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Funny story: Friday's 'Ring of Fire' solar eclipse will transit Pacific Ring of Fire seismic zone

Friday's 'Ring of Fire' solar eclipse will transit Pacific Ring of Fire seismic zone

Pacific Ocean - An annular eclipse in the Earth sign of Taurus will trace a path across the world's most volatile tectonic zone on Friday. Beginning around half-past midnight GMT the 'Ring of Fire' cakewalk will take in a notorious seismic quagmir...
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Funny story: Tuesday's solar eclipse to wreak havoc with New Yorkers' sperm motility

Tuesday's solar eclipse to wreak havoc with New Yorkers' sperm motility

New York - A Public Health notice posted on the corner of E.86th and 5th is warning the aspect occurs in the 'fixed' water sign of Scorpio that rules the gonads, oil and gas and various Middle Eastern tinpot dictatorships. Particularly affected a...
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Funny story: Solar eclipse snaffles up Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi

Solar eclipse snaffles up Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi

Libya - The man convicted of killing 270 in the 1988 bombing of a US jet has kicked the bucket at home in Tripoli just as the eclipsed Gemini new moon began manifesting in the cosmos. Stargazers have described his RIP as an astrology classic and a...
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Funny story: Millions of idiots expected to go blind Sunday

Millions of idiots expected to go blind Sunday

San Francisco CA - Scientists predict that millions of rebellious idiotic, rude, young adults will be blinded Sunday. Dr. Smerve Leude of the Whackover Institute told reporters that the eclipse of the sun Sunday would not be total. Damaging rays wo...
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Funny story: 'Mayan Calendar' crop circle or Aztec Roulette Wheel?

'Mayan Calendar' crop circle or Aztec Roulette Wheel?

London - Ufologists fighting for a share of the lucrative Gemini Solar Eclipse prediction market centered on Sunday night's occultation are having none of it, of course. They're siding with Mexican cereologist Jamie Maussan's claims that the 2004...
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Funny story: Crystal Harris astrologer says Friday's eclipse will see Charlene Wittstock 'dump Prince Albert at the altar'

Crystal Harris astrologer says Friday's eclipse will see Charlene Wittstock 'dump Prince Albert at the altar'

Monaco - The stargazer's advice is widely credited with being behind the knockout blow delivering Harris from 'dire' nuptials to octogenarian viagra guzzler Hugh Hefner. It saw delicious 25 year-old blond Playboy model Crystal jilt 85 year-old Hef...
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Funny story: July 1st solar eclipse will bring down Hong Kong astrologers warn Wen Jiabao

July 1st solar eclipse will bring down Hong Kong astrologers warn Wen Jiabao

London - Visiting Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao took the announcement 'on the chin' as British astrologers issued their warning at crunchtime today. The gung-ho PM has steadfastly stonewalled on years of Hellfire Club, Triad gangster and Pyongyang co...
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Funny story: No chance of 'Queen in solar eclipse cucumber sandwich shocker' Palace astrologers say

No chance of 'Queen in solar eclipse cucumber sandwich shocker' Palace astrologers say

London - There's a zero chance that Wednesday's apocalyptic eclipse will see the Queen drop dead from sudden-onset terminal flatulence, a Palace blogger posted today. "Yeah, it's much likelier to be cucumber sandwich poisoning," royal kitchens sou...
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Funny story: California 'Summer Triangle' UFO warns of solar eclipse tremors

California 'Summer Triangle' UFO warns of solar eclipse tremors

Oakland, Ca - A California UFO may be trying to make contact to warn about a predicted massive earthquake around June 1st's Gemini solar eclipse. The three-pronged aerial light formation, mimicking the geometry of the Summer Triangle asterism, has...
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Funny story: Iceland volcanoes on high alert for Wednesday's apocalyptic solar eclipse

Iceland volcanoes on high alert for Wednesday's apocalyptic solar eclipse

Reykjavik - "As seismological blow jobs go this one's the biggie," astrologers are warning about Wednesday's occultation. "Think 'Vesuvius' plus 10,000 years' worth of seismic celibacy!" A dozen Icelandic volcanoes may be affected as the eclips...
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Funny story: Sensational solar eclipse for Tuesday's New York Stock Exchange birthday

Sensational solar eclipse for Tuesday's New York Stock Exchange birthday

New York - (Supernova News): A Bull Run message from the Gods? World financial markets are on a knife edge ahead of Tuesday's stunning Capricorn solar eclipse. The phenomenon is empowered by the kind of unprecedented, non-Clintonian comeback ki...
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Funny story: Sunday's solar eclipse fears: will the sleepwalking Queen jump into Windsor Castle moat?

Sunday's solar eclipse fears: will the sleepwalking Queen jump into Windsor Castle moat?

Windsor - (Petit Mal News): It's a sudden death penalty shootout kinda solar eclipse this weekend. And the news from Our Man in the Curfew Tower is that the Grim Reaper is poised to score the ultimate karmic Golden Goal. Already we've had seari...
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Funny story: All Hell's Gonna Break Loose on July 11 According to Astrologers and Doomsayers

All Hell's Gonna Break Loose on July 11 According to Astrologers and Doomsayers

Doomsayers the world over will be looking to the heavens on July 11 as one of the first seriously meaningful harbingers of the really, really, really awful things to come within the next two years leading up to the Apocalypse. The event is a tota...
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Funny story: Twilight stars beware! Gypsy asteroid Roma to eclipse snake-in-the-grass constellation's Hand of the Snake Charmer

Twilight stars beware! Gypsy asteroid Roma to eclipse snake-in-the-grass constellation's Hand of the Snake Charmer

Space - (Rattlesnake News): Terrible karmic portents for Twilight/Eclipse stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart! A rare occultation by the asteroid Roma on the night of 8th July will completely obliterate sight of Del­ta Ophi­uchi, fourth-br...
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Funny story: Bizarre Eclipse Panics Millons In USA

Bizarre Eclipse Panics Millons In USA

Philadelphia PA-- An unexpected eclipse panicked millions of East Coast residents last evening. The terror spread to the Midwest and then the West Coast as the full power of the celestial event was unleashed. Grown men wept in the streets as it becam...
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Funny story: February 20th Eclipse Signals End Times

February 20th Eclipse Signals End Times

Corpus Christi, Texas (IPP) - The upcoming eclipse of February 20th clearly signals the end of times according to both religious and scientific sources.
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Funny story: Grim Reaper eclipse spells Armageddon for 9/11 deception gang

Grim Reaper eclipse spells Armageddon for 9/11 deception gang

London - (Ass Mess): Tuesday's 9/11 Grim Reaper eclipsed new moon is a dire omen for the Bush Administration's collusion with the organised crime cartels that have got off scot-free for World Trade Center atrocity of 2001.
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Funny story: Solar eclipse heralds Vernal Equinox collapse of Bush Evil Empire

Solar eclipse heralds Vernal Equinox collapse of Bush Evil Empire

London - (Cosmic Press): Lo, the skies have long foretold what the Ancient Ones always held dear.
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Breaking News...

New York now belongs to the Polar Circle!

The deep freeze hitting northeast US has forced Google Maps to enter the area into the Polar circle. Eskimos and Polar Bears were seen playing in the snow after deserting their global-warmed homeland!
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