TOPEKA Kanasas (ABSNN) - Pastor Fred Phelps, head of the controversial Westboro Baptist Church, said his congregation will spare no expense to send a delegation to the state funeral of former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.
"This time th...
AUKLAND, New Zealand (ABSNN) - Air New Zealand aired a new "ballsy" ad featuring Belarusian Olympian Nadzeya Ostapchuk who won the London Games' shot-put competition, but was forced to surrender her Gold Medal when she failed a drug test. "The ad ca...
JACKSON, Wyoming (ABSNN) - Monday night, a visiting Canadian dinosaur, Tyrannosaurus Bataar, was hacked to death, and his head removed, as he walked back to his room at a local inn, "after drinking heavily at Jackson's world famous Million Dollar Cow...
LAS VEGAS, Nevada (ABSNN Sports) - The World Boxing Council has the entire sporting world agog at the news that Caesar's Palace will host the very first WBC Championship fight between two unknown, and as yet, unnamed twins in their mother's womb! Th...
ORLANDO, Florida (ABSNN) - A dolphin named Sally bit a child who was feeding her in a tank at Orlando's Sea World Sunday. Police immediately arrested the dolphin who told them, "I'm so sorry! I'm so near-sighted, I thought the little girl was Honey...
COWPATH, Iowa (ABSNN) - An "apparently" booze filled, 87-year-old WWII veteran playing Santa, exploded Sunday afternoon, killing himself, and injuring 27 men and women who were waiting in line to have their pictures taken in his lap. According to on...
MANAMA, Bahrain (ABSNN) - Riot police were forced to fire tear gas canisters at hardline Islamic protesters who were angered at the presence in the city of Kim Kardashian. "God is great; Kim's a slut," the crowd shouted in Arabic. Kardashian, who j...
CHARLESTON, West Virginia (ABSNN) - Jeremy Dys of The Family Policy Council told state legislators Friday that West Virginia's anti-bullying policy in its 55 county school districts "is unfair to evangelical students."
"We have been forced by an u...
DOVER, Ohio (ABSNN) - Fox's Karl Rove was absolutely right: "Ohio sucks!" Today Ohio proved it sucks when a four-football-field-wide sinkhole swallowed up a large section of Ohio State Road 513 just west of Dover.
"Holy crap! I was just watch...
CHICAGO, Illinois (ABSNN) - "They test NFL players for performance enhancement drugs (PED's), but what they're looking for is steroids, not male enhancement drugs such as Viagra. They can stop us from bulking up, but not from getting laid," said Chi...
WASHINGTON, D.C. (ABSNN) - Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta called the first ever "Emergency Press Conference" to inform reporters and the American Public that "A horrendous, unstoppable computer retro-virus will strike every English speaking comput...
DALLAS, Texas (ABSNN) - Texas, long the foe of evolution, is back in the news today thanks to a report from a Texas veterinarian who told reporters that DNA samples prove that the legendary "Bigfoot is part human-well, at least Bigfoot's penis is hum...
LOS ANGELES, California (ABSNN) - Comedian Jamie Foxx joined a long line of African-Americans who have deified leaders of color, like Harriet Tubman and Martin Luther King Jr., when he told the audience at the Soul Train Music Awards "It's almost lik...
ASININE, Texas (ABSNN) - Deep in the heart of this tiny west Texas town is the epicenter of the Texas Secession Movement. In an old, deserted looking storefront, on an equally deserted Main Street, a silk screen print shop company is working three s...
SPRINGIELD, Massachusetts (ABSNN) - A nude dancer performing an "amazing, near flawless split" accidentally passed gas and nearby table candles ignited the fart "causing a huge natural gas explosion at the Scores Gentlemen's Club," say fire fighters...
ATLANTA, Georgia (ABSNN) - The ever smiling Mike Rowe, host of the Discovery Channel's long-running "Dirty Jobs" announced the show would not continue after this year. However, Rowe is not out of a job at the Discovery Channel; he will host a new sh...
SILVER CITY, New Mexico (ABSNN) - Oddly enough, given the large number of guns and ammunition stores found in a gun shop, very few people have ever been shot in one, unless, of course, "they had it coming." Such was the case in this tiny New Mexico...
ATLANTA, Georgia (ABSNN) - The Learning Channel, once home to NASA, now home to Honey Boo Boo, has signed former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to a two-year, weekly outdoor, hunting themed show called "Hunting from Hueys."
"We are exceptionally plea...