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Cash ruins unblemished driving record

An 80-year-old driver who accidentally dropped a load of money on to the road has blotted his previously unblemished driving record. Gateshead magistrates heard that Ivor Lodesadosh, owner of the Big Game Casino, was driving to the bank in his jee...

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Self-service at supermarket garage

Motorists can now drive themselves into Morris&Sons garage where self-service is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Customers at Morris&Sons Motors simply queue for the next available inspection pit, pick up a basket containing overa...

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Scientists find gene for serendipity

A team of scientists have revealed the genetic basis of serendipity. The gene SDPT1, which has never been discovered before, increases the likelihood of being involved in fortuitous happenstances. The researchers, from the University of Sagacity,...

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Giant axis found in shopping centre

Funny story: Giant axis found in shopping centre

Shoppers at Gateshead's largest shopping centre had to leave hurriedly when the centre began to spin around faster than usual. A team of retail scientists specializing in shopping centres rushed to the scene, and pinpointed the exact centre of the...

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A costly trip

Gateshead council has been ordered to pay £5,000 in compensation to a resident who suffered a fractured ankle after tripping on a payment. Jack Poundfoot was leaving the council offices when he tripped over a stack of money which had been dropped...

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Home-buyers hit by new rulers

Two people viewing a house were concussed when several multi-packs of metre-rulers fell on their heads. Mr & Mrs Sorhedds were looking round the property in Gateshead with a view to buying it. As they peered up to look at the upstairs ceiling,...

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Man eats his own finger

A 40-year-old man had to have hospital treatment after he ate his own finger. Ivor Wonmissin, from Gateshead, was poking about trying to pick out bits of meat that had got stuck in his teeth after his meal, when he accidentally bit into his index...

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Church ceiling ruined by sandals

The ceiling of St. Slippersarus Church in Gateshead is in need of repair after sandals ruined the décor. Apparently, youngsters had been observed taking off their sandals and hurling them upwards to shouts of 'Hallelujah!'. "It's a scandal,"...

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Unknown nose-picker picked for Eurovision

A virtually unknown man from the North was unveiled last night as Britain's Eurovision contestant. "His musical talent is not necessarily of the highest standard," said a BBC TV spokesman, "but he is likely to win viewers over by his unique style...

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Zooming in on your fingerprints

There is now a world-wide, massive database of our individual fingerprints. Everybody who uses I-pads, touch screens, etc, has a unique fingerprint. These easily identifiable fingerprints are analysed every time we touch our pads. Soon the C.I.F.

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Fowl pay suspected in bizarre murder case

Police have rounded up several angry chickens, following the discovery of the badly-tattered body of an elderly woman last week. After forensic investigations, Detective Inspector Ivor Nyedeer reckoned that 81-year-old Gladys Sawloaver had been th...

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Biggest rise in mouse prices for seven years

The asking price of pet owners selling small rodents has risen by the biggest amount for seven years. The average price of a mouse has increased to £7-50p, across England and Wales, according to the rodent website RightMouse. This is 50 per cent h...

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Many of us baffled over sharing NHS records

Almost half of Britons do not understand plans for sharing their NHS records. And increasing numbers of GPs (Geriatric Persons) are not clear how to use them. The Norman Hunter Singers (NHS) were a renowned choir based in Gateshead. They sold over...

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Son sits in vest

A 4-year-old boy was so fascinated when he saw the sun set in the west, whilst getting ready for bed, he just sat by the window only in his vest. "My young son was there for nearly half-an-hour," said his mother, Mrs Idoo Nottchest. "He was just s...

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Tourism increases in Gateshead

The new tourist information centre in Gateshead has recorded another visit this week. "We only opened this new tourism centre in the Town Hall three months ago," said Cawlin Anavaluck, Gateshead's councillor for tourism. "And already we've had two...

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Tears grow for kissing teenager

Doctors are concerned about a 16-year-old girl who has been crying profusely every time she kisses someone. At first, when Wendy Wetkiss started kissing people properly, only a few small tears would run down her cheeks. But recently her tears have...

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Library 'too quiet'

An elderly book-lover has complained bitterly that her local library was too quiet. "There was a deathly silence about the place," moaned 75-year-old Lily Brearian, who has been using the library in Gateshead for over 50 years. "And recently I've...

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Fat children 'do better in exams'

Young children who do not exercise very much are more likely to perform better in exams as they grow up, according to researchers at the Institute of Obesity, Glasgow. Avoidance of exercise particularly helps girls do better in written exams in P.

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Breaking news…

Trump Said News Media The Enemy

Trump said the news media was the enemy of the people. Saudi newsman Jamal Khashoggi was critical of the Saudi government, then goes missing in the Saudi Embassy in Turkey? Looks like a green light.
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