CONSUMER NEWS - POTS AND KETTLES ACCUSE EACH OTHER OF COVERT BLACKNESS
The incidence of name calling between kitchen implements has reached shocking new heights. That was the claim made by Mrs I. Liesalot of Manchester yesterday. Ms Liesalot, who has handed the manufacturer of her newly purchased pot and kettle with court documents, says she and her family have not slept in weeks. Said Mrs Lie...
Thousands of partygoers were disappointed last night when they had to stop their festivities because the cows came home.
"I've always heard people say, 'Party 'til the cows come home,' and that's what we were doing. But never in a million years...
For many years, millions of people have begun sentences with, "They say...". But just who "They" are has been a mystery--until now. University of Zawyzona Sociology Professor Dr. Hyman Flatcramp announced today that after years of searching, his te...
The perennially popular idiom "Sober as a Judge" was put under the spotlight by the Idiom Police, a lesser known division of the Literary Squad in Lincoln.
"A lot of drunk people use the phrase," said Detective Charles Loche. "We need to know how...
Carlton Hennings of the Psychological Institute of Swindon, Sussex heard the phrase "Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise" when he was very young.
Being a keen analytical thinker, he decided that he would try and determine whether there was any truth in this Old Wives Tale.
"From the age of nine I have followed a strict regime," said Hennings, now fifty-eight...
BIRMINGHAM - Across the country, metaphors are becoming true due to lack of vocabulary in citizens.
The average person has roughly 5000 words in their vocabulary, with university students having 8000, and chavs having fifteen.
Due to this lack...
At the University of Amsterdam a recent meeting of elite global (H)ornythologists met to scientifically prove (the study cosy $2 million by the way) if the ancient proverb (mentioned above) is still acceptable in modern times.
You can't polish a turd! This is an old saying with which prospective government employees should become familiar. Do not misunderstand me; the public service is a fine occupation for the young person wondering what to do with their lives, or how best they may be able to serve their fellow human beings. However, some things, like turds, are simply not capable of being made to look or smell any...
A London born man has been detained by police indefinitely for pissing on someone's chips.
Mr Walken-Cleeshay, who as every schoolboy knows is as old as Methuselah, committed the lewd act and subsequently had his collar felt, after coming to logge...
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