Special to TP News - Republican Governor Rick Perry announced that 2,500 surplus World War II-era bazookas will be offered to the public in a special auction. These recoilless-rocket antitank weapons were used extensively against the Nazis during the...
Special to TPN - Vatican Secretary of State, Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, announced that the Convocation of Cardinals assembled to pick a new Pope will liven up the proceedings with a Silly-Hat Contest, which has not been conducted for 1200 years.
Special to TPN - Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO) is building a new summer home atop Taum Sauk Mountain, the highest point in Missouri. Rep. Akin is known famously as the one who clarified the difference between "rape" and "legitimate rape." To his credit, he a...
Special to TNP - At his daily news conference, Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee (RNC), claimed that "a new version of Dante's Inferno is necessary to ensure the long-term health of the country. In fact, I anticipate that...
Special to TPN - Chairman Deborah Hearseman of the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) announced that several major U.S. cities will test the practicality of constructing separate cell-phone lanes on interstate highways. The purpose of this...
Special to TP News - Physicists at the CERN Laboratory in Switzerland announced that the Higgs boson, the so-called "God particle," resembles the Mormon angel Moroni. Moroni is the keeper of the golden plates on which is inscribed the Book of Mormon.
Special to TP News - Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has decided to expand his fraternal organization, SCROTUM (Supreme Court Republican Organization to Uncover Moderates). SCROTUM was established by Scalia in 2011 to aid in the fight against li...
Likely Teapublican presidential candidate Mitt Romney revealed that he will be purchasing a new clothes washer for wife Ann this week. "I think it's the ideal gift for a stay-at-home mom like Ann," said Romney during a break from the campaign trail.
In a nationally televised news conference, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich revealed that his I.Q. is 20 points higher than renowned physicist Albert Einstein. "The American people know that I am basically a modest individual, but I fe...
After weeks of rancorous internal debate, the Republican National Committee (RNC) passed a resolution renaming itself the Teapublican Party.
Although the cost of the change is estimated at close to $53 million, Chairman Reince Priebus said the Te...
Special to INS - In the wake of yet another former employee of the National Restaurant Association stepping forward and accusing Herman Cain of sexual harassment, the presidential candidate declared that "the Democrat machine has shifted into high ge...
Special to INS - The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved sawdust as a food supplement. FDA administrator Constance Twiddle announced that the following varieties are suitable for human consumption: white pine, white birch, and white ash.
Special to INS - Liam Breton, who fell short in his attempt to incite a national rebellion, has decided to run for U.S. President on the Luddite Party ticket.
The Luddite Party was founded by Breton in response to the failure of the major politic...
Special to INS - The Republican National Committee (RNC) may organize a potato-sack race to eliminate the uncertainty over its eventual presidential nominee. Although Mitt Romney has consistently polled 25% of Republican voters, that is not enough to...
Special to INS - The 20-year-old satellite that crashed into Earth last week had a roughly 1-in-3,200 chance of hitting a person, NASA officials claimed. The Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite, or UARS (pronounced: you-arse), apparently missed the p...
Texas Governor Rick Perry said today that, if elected President, he would put in motion a secession plan for the nation's capitol, Washington, D.C. The recently announced presidential candidate hinted several years ago that Texas could secede should...
Special to INS - The Republican National Committee (RNC) has set the brackets for the 2012 nominating convention to be held in Tampa, Florida, starting in August 2012. Top seed is Mitt Romney, despite the fact that his political history reads like a...
North Port, FL - Charleston Park, a small gated community on Florida's west coast, is planning to offer a series of lectures to its residents for the purpose of "raising community standards." Taking a hint from the community newsletter, which lectur...