Lance Armstrong has appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show to apologise for his performance enhancing drug use over seven seperate Tour de France titles. However he has since denied rumours that he was under the influence of drugs to make the apology.
CHICAGO, Illinois (ABSNN) - "They test NFL players for performance enhancement drugs (PED's), but what they're looking for is steroids, not male enhancement drugs such as Viagra. They can stop us from bulking up, but not from getting laid," said Chi...
Astronaut Neil Armstrong, deceased, has sensationally revealed that when he made his unique journey to the Moon he was using a now-banned chemical substance to enhance his performance.
Critics have called for Armstrong to be deleted from the histo...
Lance Armstrong has called the rumours surrounding his so-called drug taking during the Tour De France as complete and utter nonsense! But he does admit to taking perfomance enhancers before the Tour and during it too and these are certainly not drug...
Warnings have been issued to more than half of all athletes competing at the London Olympic Games for exploiting supernatural performance enhancing stimulants.
Last July, the act of "Asking God for divine intervention" was added to the list of pr...
MIAMI - Since the Dan Marino Era came to an end, Dolphins football has never been the same. The front office has scurried the open market like an addict looking for a quick fix - mulishly passing on Drew Brees in the process. And like most junkies,...
Dorking Zoo Keeper, Stavros Jones, improved his brainpower three-fold by smoking the malted fur from various primates at the zoo he is employed at an un-named conservation park in Surrey.
Stavros, a keen botanist when not tending to primates, boas...
ORGANISERS of the prestigious Tour de Farce cycle race are considering how to save the event following revelations that two unnamed cyclists have tested negative for performance enhancing drugs.
It has been alleged that officials were aware of the...
In a display of rare professional camaraderie, Manchester United's Rio Ferdinand today offered support for Manchester City's suspended star, Kolo Toure.
Speaking outside MU's magnificent Carrington complex, Ferdinand went out of his way to underli...
Dina Lohan, the controlling behind the scenes Mother from Hell, said she was furious after learning that daughter Lindsay had refused to sign the contract for the lead in the remake of "Splendor in the Grass" that had helped Natalie Wood shoot to sta...
Philadelphia, PA - Mayor Michael Nutter has accomplished something other Philadelphia Mayors have been unable to do for fifteen years: acquire the biggest Crack Star from Los Angeles and bring him over to stumble the streets of Philadelphia.
"I've...
Charles Bradley, president of a West Texas school's chess team collapsed and died in a competition against rival school. While official autopsy results are still pending, preliminary findings show that the player died due to a heart attack (which wa...
Disgraced sprinter Dwain Chambers was at the centre of a storm when it was revealed he had been caught speeding.
"It wasn't the fact he was 10 miles an hour over the 30 mph limit that aroused suspicion, it was the fact he was on foot at the time."...
University sports scientists have discovered that athletes can radically improve their performance by using illegal drugs. They say that when compared to athletes that have not taken them, the drug users showed an average improvement of 9%.
"When...
The recently established Baseball Commissioner's office for "Keeping The Game Clean", having decided to unearth Babe Ruth's body, to prove to the whole world that once upon a time all American baseball players were completely free of illegal substances, received instead an unearthly surprise just yesterday.
"No one was more surprised by this than me," prattled Babe Ruth's great great great Ame...
Lausanne, Switzerland - A committee of officials have dramatically taken away all 100 medals awarded to Chinese athletes at the Beijing Olympics following drug retesting. Committee chairman, Stan Ozolol, defended the controversial decision at a recen...
Children across the world have been inspired by the operatic aria: "Here I come to save the day/ Because Mighty Mouse in on his way!" Sad to announce the sports world today learned that there was more in the ripped rodent's whey than curds!
Ca...
Paris/AP - The future of The Tour de Farce, an institution in cycling since 1903, was saved today when the FDA announced it would take over sponsorships of ALL teams participating in the event for 2009.
Plagued by the continued use of performanc...