Medical experts are baffled after an epidemic of the dreaded Walk Like a Drum Major disease spread throughout the entire population of 4,200 residents of Corksburg.
"Everyone is slow marching and carrying batons. It's really strange," said long...
Millions of people were shocked and saddened today after the remains of Mr. Potatohead, who had been reported missing three weeks ago by his family, were found in a plate of hashbrown potatoes at an Iowa Denny's restaurant.
"The customer noticed...
During an emotional television interview, actor Steve Buscemi acknowledged that he's known for years that he has too many teeth.
"I'm tired of lying about it and decided to admit it--I have way too many teeth," the 55-year-old Buscemi told Oprah...
America's new surplus of natural gas is not only putting money into the pockets of energy companies, but is also providing a break for renters and homeowners, says one expert.
"Before the price drop, many Americans couldn't afford natural gas serv...
Ficktor Grunsch claims he's tried more than 100 diets to lose weight without success, and decided to try hypnosis after reading about the success others have had with the procedure.
A month after being hypnotized, however, Grunsch said that not on...
Barney Stickles, a 40-year old employee of a local public relations company, suffered multiple abrasions and bruises today in an accident after his boss directed him to hit the ground running.
"He got skinned up pretty bad," said said paramedic F...
Local congressman Dickie Scribbles announced that he will resign next month in order to spend more time with someone else's family. "My family is okay," said Scribbles.
"I mean, they're nice people and all, but I really like my neighbor's wife a...
Manny Horkle's wife Bunny said she first noticed a problem when Manny suddenly stopped functioning while the couple was taking an evening walk.
"We were walking along and, all of a sudden, he just froze and his left eye began twitching rapidly,"...
Pope Francis today claimed that retired Pope Benedict XVI (pronounced "Zvi") touched him inappropriately during their March 23rd visit. "When I first walked the room, he gave me a big bear hug, which I thought was nice, but then he wouldn't let go,"...
Carnival Cruise Lines, whose ships recently have been plagued by one mechanical problem after another, announced today that they are replacing their ships' lifeboats with tugboats.
"We believe this is a win-win solution. The 24 tugboats on each...
Wink Packard spends most of his time watching television, particularly news programs. But it's not the news he tunes in for, it's the pharmaceutical commercials. "I really like the drug commercials," he said, adding that he tries out each one of th...
Doctors in the small town of Flooters Bend have announced that a baby with a Phillips head butt crack was born in a local hospital yesterday, a never-before seen occurrence. "It's unique, alright," said Dr. Lionel Shizzmer, the doctor who delivered...
Garson Weedleston estimates that his laugh has been featured on more than 500 television programs. "People think I'm the happiest guy in the world because I'm a professional laugh track laugher, but in reality, it's a tough, demanding job," said Wee...
In a surprise announcement, Taliban militants today said they will discontinue attacks on people and, instead, will form a company specializing in gopher and mole eradication using IEDs.
"We still hate infidels and Western countries, but we hate...
In a written statement today, God said He's tired of the "same old prayers" and asks that people come up with some new ones.
"If I hear that 'Now I lay me down to sleep,' chestnut one more time, I'm gonna gag," God wrote. On a side note, 67-yea...
Race Driver Danica Patrick celebrated her 31st birthday Monday by winning the Daytona 241, a much shorter version of the Daytona 500, which was held last month.
Unfortunately, said observers, Patrick drove the entire race with her left turn sign...
For more than 40 years, Gideon Sunderfirk plied his trade as a circus contortionist, which made his recent death all the more memorable as he became the first human to ever kiss his own ass goodbye.
"It was an extraordinary exit for an extraordi...
Hamburger today announced that it and its longtime collaborator Hamburger Helper have parted ways following a disagreement. "Not to sound arrogant, but I was the more important one," said Hamburger. "Helper would have been nothing without me."
H...