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Funny story: Ebola testing at Hamptons Film Festival ahead of Wednesday's eclipsed blood moon

Ebola testing at Hamptons Film Festival ahead of Wednesday's eclipsed blood moon

Long Island - Astrologers advising the 22nd Hamptons International Film Festival are recommending the installation of a giant anti-Ebola sheep dip at Montauk Airport ahead of Wednesday's lunar eclipse. The blood-red supermoon will be conjunct Ura...
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Funny story: Jennifer Lawrence Blames Latest Accident on Astronomers!

Jennifer Lawrence Blames Latest Accident on Astronomers!

Jennifer Lawrence, one of the most beautiful women today, has had three falls lately, none of them serious, but she blames it all on "Those stupid scientists and astronomers." "I've had a great career and I'm just getting started when I began trip...
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Funny story: Vulnerable astrology sufferer with phobia of Phobos found RIP face down with candy stuck down throat

Vulnerable astrology sufferer with phobia of Phobos found RIP face down with candy stuck down throat

Joshua Tree, California - A naked self-styled astrology freak with an irrational fear of the Martian moon Phobos was found dead at home this morning, an imported chocolate Mars candy bar obstructing the air passage in his throat. He was 69. Or...
View 'Vulnerable astrology sufferer with phobia of Phobos found RIP face down with candy stuck down throat'
Funny story: Scandalous stars for Sunday's Oscars Night

Scandalous stars for Sunday's Oscars Night

Los Angeles - Giant black holes 'as large as the Big Dipper' have appeared in two of Hollywood's most famous senior luminaries' birth charts as they ready to receive Lifetime Achievement Awards from the Oscars Committee. Woody Allen and Roman Pola...
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Funny story: Long To Rain Over Us is last leg of Queen's Diamond Jubilee hex, astrologers explain

Long To Rain Over Us is last leg of Queen's Diamond Jubilee hex, astrologers explain

The Cosmos - Filthy conditions in Aquarius, sign of the water bearer, are likely to climax on Valentine's Day when the Leo Fool Moon brings a deluge of karma on Elizabeth Windsor's preposterous 62-year reign. That's the upshot of an astrology conf...
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Funny story: New Year's Day New Moon/Pluto Conjunction Bound To Nix Bill De Blasio Swearing-In Ceremony

New Year's Day New Moon/Pluto Conjunction Bound To Nix Bill De Blasio Swearing-In Ceremony

New York - Momentous world events are likely to eclipse NYC mayor-elect Bill De Blasio's crowning moment as the farces of astrology unleash their most potent aspect this New Year's Day with a triple-whammy Sun/Moon/Pluto conjunction in Capricorn.
View 'New Year's Day New Moon/Pluto Conjunction Bound To Nix Bill De Blasio Swearing-In Ceremony'
Funny story: Thanksgiving Comet or Royal Death Star? The portents look ominous

Thanksgiving Comet or Royal Death Star? The portents look ominous

London, UK - The Astronomer Royal has issued a DeafCon Two alert about the Thanksgiving Comet as it crosses Queen Elizabeth's natal house of horrors in a sun grazing fly-past tomorrow at noon. Comet Ison's imminent cakewalk takes place exactly 333...
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Funny story: Split Beaver Full Moon plus imminent solar flip to wreak havoc on LA porn industry astrologers warn

Split Beaver Full Moon plus imminent solar flip to wreak havoc on LA porn industry astrologers warn

Los Angeles, California - Sunday's 25'25" degrees Taurus fool moon first earned its Split Beaver moniker during the 1998 Clinton impeachment trial when astrologers upgraded the November aspect from its plain Beaver Full Moon status on account of moon...
View 'Split Beaver Full Moon plus imminent solar flip to wreak havoc on LA porn industry astrologers warn'
Funny story: US super majors shun Brazilian auction

US super majors shun Brazilian auction

Sao Paulo - A $7 billion [15 billion real] upfront 'signature bonus' demanded by Sao Paulo auctioneers has been slammed by US energy companies as a crude scam amid rumors of a Hugo Chavez-style nationalization of Brazilian oil and gas next year. B...
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Funny story: 'Loaded gun' cloud formation will intensify above US Capitol according to Wiccan lunar stuff

'Loaded gun' cloud formation will intensify above US Capitol according to Wiccan lunar stuff

Washington - A Wiccan delegation has tried tipping-off both President Obama and House of Representatives Speaker Boehner about the cosmic build-up to Friday's eclipsed fool moon. Citing a blob of ugly karmic high pressure over the US Capitol the c...
View ''Loaded gun' cloud formation will intensify above US Capitol according to Wiccan lunar stuff'
Funny story: Sufis warn of awesome astrological aspect for start of Eid

Sufis warn of awesome astrological aspect for start of Eid

Arabian Gulf - Ascended masters of Islam's supernatural branch have described Wednesday night's powerful 'T-Square' in the cardinal signs of Capricorn, Aries and Cancer as a karmic trigger of ancient seismic fault-lines going all the way back to the...
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Funny story: Middle East on karma alert for Ramadan new moon

Middle East on karma alert for Ramadan new moon

Asia - Monday's Sun/Moon/Mercury/Jupiter conjunction in the sign of Cancer kick starts the annual Holy Month with a classic Muslim Sisterhood-kinda aspect not seen since AD 579 when sexist revisionists ousted the Great Goddess Al-Lat, the preeminent,...
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Funny story: Canada train wreck, San Francisco jet crash...is this an omen for Andy Murray's Wimbledon dream?

Canada train wreck, San Francisco jet crash...is this an omen for Andy Murray's Wimbledon dream?

London - An astrological roller coaster weekend of terrible disasters has been triggered by the Moon/Mars conjunction in the sign of Cancer just hours ahead of Sunday's Wimbledon Men's Finals where Brit No 1 hope Andy Murray's makes his championship...
View 'Canada train wreck, San Francisco jet crash...is this an omen for Andy Murray's Wimbledon dream?'
Funny story: Mother's Day comet returns after 110,000 years

Mother's Day comet returns after 110,000 years

Europe - Revered by the ancients as an omen of catastrophe Comet 2011 L4 Panstarrs will be nearing perihelion over British skies on Mothering Sunday next week. Its flight path is being videoed from the International Space Station which monitors an...
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Funny story: Astrologers blame the Pope's Cancer

Astrologers blame the Pope's Cancer

Rome - Stargazers reviewing the Pope's birth chart said today a massive build up of freaky asteroids in his natal Cancer is probably behind this morning's resignation. Decades of space junk clashes in the crabby constellation had clearly worn down...
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Funny story: New Moon omen as The Majesty's lifeboat goes belly up

New Moon omen as The Majesty's lifeboat goes belly up

Canary Islands - Some weird astrological stuff in Aquarius the Water Carrier and Pisces the Fish has been blamed for the sinking of a lifeboat which crashed 65ft from an upper deck into the sea, killing five and injuring three. The incident happen...
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Funny story: The Sign Of Ophiuchus

The Sign Of Ophiuchus

I had been an astrologer for very many years, diligently generating predictions from the ancient charts for both private clients and national periodicals. For much of that time, however, I had harboured an unspoken suspicion that something was not quite right. It seemed to me that predictions were frequently inaccurate - in fact they were nearly always completely wrong. I had, nevertheless,...
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Funny story: 'Rogue planet' spotted transiting Obama's 'birther' chart

'Rogue planet' spotted transiting Obama's 'birther' chart

Washington DC - Capitol Hill stargazers are close to panic at evidence that a 'rogue planet' is transiting President Obama's birth chart. Spotted some 100 light years from Earth and provisionally dubbed CFBDSIR2149-0403 the 'homeless' celestial bo...
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Breaking News...

Banks will close even earlier on Shortest Day

Banks already close too early for most people's convenience. They will close at 11 am, on the shortest day, this year 'because we can 'says Exec.
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