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Funny story: The Secret England Footballer's Diary: Euro 2016 and Scotland

The Secret England Footballer's Diary: Euro 2016 and Scotland

Bench warmer. Fringe player. That's what the papers have been calling me ever since the debacle of our World Cup misadventure and I've got to admit it's true. Roy hasn't even had me in the squad for the matches against the Swiss cheese makers and th...
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Funny story: The Secret England Footballer's Countdown to Brazil 2014: Part 6, Holiday in Miami

The Secret England Footballer's Countdown to Brazil 2014: Part 6, Holiday in Miami

Pop? Pop? I ask you, bloody cheeky little twerps...that's what our two teenage prodigies took to calling me. Raheem and Luke, they've hardly got a hair on their collective testicles and they had the nerve to call me "Pop". In fact knowing kids thes...
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Funny story: The Secret England Footballer's Countdown to Brazil 2014, Part 5: The Squad

The Secret England Footballer's Countdown to Brazil 2014, Part 5: The Squad

Yesssssssssss! I'm on my way to Brazil, wohoooo! Good old Roy, he knows a quality player when he sees one, which isn't very often in my case having been on the bench due to my managerial faux pas this season. Now I suppose you'll want to know how...
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Funny story: Angry Liverpool Management Complains to DVLA As Mourinho Parks Two Buses

Angry Liverpool Management Complains to DVLA As Mourinho Parks Two Buses

Jose Mourinho was unapologetic following his team's victory at Liverpool after which he admitted to parking two buses in front of the Chelsea goal. However Liverpool's management was apoplectic at the unorthodox tactics used by Mourinho claiming tha...
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Funny story: BBC Plans New TV Channel for Senior Citizens and Ukip Supporters

BBC Plans New TV Channel for Senior Citizens and Ukip Supporters

BBC Director-General Tony Hall has announced that under pressure from the Daily Mail and with the rise of Ukip the BBC is to introduce a new TV channel to cater for neo fascists and closet racists. "As a public service the BBC is mandated to refle...
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Funny story: Militant Atheists to Celebrate Easter

Militant Atheists to Celebrate Easter

The Atheist Society of Great Britain today announced that it will be organising street parties nationwide throughout the Easter period. Atheist Society spokesperson B.L. Zebub explained why to the alcohol sodden Church of England press corps. "Wel...
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Funny story: The Secret England Footballer's Countdown to Brazil 2014: Part 4, Denmark "friendly"

The Secret England Footballer's Countdown to Brazil 2014: Part 4, Denmark "friendly"

Bloody Daniel Agger. I wanted to get on that pitch and kick him in the nuts after what he did to our little Jack. I was out of my seat seething and shouting at the bastard. Yes okay, so maybe I was on the bench, but we can't all be in the team and...
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Funny story: The Secret England Footballer's Countdown to Brazil 2014: Part 3 Roy's Scouting Trip

The Secret England Footballer's Countdown to Brazil 2014: Part 3 Roy's Scouting Trip

Did you see it? Did you bloody see it? He looked like he was on holiday in Southend not visiting a building site in Manaus. No style, stupid 99p Store shades, long sleeve shirt, all buttoned up and I bet he was wearing flannels and a vest. I suppo...
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Funny story: Panic as Hubble Telescope Spots Incoming Borg

Panic as Hubble Telescope Spots Incoming Borg

The United Nations Security Council was called into emergency session today when it was revealed that the Hubble telescope had spotted the Borg heading towards the solar system within two weeks of earth's orbit. After the session UN Secretary Gene...
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Funny story: The Secret England Footballer's Countdown to Brazil 2014: Part 2, Roy's Whinge

The Secret England Footballer's Countdown to Brazil 2014: Part 2, Roy's Whinge

So, "England supremo" Roy Hodgson says playing a World Cup match in Manaus is "not ideal", but he does accept that games must be spread around Brazil. What a moaner, apparently temperatures there reach 30C, while humidity is about 80% so he thinks t...
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Funny story: The Secret England Footballer's Countdown to Brazil 2014: The Draw

The Secret England Footballer's Countdown to Brazil 2014: The Draw

Italy, Uruguay and Costa Rica. Bloody hell. I'm sure that Sepp hates England. Ever since Panorama did a good job of filleting him and FIFA with all those corrupt banana republic bastards he's had it in for us. I can't see us getting a result wi...
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Funny story: WTF! JK Claims JR Killed JFK

WTF! JK Claims JR Killed JFK

Bewigged, bothered and bewildered US Secretary of State John Kerry today let slip in an unguarded moment that there was evidence that Texan oilman and rancher the late JR Ewing had been involved in the 1963 assassination of President Jack Kennedy. In...
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Funny story: Fat Bloke Sues The Spoof

Fat Bloke Sues The Spoof

"It's outrageous" ranted Mr. Tristram Lard of Balham, south west London to Spoof reporter Paxton Quigley "There I was minding my own business crossing the high road after a few pints of Old Dogfarter in the Stoat and Gobbler with my shopping trolley...
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Funny story: Femen Sued for Sex Discrimination

Femen Sued for Sex Discrimination

Saucy feminist protest group Femen which originated in Ukraine and whose members rose to infamy by getting their tits out for the Vlads, has found itself on the wrong end of a sex discrimination claim. Femen has said that it will fight the "frivolou...
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Funny story: U.S. Government issued with ASBO and Internet Ban by South London Borough

U.S. Government issued with ASBO and Internet Ban by South London Borough

The tiny London borough of Balham made international headlines today when it persuaded a south London magistrate to issue an Anti-Social Behaviour Order and Internet ban on the U.S. government and all of its agencies including the infamous N.S.A. Ne...
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Funny story: Obese to Solve Cameron's Energy Price Crisis

Obese to Solve Cameron's Energy Price Crisis

In a panicked response to Ed Miliband's popular policy of freezing energy prices, Prime Minister David Cameron today made an unscheduled visit to the House of Commons to announce a new personally endorsed initiative to solve his government's energy p...
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Funny story: Tories to introduce "Free Hospitals"

Tories to introduce "Free Hospitals"

Following the unbridled success of screwball Education Secretary Michael Gove's Free Schools programme with its falling standards and vanity projects, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt, Murdoch sycophant and confirmed homeopathy fan, announced today a cra...
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Funny story: God Takes Early Retirement Citing "Force of Circumstances"

God Takes Early Retirement Citing "Force of Circumstances"

At a hastily convened press conference in Heaven today, a depressed supreme deity who goes by the aliases of God, Jehovah, Yahweh and Allah announced that he could no longer carry on and was taking early retirement. Speaking in tongues, including...
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Breaking News...

Style Maven/Ex-Con Stewart Announces Her Latest For the Holiday

Stewart today touted her rollout of MarthaGoblers--designer turkeys for the Thanksgiving feast. MarthaGoblers are available in various skin-tone shades from Titian Brown to Chirascuro Noir and Blanc
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