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Tory's new 'ducking-stool' disability assessment launched

George Osborne has announced the governments new method of assessing claimant's disability, known as the 'ducking-stool'. The contract, worth £134 trillion, is expected to be awarded to Cameron, Osbourne & Cronies Consultants. "For far too lon...

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Newsnight exposes famous BBC children's entertainer as yet another pervert!

Just when we thought the BBC sex crimes scandal could get no worse Newsnight have exposed another major BBC star. The most startling claim of abuse in the programme appeared to come from a female known only as Soo; who claimed to have been abused by...

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Disney Empire buys Guantanamo Bay

Today marks the 10th anniversary of the opening of the U.S. military detention camp for terrorist suspects at the U.S. naval base at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba; it is also the day that the Disney Empire beat off competition to purchase the camp. Disney h...

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Tories announce High Speed Ozzi-Tunnel

Transport Minister Justine Greening, apparently encouraged by the public's apathy to her financial excesses of HS2, has announced her next project; the High-Speed Australia link, or 'Ozzi-Tunnel' as it is commonly known. This will cut journey times b...

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More Pandas than thin people in Edinburgh

A shock report has announced today that research has shown that there are now more Pandas than thin people in Edinburgh. As Tian Tian the panda eats her panda cake in her enclosure at Edinburgh Zoo on Christmas Day academics have made it clear that t...

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Cameron: Bomb the Kremlin to support rebels

As tens of thousands took to the streets of Moscow to protest against allegedly fraudulent elections, as opposition leaders issued scathing personal attacks on Vladimir Putin in the hope of preventing his return to the presidency next year; Davis Cam...

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Bomb Squad keep abreast of the times

Officials in the U.K. have issued an alert to women after it was discovered that some breast implants manufactured in France and sold in the UK are likely to explode on Christmas day, the Daily Express newspaper reported today. The implants were made...

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The British hand over the Isle of Wight to Argentina

The Isle of Wight is to be handed over to Argentina in the New Year. Britain and South American countries including Brazil, Argentina, Paraguay and Uruguay, came to the decision at a secret summit in the Uruguayan capital, Montevideo last night. T...

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Public Libraries: return books on time or be shot

Police officers can now lawfully shoot those who mock the library fine system. "In some cases during the summer several thousand library books were not taken back on time throughout England. This is totally unacceptable, anti-social behavior which w...

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Is Kim Jong Junior weird enough for the job?

As North Korea comes to terms with the loss of its "Dear Leader", the shadowy figure of "the Great Successor", his son Kim Jong Mark II has begun to emerge. Young Kim Jong II only appeared with his father on live television for the first time las...

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Cameron: I do not want to eject seamen prematurely

Adapting Royal Navy submarines to allow women to serve on them will cost £30 million, MPs were told. Defence Secretary Ivor Hammond-Organ said the money would allow women to have separate accommodation on the submarines; each room would have its own...

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Headless Jordan created as iPhone app malfunctions

Apple unveiled a new app today that literally changes the way that we will view the new iPhone 4S. The 'Transformer App©' once downloaded to your iPhone will turn your device into any other object of desire that you wish using Chameleon© te...

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David Cameron: "I am a Jedi Knight"

"Yes, it's true I am a Jedi Knight", David Cameron told a packed House of Commons. "The UK is a Jedi Knight country; and we should not be afraid to say so. Let me make it perfectly clear; as a Jedi I am bound to a code of morality and justice". In...

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Cameron appoints Gazza to 'troubleshoot' problem families

Ministers say problem families are costing the state billions of pounds. David Cameron has announced a £448 trillion plan to identify and get help to the most troubled families in England. A network of "troubleshooters" will be given responsibilit...

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BBC admit: Frozen Planet filmed in Iceland (the supermarket)

BBC bosses have today admitted faking a number of scenes in their wildlife showcase piece Frozen Planet, which viewers had assumed were filmed in the wild. In fact most of the scenes were filmed in the Iceland, not the country but a branches of the s...

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Excitement mounts as The Hadron Collider shows a flash of nipple

The most coveted prize in particle physics - the Higgs bosom - may have been glimpsed, say researchers reporting at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) in Geneva today. The Higgs Bosom is purported to be the means by which everything in the Universe o...

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Euro Rescue: Merkel and Sarkozy to marry

Germany and France have struck a grand bargain that they hope will save the euro, burying their differences over a rigorous new regime to drive down eurozone debt and restore market confidence in the battered single currency. At talks in Paris viewed...

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Chinese Army Shoot Jeremy Clarkson

Jeremy Clarkson has been shot by the Chinese Army within minutes of landing in Beijing today. A Communist Party official said, "This was a necessary pre-emptive strike; he has threatened to have socialists shoot in his own country. We were afraid...

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Breaking news…

Referendum To Ban And Remove Trump

Gosh, since Ireland was successful with their referendum to remove the ban on abortion, can the U.S. have a referendum to ban and remove Trump?
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