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Trump Not 239lbs?

Following everyone's disbelief, today it was announced that Donald Trump's true body weight two days before his recent physical was 311 pounds. A large amount of fat was sucked, 72 pounds to be exact, out of him just before his actual physical. A...

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Chris Christie Shits Out a Large FedEx Tracking Chip

Chris Christie ended up in an ER in Passaic today after tearing his asshole while shitting out a (supposedly edible) electronic FedEx human tracking device. "I ate this elephant sized electronic FedEx thing yesterday. And today, it got stuck s...

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Bernie Sanders Teams Up with Colonel Sanders

KFC has announced that all of its 7 Vermont locations will now feature Bernie Sanders cookbook recipes mixed with Colonel Sanders' old favorites. New menu items include: Karl Marx progressive Jewish commie chicken patties, grilled Hillary extr...

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Donald Trump Opens His & Herspanic Gastro Pubs

Funny story: Donald Trump Opens His & Herspanic Gastro Pubs

Donald Trump has decided to embrace and glorify Mexico's rich history: "Because I've employed thousands and thousands of His and Herspanics, the time is right to open a chain of His & Herspanic eateries." The chain, named "Hola Amigoas!", wil...

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Ted Cruz Bobblehead Night

Honoring the famous sons and daughters of Canada, the Flin Flon Flayers of the Provincial and Extra-Provincial League will host Ted Cruz Bobblehead Night on August 15th when thy take on the Moose Jaw Motherchuckers at 7:05 Canadian Prairie Time.

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Donald Trump Treated for Depression

A day after his dog was run over by a taco deliveryman in Palm Beach, The Donald has started taking large doses of Zoloft. Trump's dog, Niggard Lee, was flattened early Tuesday afternoon on Worth Avenue when Taco Expresso driver Jorge Cruz Lim...

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Greece Grexits Gracefully

Saying goodbye to the euro, and not wanting to reintroduce the dreaded drachma, Greece has named its new currency the "big gyro." Stefan Poopadoopalot, spokesman for what's left of the government in Athens, outlined exactly what goes into a bi...

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Breaking news…

Porn Lawyer Seeks to Expand Show-Biz Career

Fresh off countless CNN appearances, creepy porn lawyer Michael Avenatti has sued Marvel Comics, demanding to be taken on as their latest super-hero -- Rabid-Ranting-Rodent-Esquire-Dude.
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