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Funny story: 2015 GOP Platform Has Been Completed

2015 GOP Platform Has Been Completed

The GOP platform that will be ratified by the 2016 Presidential Nominating Convention is now complete. Since the last convention, selected Congressional Republicans and State Party Chairs have been diligently working. According to insider reports, these are its major points: 1. We stand for the principles of torture, particularly rectal hydration. 2. We believe that rich donors should dramat...
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Funny story: Forward from Interrogation Department 6B Lower Regional Hades re torture program

Forward from Interrogation Department 6B Lower Regional Hades re torture program

As part of the congressional investigation on torture released last week, new documents have appeared straight out of Earth's netherworld known as "Hell." Congressional researchers (rumored part of Senator Feinstein's office) have somehow contacte...
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Funny story: CIA torturers 'mostly Skull & Bonesmen' claims secret Mossad report

CIA torturers 'mostly Skull & Bonesmen' claims secret Mossad report

Washington - A sinister cabal of Skull & Bonesmen masterminded CIA torture according to a leaked Israeli intelligence report. The Mossad Canary Juice division analysed hundreds of hours of harsh CIA irrigations - uh, interrogations. Their f...
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Funny story: Shrink paid $81m to coach CIA torturers says 'Because I'm Worth It'

Shrink paid $81m to coach CIA torturers says 'Because I'm Worth It'

Langley, Virginia - "It was no bum deal," said Professor Einstein Flintstone, a former Pentagon psychiatrist on secondment to train fledgling CIA torturers in the dark arts of rectal feeding plus other recreational crap. "And what's more that much...
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Funny story: CIA "Rectal Hydration" Raises Questions

CIA "Rectal Hydration" Raises Questions

LANGLEY, VA --CIA Director, John O. Brennan held a rare press conference today where he attempted to defend CIA torture post 9/11. Brennan, contradicting former CIA Directors, said, "It is unknowable whether useful intelligence was ever obtained...
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Funny story: GOP Defends Torture

GOP Defends Torture

The GOP today released a statement in support of "enhanced interrogation" otherwise know as torture used by the CIA. The first six points the republicans use in their support are the most significant arguments and are presented here: 1) Just a...
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Funny story: Calls for UK judge-led cover-up into British complicity with CIA torture

Calls for UK judge-led cover-up into British complicity with CIA torture

London - A trawl of the great and good in Britain's senior judiciary has narrowed down a list of candidates capable of bullshitting in the international premier league. Top pick for a prolonged and tortuous televised whitewash guaranteed to flush...
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Funny story: US officials will demonstrate advanced interrogation techniques "not all that bad"

US officials will demonstrate advanced interrogation techniques "not all that bad"

Announced today, Mr. Obama and Mr. Brennan (head of the CIA) will participate in experiments to show Senator Diane Feinstein's objections are "over-amped." Spokespersons maintain US advanced interrogation techniques are "not all that bad" and may...
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Funny story: Former CIA Head Defends Torture

Former CIA Head Defends Torture

Today, on the CNN show, "Today's News," the former head of the CIA, General Michael Hayden, and Harvard Professor of Ethics, Greg Stiles, squared off against one another on the issue of torture. The background of the debate centered on The Senat...
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Funny story: CIA Torture Study a Torture to Read

CIA Torture Study a Torture to Read

"Judicious Use of Cognitive and Physical Trauma to Elicit Psychic Response"--By Dr. Gunter Chang, Director of Cognitive Studies at the Central Intelligence Agency, August 2003. Abstract: Research in the area of the psychic science lags considerably behind other research fields primarily due to lack of reproducible quantitative data obtained under controlled conditions. In an effort to establ...
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Funny story: Obama Issues Himself A Presidential Pardon

Obama Issues Himself A Presidential Pardon

WASHINGTON -- In the wake of the Senate Select Committee Report on CIA torture showing a grisly, reckless brutality, a violation of the U.S. Constitution and the Geneva Accords, President Obama issued himself a pardon for possible illegal activities...
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Funny story: Blair fingers Bush as CIA torture files published

Blair fingers Bush as CIA torture files published

Washington AC/DC - Ghastly Poodlefaker Tony B Liar has blamed digital manipulation by his brother George Dubya Bush for leaving him up shit creek without the proverbial paddle. The rant comes as a US Senate Committee publishes its long-awaited re...
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Funny story: Ripping Out Heart Better Than Lethal Injection

Ripping Out Heart Better Than Lethal Injection

Dr. Joseph Mangele of Yale University, authority of Aztec culture and society, has written a book justifying capital punishment. He argues that when the state murders, in both societies, the ulterior motive is to maintain order and to sustain the pow...
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Funny story: New American values committee forming to consider Senator Feinstein's emotionalism versus Mr. Cheney's dry-eyed but nasty interrogation systems

New American values committee forming to consider Senator Feinstein's emotionalism versus Mr. Cheney's dry-eyed but nasty interrogation systems

Former vice-president Mr. Richard "would do it again in a trice" Cheney has come forward to exonerate CIA "enhanced interrogation" tactics first used during the Bush administration. America must be defended, according to Mr. Cheney, no matter wha...
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Funny story: CIA Just Uses Dominatrix Techniques

CIA Just Uses Dominatrix Techniques

On Thursday a Senate intelligence panel will vote to make public a report that shows that the CIA mismanaged its "enhanced interrogation program" by torturing detainees in its "war on terror." The report shows the Agency dealt in water boarding and...
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Funny story: Former political prisoners recall how Pinochet used Cliff Richard and Cat Stevens songs in torture sessions

Former political prisoners recall how Pinochet used Cliff Richard and Cat Stevens songs in torture sessions

Chile - Crappy singles like Cliff Richard's 'Mistletoe and Whine' and 'Living Troll' were part of General Pinochet's awesome torture armory according to former prisoners abused for decades by the vile dictator in Santiago Jail. Played ad nauseam a...
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Funny story: Bryan Air to show free in-flight movies

Bryan Air to show free in-flight movies

Bryan Air, the cheapest of the budget airways is to show in flight films free of charge. This is an unusual move by the low-cost airline renowned for charging for everything else above and beyond the price of the ticket. "Ordinarily," said OfAi...
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Funny story: Torture - The Irish Way

Torture - The Irish Way

China and Iran are two countries that spring to mind when we think about torture, however, if I had to choose a country in which to suffer it I would be happy to be stuck in Ireland. Here follows a list of Irish torture techniques: Cheese boarding: Subjects are made to sniff whiffy cheeses such as 'Stinky Bishop' and Stilton for hours on end. In extreme circumstances prison guards have even bee...
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Banks will close even earlier on Shortest Day

Banks already close too early for most people's convenience. They will close at 11 am, on the shortest day, this year 'because we can 'says Exec.
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