Showing stories written by Mike Gatspy

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Now horse meat found in cannibal meals

Supermarket giant Tesdabury's has become the latest store caught up in the horse meat scandal after allegations that horse meat has been found in its "Cannibal Range" of ready meals. A clearly shaken company spokesperson Sue Perior admitted "This...

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Pope issues long awaited apology

Following his shock resignation, Pope Benedict XVI has issued a statement of grave regret and apology. Pope Benedict, or plain old Ratty, Joey or Claire (or, indeed, Eggs) as he is known to his friends, broke down when asked at a press conference for...

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Bookie launches "Returning heroes" market

With "King" Kenny Dalglish taking over at Liverpool for the rest of the season, and the brief return of Kevin Keegan to Newcastle still fresh in the memory, bookmakers have opened a special market on the next former hero to return to management in th...

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Dog takes art world by storm

A mongrel called Hirsty is causing a real sensation in the art world and has been installed by bookmakers William Hill as a warm favourite to scoop the 2011 Turner prize. Hirsty, a 7 year old mongrel from Sheffield, has in recent weeks been leavi...

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Julian Assange "likely to become assassination target"

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange "is likely to be the target of an assassination attempt" after attempts to arrest him on trumped up rape charges failed, according to informed sources in the states. Assange, described by the Americans as " A stran...

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Earplug sales soar as Waissel wails

Shops all over the UK have reported a sudden surge in the sales of earplugs as Katie "Wastrel" Waissel's wailing made Wagner sound like Pavarotti on the latest edition of the x-factor. After a shocking first song, Wastrel then proceeded to compl...

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Policeman walks free

A policeman who was caught on video massacring 56 women and children with a machine gun has walked free from court after successfully appealing against his conviction. P.C. Sylvester Sloane, 35, acknowledged that the victims all received bullet wo...

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Student violence "caused by benefit scroungers"

Funny story: Student violence "caused by benefit scroungers"

The coalition government "has conclusive proof" that yesterday's violence at the student protests was caused by benefit cheats with nothing better to do, according to the deputy prime minister, Nick Smegma. It is thought that several dodgy looking...

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Controversy over implant to help blind people see

Funny story: Controversy over implant to help blind people see

The electronic implant which has helped blind people to see is seen by most people as a marvellous leap forward, or at least thought to be a marvellous leap forward by some who haven't had it yet, but a group of religious fanatics is threatening to d...

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Coalition on course to be "greenest government ever"

A new study has revealed that the coalition government is on course to be the greenest government in the world, ever. It also reveals that far from selling all LibDem members and supporters down the river for a whiff of power, Nick Smegma in fact ins...

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Millions go down with flu. Shopkeeper arrested

With millions of people in the UK falling ill with flu or stomach bugs, a Birmingham corner shopkeeper whose grandfather came from Pakistan has been arrested and charged with releasing germs into the atmosphere in the name of Allah. Zaffar Ali Kha...

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Mystery of Chaplin mobile solved

Funny story: Mystery of Chaplin mobile solved

Those who were excited by the discovery of a "time traveller" talking on a mobile phone in a clip from a 1928 Charlie Chaplin movie will be massively disappointed to hear that a plausible explanation has been put forward to explain the phenomenon.

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Dementors at Anfield? Whatever next?

This reporter can today exclusively reveal that Liverpool boss Woy Hodgson is in fact one of J.K. Rowling's infamous dementors of Azkaban. Suspicions were aroused when reporter Mike Gatspy travelled to see Hodgson's team of underachievers and appa...

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H.M.The Queen in extraordinary gesture

In an extraordinary show of solidarity, Queen Elizabeth II has announced that she is to renounce all her royal income and privileges in order to show that "we are all in it together" as the government prepares to trample all over her subjects in the...

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Women's football hits the big time

The Football League have caved in to pressure from feminists and are set to allocate a place in next season's N'power league 2 to a team of all stars from the women's game. The feminists, led by the new darling of the left, Millie Headband, have...

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Radio 1 unearths funniest moment ever

Funny story: Radio 1 unearths funniest moment ever

Radio 1 presenter Greg James yesterday hit new heights with his "Best bit of the radio from yesterday" feature when he unearthed a clip of someone using the words "six" and "inches" in close proximity to each other. James, clearly revelling in su...

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Thief blames homosexuality for lapse

Funny story: Thief blames homosexuality for lapse

A well known public figure who has been found stealing from the till has astounded his friends and colleagues by claiming that he only did it to avoid being outed as a homosexual. Looking pathetic, he said "I didn't really think of it as stealing...

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Government introduces new drink driving laws

Funny story: Government introduces new drink driving laws

The new coalition government, the first coalition government since the war in case you didn't know, has outlined radical changes to the drink driving laws amid tumultuous scenes in the commons. Official government spokespeople have issued the followi...

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Breaking news…

Referendum To Ban And Remove Trump

Gosh, since Ireland was successful with their referendum to remove the ban on abortion, can the U.S. have a referendum to ban and remove Trump?
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