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Media Honors Spitzer with "Embattled" Moniker

NEW YORK (Heewack News Network)-- Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer (D), whose escapades with a high-priced prostitute forced him to resign in disgrace, has earned the highly coveted "embattled" moniker from the nation's media.

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Patrick Swayze Fans Brawl Over Legacy

Funny story: Patrick Swayze Fans Brawl Over Legacy

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. (Heewack News Network)--Rival groups of fans holding vigils for Patrick Swayze engaged in a full-scale brawl while arguing over the terminally ill actor's legacy. Police reported 42 arrests; at least 12 people were injured.

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Evel Kneivel's Hearse Clears Record 30 Gravestones

Funny story: Evel Kneivel's Hearse Clears Record 30 Gravestones

BUTTE, Montana (Heewack News Network)-- The hearse carrying the body of famed stuntrider Evel Kneivel cleared a record 30 gravestones at his burial site, providing a spectacular ending to a solemn service and a storied career.

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Geraldo Rivera Puts Out Calif. Wildfires, Arrests Arsonist, Feeds Refugees

SAN DIEGO (HNN) -- No-holds-barred journalist/American hero Geraldo Rivera traveled to southern California yesterday and personally put out all of the wildfires that have devastated the region. Additionally, he made a citizen's a...

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TheSpoof.com Gets Tough with Apathetic Writer, Docks Points

Funny story: TheSpoof.com Gets Tough with Apathetic Writer, Docks Points

MACEDONIA, OHIO (Heewack News Network)-- Occasional TheSpoof.com contributor Heewack (not his real name) was stunned this morning to find that he had earned minus-2 points so far today, a development he called "unprecedented in his two-month his...

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Hurricane Dean Defies Bush Administration

Funny story: Hurricane Dean Defies Bush Administration

ATLANTIC OCEAN (Heewack News Network) - Despite the threat of sanctions by the Bush Administration, Tropical Storm Dean developed into a full-fledged hurricane and said if would come ashore "if it wanted to."...

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Fat Guy Spotted Pulling Green Plaid Suitcase

Funny story: Fat Guy Spotted Pulling Green Plaid Suitcase

NEW YORK (Heewack News Network) -- A fat middle-aged man was spotted on a busy street here toting a green plaid suitcase.

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Rooney to be 'Humanely Destroyed'

Funny story: Rooney to be 'Humanely Destroyed'

LONDON (Heewack News Network) -- Doctors said they are unable to save the foot of Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney, who was injured in last week's 0-0 draw with Reading. Team officials said Rooney may have to be "put down" this we...

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West Ham Hires Neville Chamberlain in Last-Ditch Effort to Keep Tevez

Funny story: West Ham Hires Neville Chamberlain in Last-Ditch Effort to Keep Tevez

LONDON (Heewack News Network) -- West Ham United have retained the services of the late Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain in a last-ditch effort to prevent striker Carlos Tevez from switching to Manchester United. The Rt. Hon. Chamberlain, last s...

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Injured Chelsea Captain Dreads 'Bracist' Comments

Funny story: Injured Chelsea Captain Dreads 'Bracist' Comments

LONDON (Heewack News Network) -- Injured Chelsea captain John Terry said yesterday he is "dreading" his return to fitness this season because of bracist fans.

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Supermarket Chain to Offer Free Drugs; Rock Stars Queue Up

Funny story: Supermarket Chain to Offer Free Drugs; Rock Stars Queue Up

CAPE CORAL, Florida (Heewack News Network) -- Dozens of rock stars lined up outside the Pubix supermarket here after the chain announced that it would provide free quantities of certain drugs.

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Muppets, Ewoks Brawl at Henson Productions Reunion

Funny story: Muppets, Ewoks Brawl at Henson Productions Reunion

LOS ANGELES -- A reunion organized to celebrate the life of the late Jim Henson was marred by a vicious brawl between the Muppets and their chief rivals, the Ewoks.

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Man U in Community Shield Herpes Scare

Funny story: Man U in Community Shield Herpes Scare

WEMBLEY (Heewack News Network) -- The entire Manchester United football team has been quarantined following a massive herpes outbreak caused when an unnamed infected player kissed the Community Shield following the team's victory over Chelsea FC.

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Manchester United Signs Fetus Still in Womb

Funny story: Manchester United Signs Fetus Still in Womb

MANCHESTER, England (Heewack News Network) -- Manchester United continued its flurry of off-season activity by announcing it had signed Fetus McCLetus, the soon-to-be son of Mary and Kenneth McCletus of Woking.

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Chelsea Supporters Write New Chant for Manchester United

Funny story: Chelsea Supporters Write New Chant for Manchester United

LONDON (Heewack News Network) -- A new season approaches for the English Premier League--and for Chelsea FC supporters, a change of heart and best wishes to their good friends at Manchester United.

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American, Brit Have Clueless Conversation About Football

Funny story: American, Brit Have Clueless Conversation About Football

LONDON (Heewack News Network) -- An American tourist and a local had an inebriated two-hour conversation about football at a pub here without realizing they were talking about two different sports.

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God to Bill Walsh: Use Single-Wing Offense or Go to Hell

Funny story: God to Bill Walsh: Use Single-Wing Offense or Go to Hell

HEAVEN (Heewack News Network) -- God has delivered an ultimatum to former San Francisco 49ers Coach Bill Walsh, who died on Monday: He can coach Heaven's team using a single-wing offense, or he can go straight to hell.

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Ant Sole Survivor of Massacre By 8-Year-Olds

Funny story: Ant Sole Survivor of Massacre By 8-Year-Olds

MANASSAS, VA. (Heewack News Network) -- Just one ant survived a vicious massacre allegedly perpetrated by two eight-year-olds at a playground in this former Civil War city.

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Breaking news…

The Only Way to Get the Palestinians to the Table

Our Middle East correspondent M. Voltaire opines: If you want PLO/Hamas to come to the Peace Table, set out copious quantities of rancid cheese --it's the only enticing incentive for street rats.
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