Salt Lake City - Security here at the Salt Lake City Airport detained a toddler after an officer smelled "a potential terrorist substance" coming from the child's diaper.
One year-old Christopher Billingsly, known as Teddy Bear to those who love h...
Washington - A study was released here today proving Americans are much better at rioting than people in other countries - especially the UK.
"We rock when it comes to rioting," says White House spokesperson, Perry Larson. "No one riots like the U...
New York City - A homeless woman here cried out to God to help her find food to feed her and her three year-old child, saying, "Oh, please, God. Don't let my baby die!" God replied an hour later.
"I had to tell her 'no way,'" God said. "I realize...
Miami, Florida - Evolutionists could not contain their excitement when a paper and ink factory exploded today, inadvertently creating an entire, accurate dictionary in its wake.
Miami Paper and Ink Inc. exploded for unknown reasons. As hundreds w...
Washington DC - The First Lady has taken further and more drastic action in her efforts to raise everyone's children for them. Michelle Obama, whose work to bring tasteless and crappy food to the nation's school cafeterias was a dismal failure and on...
Kansas City - A local man here discovered today that indeed everyone in the whole wide world hated him and wished he was dead - including his own family, who would love nothing more than to smash his head in.
Ezekiel Stanford, 40, a local man who...
Washington DC - A conservative Catholic group known as "Parishioners Eliminating Naughty Insinuation Society", or "PENIS," demanded today that politicians stop using the word "caucus" for what they call "obvious reasons."
"People are always trying...
Washington - Republicans and Democrats announced today that they would be meeting by the swing sets at recess to "solve their differences" once and for all - and "no fair telling teacher!"
"You're dead at recess!" said Obama, pointing an accusing...
Facebook - A woman here has contracted what scientist are calling "a new kind of virus we can make money off of", after excessive and uprotected "poking" of friends on her Facebook account.
Mellisa Darin had gained the reputation of "not caring wh...
Kansas City - A local man here manipulated his own mind with guilt-trips until reaching the decision to remove his own testicles before committing himself to a relationship.
40 year-old Jack Sloan reported to officials that he had used a plastic b...
Washington DC - Officials here reported that after farting, President Bush's head shrank at least three inches, causing many Americans to state "that explains a lot."...
OMAHA - Americans are gearing up for the upcoming celebration of Independence Day with plans to barbeque, let off fireworks, inflict third-degree burns on themselves and others, and drive drunk.
SEATTLE - An extremely insensitive jerk was arrested today after he blatantly informed a female co-worker that he thought she had a nice blouse.
THE BRAIN - A brain tumor in the left hemisphere announced today that according to doctors he has a malignant Ted Kennedy and was expected to be rid of it in at least three months.
HOLLYWOOD - Producers here are apologizing to audiences today after they allowed an ugly person to appear in their teen movie entitled "Good-Looking People Get Killed Because of Technology."...
SALT LAKE CITY - The enduring mystery of what Jesus really looked like was solved today after the Lord returned to earth in his Second Coming.
SAN ANTONIO - A woman who never leaves home without her cross on a chain reported today that she also glorifies the bullet that killed her friend who "was the greatest friend in the whole world" and was "closer than a sister."
NEW ORLEANS - A local black man is in serious condition here after he repeatedly ran into an officer's night stick and boot with his face and ribs late Monday night.