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Town's Entire Population Stricken With "Walk Like a Drum Major" Disease

Medical experts are baffled after an epidemic of the dreaded Walk Like a Drum Major disease spread throughout the entire population of 4,200 residents of Corksburg. "Everyone is slow marching and carrying batons. It's really strange," said long...

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Remains of Mr. Potatohead Discovered in Restaurant Customer's Hashbrowns

Millions of people were shocked and saddened today after the remains of Mr. Potatohead, who had been reported missing three weeks ago by his family, were found in a plate of hashbrown potatoes at an Iowa Denny's restaurant. "The customer noticed...

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Actor Steve Buscemi Tells Oprah Winfrey He Has Too Many Teeth

Funny story: Actor Steve Buscemi Tells Oprah Winfrey He Has Too Many Teeth

During an emotional television interview, actor Steve Buscemi acknowledged that he's known for years that he has too many teeth. "I'm tired of lying about it and decided to admit it--I have way too many teeth," the 55-year-old Buscemi told Oprah...

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Cheaper Natural Gas Means Fewer People Must Rely on Flatulence for Home Heating

Funny story: Cheaper Natural Gas Means Fewer People Must Rely on Flatulence for Home Heating

America's new surplus of natural gas is not only putting money into the pockets of energy companies, but is also providing a break for renters and homeowners, says one expert. "Before the price drop, many Americans couldn't afford natural gas serv...

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Man Who Went to Hypnotist to Lose Weight Instead Develops Owl Fetish

Funny story: Man Who Went to Hypnotist to Lose Weight Instead Develops Owl Fetish

Ficktor Grunsch claims he's tried more than 100 diets to lose weight without success, and decided to try hypnosis after reading about the success others have had with the procedure. A month after being hypnotized, however, Grunsch said that not on...

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Employee Injured Trying to Hit the Ground Running

Barney Stickles, a 40-year old employee of a local public relations company, suffered multiple abrasions and bruises today in an accident after his boss directed him to hit the ground running. "He got skinned up pretty bad," said said paramedic F...

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Politician Quits to Spend More Time With Someone Else's Family

Funny story: Politician Quits to Spend More Time With Someone Else's Family

Local congressman Dickie Scribbles announced that he will resign next month in order to spend more time with someone else's family. "My family is okay," said Scribbles. "I mean, they're nice people and all, but I really like my neighbor's wife a...

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Man Contracts Virus From His Computer

Funny story: Man Contracts Virus From His Computer

Manny Horkle's wife Bunny said she first noticed a problem when Manny suddenly stopped functioning while the couple was taking an evening walk. "We were walking along and, all of a sudden, he just froze and his left eye began twitching rapidly,"...

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Old Pope Accused of Inappropriately Touching New Pope

Funny story: Old Pope Accused of Inappropriately Touching New Pope

Pope Francis today claimed that retired Pope Benedict XVI (pronounced "Zvi") touched him inappropriately during their March 23rd visit. "When I first walked the room, he gave me a big bear hug, which I thought was nice, but then he wouldn't let go,"...

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Carnival Cruise Lines Replacing Lifeboats With Tugboats

Funny story: Carnival Cruise Lines Replacing Lifeboats With Tugboats

Carnival Cruise Lines, whose ships recently have been plagued by one mechanical problem after another, announced today that they are replacing their ships' lifeboats with tugboats. "We believe this is a win-win solution. The 24 tugboats on each...

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Man Takes Every Medication Advertised on the Evening News

Funny story: Man Takes Every Medication Advertised on the Evening News

Wink Packard spends most of his time watching television, particularly news programs. But it's not the news he tunes in for, it's the pharmaceutical commercials. "I really like the drug commercials," he said, adding that he tries out each one of th...

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Doctors Mystified by Baby Born With Phillips-Head Butt Crack

Funny story: Doctors Mystified by Baby Born With Phillips-Head Butt Crack

Doctors in the small town of Flooters Bend have announced that a baby with a Phillips head butt crack was born in a local hospital yesterday, a never-before seen occurrence. "It's unique, alright," said Dr. Lionel Shizzmer, the doctor who delivered...

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Life of a Hollywood Laugh Track Laugher Not All Laughs, Says Laugher

Garson Weedleston estimates that his laugh has been featured on more than 500 television programs. "People think I'm the happiest guy in the world because I'm a professional laugh track laugher, but in reality, it's a tough, demanding job," said Wee...

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Taliban To Use IEDs To Start Gopher Exterminating Business

Funny story: Taliban To Use IEDs To Start Gopher Exterminating Business

In a surprise announcement, Taliban militants today said they will discontinue attacks on people and, instead, will form a company specializing in gopher and mole eradication using IEDs. "We still hate infidels and Western countries, but we hate...

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God: "I'm Tired of Same Old Prayers"

Funny story: God: "I'm Tired of Same Old Prayers"

In a written statement today, God said He's tired of the "same old prayers" and asks that people come up with some new ones. "If I hear that 'Now I lay me down to sleep,' chestnut one more time, I'm gonna gag," God wrote. On a side note, 67-yea...

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Danica Patrick Turns 31, Drives Entire Race With Turn Signal On

Funny story: Danica Patrick Turns 31, Drives Entire Race With Turn Signal On

Race Driver Danica Patrick celebrated her 31st birthday Monday by winning the Daytona 241, a much shorter version of the Daytona 500, which was held last month. Unfortunately, said observers, Patrick drove the entire race with her left turn sign...

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Dying Contortionist Actually Kisses His Ass Goodbye

For more than 40 years, Gideon Sunderfirk plied his trade as a circus contortionist, which made his recent death all the more memorable as he became the first human to ever kiss his own ass goodbye. "It was an extraordinary exit for an extraordi...

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Hamburger Says It No Longer Needs Helper

Funny story: Hamburger Says It No Longer Needs Helper

Hamburger today announced that it and its longtime collaborator Hamburger Helper have parted ways following a disagreement. "Not to sound arrogant, but I was the more important one," said Hamburger. "Helper would have been nothing without me." H...

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Breaking news…

United States Stupidity Quotient

The S. Q. increased 16% in the first year of Trump's term of office. It now stands at 69%.
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