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GOP Criticizing Obama for Picking Kentucky Instead of Israel

WASHINGTON -- Republican leaders are engaging in a bit of their own "March Madness" in criticizing President Obama for picking the number one ranked and undefeated Kentucky Wildcats to win the NCAA men's basketball championship instead of GOP favorit...

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Cruz Hopes to Bring Will Robinson, Jupiter 2 Crew Home

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- As his first act as chair of the Senate subcommittee on Space, Science and Competitiveness, Texas Senator Ted Cruz has pledged to focus all of NASA's resources on bringing Will Robinson and the crew of the Jupiter 2 back home to E...

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Jeb Bush Hopes To Become Second Dumbest President In Nation's History

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. - Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush on Tuesday took his most definitive step yet toward a bid for the White House, announcing "I hope to become the second dumbest president in the history of our great nation." Bush said he plans t...

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Madonna Posing Topless As Aging Male Fans Hope They're Still Erection-Capable

At 56, Madonna has posed topless for a magazine photo shoot, hoping to prove that the same 16-year-old boys first experiencing the wonders of manhood by masturbating to her nude photos 30 years ago, will still do as lonely, broken, well-moisturized m...

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Giuliani Hopes Blathering Sideshow Racist Gig Leads To White House

Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani hopes his newfound gig as a blathering far-right sideshow racist will again bring him the same popularity he experienced in the wake of 9/11, but frittered away as he encouraged our country to stay unified in...

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Ray Rice Suspension Overturned, Now Eligible To Punch Roger Goodell

HOOTERS -- Former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice has had his indefinite suspension from the NFL overturned, and is immediately eligible to punch NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell in the elevator of his office suite. "I just wanna get back to...

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Ted Cruz Turns To Words Of Og The Caveman In Denouncing Immigration Plan

WASHINGTON D.C. -- Texas Republican Sen. Ted Cruz turned to the ancient words of Og the Cro-Magnon Thursday on the Senate floor to denounce President Obama's planned actions that are expected to grant legal status to millions of illegal immigrants in...

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South Carolina AG: Marriage Should Be Between A Man And Pre-Teen Bride Of Choice

CHARLESTON, S.C. - A judge issued the first gay marriage licenses in South Carolina on Wednesday, even as the state attorney general asked the U.S. Supreme Court to step in and block the action by defining marriage as the legally recognized union...

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Bush Disputes Hitler Comparison; Says Cheney With A Little Mustache Would Fit The Bill

DALLAS -- Former president George W. Bush is confused as to why a middle school teacher asked his students to make comparisons between Bush and Adolf Hitler, noting that former vice president Dick Cheney is much more of a modern-day political tyrant,...

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Goodell: NFL Mistakenly Viewed Erin Andrews Peephole Video in Ray Rice Case

MANHATTAN -- Commissioner Roger Goodell has acknowledged that the NFL mistakenly viewed the Erin Andrews peephole video when originally trying to determine appropriate discipline in the domestic violence case against former Baltimore Ravens running b...

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Gov. Perry Targeting ICEE Terrorists; Also Eyeing Slurpee Militants, Slushie Extremists

AUSTIN, Texas -- Gov. Rick Perry has announced that the Texas National Guard will be deployed to ferret out suspected ICEE terrorists who have moved across the border into the Lone Star State in an attempt to sabotage the diets of American children w...

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Tony Stewart Runs Down Confrontational Great-Grandmother In Piggly Wiggly Parking Lot

(Editor's Note: We apologize for this story in advance. Subscription cancellations should be directed to our circulation department, although they have quit in protest, so be patient until we replace them) BEAUFORT, N.C. -- NASCAR driver Tony Stew...

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Cavaliers Finalize Love Deal, Bringing Beach Boys Lyricist To Cleveland

CLEVELAND -- The Cleveland Cavaliers have finally consummated a much discussed and debated deal, acquiring Mike Love from the Beach Boys in exchange for their prized good vibrations. "Mike and I had discussed this after some of the Beach Boys reun...

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West Virginia Senator Manchin To Consult With Obi-Wan Kenobi on White House Bid

WHEELING, WV -- U.S. Sen. Joe Manchin said he is flattered by those supporters who are encouraging him to run for president, but he would have to first tap into the wisdom of his most trusted mentor, Obi-Wan Kenobi, before making a decision on whethe...

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Trump Warns That American Patient Has Zombie Strain Of Ebola

MANHATTAN -- Donald Trump is insisting the American returned to U.S. soil with the Ebola virus has contracted a mutated zombie strain of the disease that can reanimate the dead, which could lead to Democrats trying to register them to vote, according...

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Clinton Once Planned Oral Sex Rendezvous With Bin Laden's Wives

Funny story: Clinton Once Planned Oral Sex Rendezvous With Bin Laden's Wives

WASHINGTON -- Former President Bill Clinton once told an audience in Australia that he could have received oral sex from at least two dozen of Osama bin Laden's teen-age wives, and had in fact packed ennough cigars and sanitary smocks for the rendezv...

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CNN Poll: Obama Would Lose To Jefferson Davis

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Obama is losing favor with Americans at such an alarming rate, that if they could do the 2012 election all over again, they'd overwhelming back the former president of the Confederate States of America, Jefferson Davis.

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Goodell: Red Bull More Integrity-Damaging Than Smacking A Mouthy Broad

MANHATTAN -- NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced that he will no longer penalize players for domestic violence, noting that consuming large doses of performance-enhancing Red Bull tarnishes the integrity of the game much more than smacking a...

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Breaking news…

Putin Hacked The Emmys

NBC, ABC, and CBS all claim that Russian President Putin hacked the Emmy Award computers, to explain how unknown, barely-viewed shows on Netflix and HBO could win so many awards.
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