of potentially satirical fish wrapper 'Private Eye' Ian Hislop was today embroiled in his own 'sleaze' scandal.
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Trump is Trying to Bring Osama Bin Laden Back to Life

He has vowed to undo EVERYTHING Obama ever did.
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