Washington, DC - At a press conference held in the White House West Wing, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs has announced President Obama is going to address the concerns of birthers, and those sitting on the fence.
"As I speak, President Obama is sign...
PHILADELPHIA - The Thomas Jefferson hospital here has installed the nation's first and only DOG scan unit. It was purchased from the Siemens DOG shelter in Leipzig, Germany.
"Dis iss a great day fur Philadelphia. The DOG scan vill perfectly compl...
CAROTID - Barney Fyfe, Defense Minister of Teflondia, has announced that his country and Souvlakia have declared war on each other. At a press conference held here today in the capital of Teflondia, he said that troops were sent across the border to...
CHICAGO - At a meeting here of American college and university presidents, a motion was made and passed to lower the drinking age to 11.
"At first the drinking age was 18. Then it was raised to 21, and caused a lot of resentment," stated Dr. Robe...
CALCUTTA - Architectural Digest, the premier lifestyles magazine, is featuring the Black Hole of Calcutta in this month's edition.
"We wanted to do a spread on 19th century life, especially in the Third World" explained Paige Smith, editor in chi...
AKRON - At the Soapbox Derby time trials held here today, Lazlo Toth, a twelve year old participant in the race suffered a double hernia when he attempted to push his racecar up an incline.
Toth was taken to the Henry Ford Hospital by ambulance,...
WELCH - Billy Bob Simpkins, a Pentecostal Christian and photographer in this West Virginia coal-mining town, has said that he is renouncing cameras. "The good Lord will take all the pictures I need," he told this newspaper.
He also said that he w...
TUNIS - The foreign minister of Tunisia, I' bin Farteen, has announced that the northeast corner of the country has broken off and declared independence. He said that section of Tunisia is now calling itself Threenesia. He added he was confident that...
MONTE CARLO - Lance Garibaldi, a spokesman for the Presidential Palace held a press conference here today, and announced the formation of LATO - the Leftovers Atlantic Treaty Organization.
"Since we were not allowed to join NATO, we decided to fo...
WASHINGTON, DC - Leo, a spokesman for the Predators Liberation Organization (PLO) has announced that he has become a vegetarian.
Leo has also said that he is encouraging other lions to join him, stating, "The future of the planet is at stake." He...
VIENNA - Police here have announced that they have discovered a teddy bear, which has been imprisoned in a bunker on the outskirts of Vienna.
ALBANY - At a press conference held here today in New York State's capital, Governor David Paterson announced that New York State has formally declared war on New Jersey.
BALTIMORE - The Shopping News has promoted Sir John Smith to the newly created position of literary editor.
NEW YORK - Amber, an escort with the Diamond Dust Agency, wants the whole world to know she is born again.
BUFFALO - Snickers, a domestic shorthair, has said he is planning to attack the human who lives in the house, while he sleeps.
PARIS - The Reverend Fred Phelps, pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church has announced that the phonoautograph recording of Au Claire De La Lune has a Satanic message, when played backwards.
NORTH POLE - In an interview with the Anchorage Daily News, Frosty The Snowman has admitted to abusing OxyContin, and being addicted to cocaine.
Hello dear readers. My name is Alexander Woolcott, and this is my inaugural column for advice on fine dining and etiquette.
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