CHICAGO--Local man Dan Welsh, 22, recently completed a night-long dream of his to drunkenly stumble all the way across town in the hopes of crashing on his best friend Jim's hand-me-down purple leather couch.
Mr. Welsh, a recent University of Illi...
LONDON--Despite the postmortem album sales success of such musicians as Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson, former Beatles frontman Paul McCartney is flat-out refusing to help increase the pop group's album sales by simply ending his own life.
"P...
INDIO, CA--In what has once again shocked music-lovers the world over, hologram Tupac Shakur was found dead as a result of a violent East coast/West coast rap battle following the now infamous Coachella music festival.
The hologram rapper, who's s...
WABASHA, MN-Brett Konsky, 46, went to bed Saturday night thinking everything in his comfortable, if not boring life was going along rather uneventfully. That all changed early Sunday morning when Brett awoke to find he had no feeling at all in hi...
PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA--In a rare and unprecedented move, North Korean officials have been forced to admit that their 90-ton firework was a complete and utter dud.
The entertainment device, which North Korea has assured the world was the largest a...
SAINT PAUL, MN--In what police have described as "a complete waste of our time," local spoof writer Greg Johnson has reportedly gone on a blood-filled, one-starring rampage, leaving an estimated 17 articles in his wake.
"We have no idea why he did...
WASHINGTON-Toyota Motor Corp. said Tuesday it will recall 4.2 million vehicles in the United States, the company's largest-ever U.S. recall, to address problems with normal-sized cup holders that could result in oversized drinks spilling and lead...
BOSTON--Sources close to the family are reporting that Father Goose, who left to go get breadcrumbs six years ago and didn't return, is finally back in the picture.
"We couldn't be happier!" exclaimed Mother Goose, author of such classic children'...
ISSAQUAH, WA-Cougars, long since held as nature's third coolest cat (behind lions and tigers, respectively), have recently come into a bit of an identity crisis. This is due in large part to the recent branding of 40-somethings who romantically t...
ALAMEDA, CA-In the wake of his failed prediction of a May 21, 2011 world end date, Harold Camping took to his radio show to inform the people that the world would now end on October 21, 20-HUHK HUHK HUHK, HUHK HUHK, HUHK HUHK.
Camping made it cle...
JONESBORO, AR--As anticipation for the long-waited movie adaptation of Suzanne Collins' bestselling novel The Hunger Games reached a fever pitch on Monday, local Arkansas radio station 100.5 FM The Eagle knew it had to take advantage of this incredib...
NEVADA-In what is already being hailed around the world as the find of the century, a team of archaeologists in Nevada have discovered the previously believed-to-be-extinct flavor of French Toast Pop-Tarts on a local grocery store shelf.
Dr. Doug...
DENVER--Ever since the sports world was rocked by the signing of superstar Peyton Manning by the Broncos a few days ago, Denver fans across the country were left to wonder just how they were expected to handle such shocking news.
"I suppose we sho...
CINCINATTI, OH-Local old man Carl Jacobson has reportedly done next to nothing in the same way as his grandson Peter did when he was his ripe young age of 14. Whether due to the limited technologies of the time, economic hardships, or simply a re...
BOSTON-While hoards of inebriated partygoers celebrated the inconsequentially misunderstood holiday of St. Patrick's Day behind him, Boston native and resident sour puss Jerry Doogan, slowly sipped his pint of Guinness at the bar of the Squealing...
NEW YORK-In an unparalleled display of mental lapse, local 24-year-old Rick Floyter admits he has absolutely no clue what he did before the browser tab. "I suppose I used separate windows, but I really can't be sure," he said.
Tabs have been arou...
DES MOINES, IA-Area man Daniel Hammond has, according to sources, left his job as a soft drink vendor in order to stay at home and spend more time with his growing Netflix Queue. Hammond, 29, began his subscription two years ago, when his wife ca...
ST. PETERSBURG, Russia-Tiger Woods could become extinct in 12 years if companies he's still a spokesperson for fail to take quick action to protect their image and step up the fight against infidelity, global celeb experts told a "Tiger summit" S...