4:30am - CHICAGO - Consumers anxiously line up at local sporting stores to be the first persons to purchase Under Armor's newest product, The Commitment Shirt®. Featuring the company's latest technology, which promotes muscle growth for the...
In a stunning new move, NYSE Chairman Marsh Carter approved the addition of a new commodity - love - onto the NYSE. Commodities like wheat, corn, soy beans, and pork bellies have long been pedaled through commodities markets. But due to its ethereal...
Special to TP News - Republican Governor Rick Perry announced that 2,500 surplus World War II-era bazookas will be offered to the public in a special auction. These recoilless-rocket antitank weapons were used extensively against the Nazis during the...
Special to TPN - Vatican Secretary of State, Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, announced that the Convocation of Cardinals assembled to pick a new Pope will liven up the proceedings with a Silly-Hat Contest, which has not been conducted for 1200 years.
Sympathetic critics came out to attack the Onion because they used Quvenzhane Wallis in satirical comedy.
The satire was innocent, but critics quickly made it out to be something that it was not. This is the original concept of the Onion writer:...
A central Florida community has launched citizen patrols after reports that giant sized rodents had been spotted in several locations, striking fear into the hearts of townsfolk.
The first sighting of the massive rodent, which some described as 'h...
North Korean leader Kim-Jong Un has reacted to a satirical story about him by playfully sending a chilling threat to the world.
American satirical website The Onion ran a spoof story about Kim Jong-Un being voted the sexiest man alive last month.
Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander has reportedly suffered a mildly harassing comment on his official Facebook profile. The offending remark was in response to an article the Senator posted which warned against the dangers of the looming fiscal cliff.
Freshmen U.S. Senator Marco Rubio has reportedly suffered a mildly harassing comment on his official Facebook profile. The offending remark was in response to an article the Senator posted which claimed, "Rubio slams Obama, Biden on economy."
The...
Special to TPN - Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO) is building a new summer home atop Taum Sauk Mountain, the highest point in Missouri. Rep. Akin is known famously as the one who clarified the difference between "rape" and "legitimate rape." To his credit, he a...
Special to TNP - At his daily news conference, Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee (RNC), claimed that "a new version of Dante's Inferno is necessary to ensure the long-term health of the country. In fact, I anticipate that...
Special to TPN - Chairman Deborah Hearseman of the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) announced that several major U.S. cities will test the practicality of constructing separate cell-phone lanes on interstate highways. The purpose of this...
The United States House of Representatives has recently conducted a bipartisan vote to abolish all forms of satire within the country in a move clearly designed to belie the widely held notion that Congress is the place where good ideas go to die. The following are transcripts from the subcommittee hearing and floor debate that led to the aforementioned vote.
2012
A BILL TO PROTECT THE INTEG...
I, Bartholomew Utterswaithe declare that in the event of my ruling the world, I would carry out the following 50 actions with haste, rapidity, and determination, for the betterment of mankind:
1)
I would liquidate money from existence - every thing would be free.
2)
I would ban impecuniousness, by ridding the world of those pathetic mongrels who suffer this fate, and feed the bodies (baked...
Monday 22nd July 2012
Topic:
"I'd form a new coalition with Ed Miliband: Nick Clegg says he's open to working with Labour"
Source: The People
Extract: Nick Clegg would form a coalition with Ed Miliband in the next government, he told The People.
The Lib Dem leader could even stay on as Deputy PM if a general election replaced one governing party with another.
His new boss would...
Bonjour! I am Francois Francaise, France's leading satirist. I laugh at your pathetic English attempts at satire on this LeSpoof website. By that I mean of course that I do not laugh at it at all, because it is not funny. I bet you couldn't even grow a satirical moustache if you tried.
France is the home of satire - we invented it. Always remember, satire is like a metaphor.
So let me begin...
Special to TP News - Physicists at the CERN Laboratory in Switzerland announced that the Higgs boson, the so-called "God particle," resembles the Mormon angel Moroni. Moroni is the keeper of the golden plates on which is inscribed the Book of Mormon.
Monday 9th July 2012
* Still the knees are bothersome, but I got some good sleep in for once.
* Noticed that two burglar alarm lights on adjoining houses opposite were flashing on the street when I opened the windows about 0330hrs, the rain was falling (well, belting down!), and a new collection of crushed beer cans were scattered over the street outside - so, nothing unusual there!
* Pop...