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Funny story: Retail Theory 101: We Deliver Great Customer Service. So, Please Wipe Your Ass With Our Merchandise. Part 1.

Retail Theory 101: We Deliver Great Customer Service. So, Please Wipe Your Ass With Our Merchandise. Part 1.

The current state of retail customer service in the United States is such that one can go into any retail chain in the country, take a shit on the floor in the middle of the Seasonal section, and the Store Manager will feel obligated to bring you a Wet-Nap.* The answer, BTW? Ames, Bradlees, Caldor, Cornet, Gemci, G. C. Murphy, Rite-Aid, H.L.Greens, Hudson Brothers, Eckerds, Korvettes, J.G. McCrory...
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Funny story: Woolworths to open again!

Woolworths to open again!

After a dramatic turn of fate Woolies is to re-open. William Woolworth, the last of the Woolworths is to start over selling what Woolworths was famous for, wool. In recent times, with help of the recession, wool sales are on the rise. 'People love to...
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Funny story: Woolworths develops special new software to service internet customers

Woolworths develops special new software to service internet customers

Now that the Woolworths and Ladybird names have been rescued from obscurity and are about to become an internet business (much to the disgust of late-night revelers who now find that a Home Computer is a rather less convenient place to relieve themse...
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Funny story: Kaka: Manchester City To Buy Woolworths Instead

Kaka: Manchester City To Buy Woolworths Instead

Chaos this morning at Eastlands, where executives at Manchester City seem to have bowed to fan pressure, and have decided to shelve plans to buy the AC Milan star, Kaka, for a reputed £107million. The club will, instead, buy Woolworths. Critici...
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Funny story: God PLC in Woolworths Buy Out

God PLC in Woolworths Buy Out

Astonishment has swept the business world this morning as God plc has made an offer to rescue the doomed Woolworths chain. It appears that the move is an attempt to block a similar take over bid by Satan Inc, who wanted to convert the Woolworths c...
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Funny story: Woolworths Branch Refuses To Close

Woolworths Branch Refuses To Close

Police in a West Midlands town have set up road blocks and cordoned off a main shopping thoroughfare over the weekend, when it became clear that staff at a Woolworths store scheduled to shut down last week, had refused to obey their orders, and had c...
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Funny story: Woolworths Sales Assistant Stripped Naked By Frenzied Bargain-Hunting Shoppers

Woolworths Sales Assistant Stripped Naked By Frenzied Bargain-Hunting Shoppers

As the curtain finally came down on 99 years of trading at Woolworths, police had to be called to a store in London, when one of the Woolies sales assistants became the target for a group of frenzied bargain-hunters who chased him around the store a...
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Funny story: Sir Paul McCartney Buys Woolworths

Sir Paul McCartney Buys Woolworths

There was joy across the Woolworths empire today, when the entire chain was the subject of a last-minute buy-out by the self-made multi-millionaire, and former Beatle, Sir Paul Mills-McCartney. Sir Paul, fresh from his divorce settlement with ex-w...
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Funny story: Everything must go

Everything must go

With Woolworths doing better trade in the last few days than in the preceding ninety-nine years, it has been announced that everything must be sold before the end of the year, and that means everything. In the store in Altrincham, near Manchester,...
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Funny story: Jonathan Ross Rushed Off His Feet At Woolworth Check-out !

Jonathan Ross Rushed Off His Feet At Woolworth Check-out !

Celebrity scrounger Jonathan Woss, was rushed off his feet yesterday, as Woolworth slashed their prices by 2%. Ross, 51, was fined guilty of sitting on his arse and swearing with his mates, by the British Television Licence Payer. The BBC managem...
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Funny story: Woolworth-less sh*t!

Woolworth-less sh*t!

It's the most successful day of trading in Woolworth history today! With a load of debt from living in credit, the Woolworth-less head crackpots have hit on a goldmine with a clever marketing scam aimed at the dim-witted. Theresa (16), single moth...
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Funny story: Woolworths '100% Off Sale' Causes Mayhem In Brixton

Woolworths '100% Off Sale' Causes Mayhem In Brixton

There was chaos in Brixton this morning as the Woolworths closing down sale got under way, when goods offered with a 100% reduction became the target for bargain-hungry shoppers. Several people were hurt as some customers barged their way towards...
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Funny story: Woolworths Goes Out Of Business, Thanks To TARDIS Failure

Woolworths Goes Out Of Business, Thanks To TARDIS Failure

Woolworths, Britain's 1960s theme shop, went out of business today, as accountants switched off its TARDIS. The time machine had kept the chain of stores permanently stuck in 1965, but now it was time for its staff to face up to life in 2008. Shop...
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Funny story: Woolworths Shares Soar As Clearance Sale Announced

Woolworths Shares Soar As Clearance Sale Announced

Shares in Britain's oldest retail department store, Woolworths, soared today as it was announced that the company would hold a massive 90% off sale starting Thursday in all its 815 outlets nationwide. Woolies, as it is known by your mum, went into...
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Funny story: Darth Vader blamed for fall of Woolworth's

Darth Vader blamed for fall of Woolworth's

It is understood that workers in Woolworths hold Sith Over-lord Darth Vader responsible for the current parlous state of the chain's finances. Vader, who starred in an advert with the shop's mascots Woolie the Sheep and Worth the Dog selling a che...
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Funny story: UK Economy Booms Following VAT Rate Decrease

UK Economy Booms Following VAT Rate Decrease

Wereinthemoney, England - The Labour government's plan to reduce the Value Added Tax (VAT) on goods and services from 17.5% to 15% took effect today with resounding results for the economy. The move to stimulate consumer spending and head off the imp...
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Funny story: Woolworth's fold - Pick'n'mix blamed

Woolworth's fold - Pick'n'mix blamed

Woolworths announced today that they are set to close the doors on their three thousand stores for the last time after no buyer was found willing to take on their £350million debts. Woolworths were one year off their centenary and have become a co...
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Funny story: Woolworth in Radical Pic 'n Mix Refinancing Plan

Woolworth in Radical Pic 'n Mix Refinancing Plan

Woolworth today announced that it's radical refinancing plan has been a huge success. The price of Pick 'n Mix has been doubled, but each purchase qualifies for one new share per sweet item. "We have had a huge take-up for the offer enthused a s...
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