Washington - During a Thanksgiving message to the nation, John Boener (R), Speaker of the House, revealed that he was absolutely and unswerving committed to avoiding the impending fiscal cliff at all cost.
The Speaker promised to sit down in t...
WASHINGTON, Nov. 22 -- In a pre-Thanksgiving ceremony at the White House yesterday afternoon, President Obama continued a much-beloved American tradition and forgot to pardon approximately 45,999,998 turkeys.
Cobbler and Gobbler, two turkeys who h...
WASHINTON, DC (ABSNN) - President Barack Obama carried on the tradition of pardoning a turkey this Thanksgiving, but the recipient of the clemency, Karl Rove, was not at all impressed.
"We received requests to pardon more than 50,000 turkeys this...
The intense focus on post Thanksgiving retail selling initiated by Black Friday has now been one-upped by Walmart's new play of starting specials on Thanksgiving night, thus luring people out of their homes on a major family holiday. It also forces W...
Plymouth, MA-- An exciting new historical theory is giving Americans a new look at Thanksgiving. Historians now believe that the Pilgrims and Indians used 'tons' of ganja together. The green herb was in everything from the turkey stuffing to the ap...
The Celtics now lose by leaps and bounds. If Superman can leap over tall buildings, the Celtics found themselves playing like Clark Kent when he forgot where he put his cape.
In a game where rebounds are everywhere, there is not a drop in the buck...
God damn you merry gentlemen!
What I've learned in my 61 years is that if you spend too much time in the past, you get trapped there, especially if the past is all you have to get you through the day. I am as much a historian as anything I may be. But the past is the past. And while I admire those who plan well for their futures, I am also smart enough to know that a significant number of th...
Plymouth, Mass - Mal*Wart, JC Farthings, and Maced stores all plan to open right after millions of giant turkey dinners are consumed. Who wants to wait for Black Friday?
According to Dr. Drew Upbird, medical consultant to the retail industry, con...
Staff at Graceland today were shocked when the US army revealed that a DNA sample taken from a visitor to an Army Base in Germany matched that of the King.
Elvira Muntz from Berlin who works part time as a waitress was hired as part of a staff for...
ATLANTA (ABSNN) - Alana Thompson (Honey Boo Boo) and her mother June Shannon (Fat Demonic Hell Pig) are the stars of TLC's Toddlers and Tiaras. They visited a television station in Atlanta, the home of The Learning Channel, to discuss their upcoming...
There has been a mix up in the annual presidential pardoning of a Thanksgiving turkey, as a White House aide unwittingly pardoned Turkey the country instead of an actual turkey.
It is, as yet, unclear what exactly Turkey has been pardoned of, but...
In a stunning development yesterday, President Barack Obama has declined to grant clemency to Tom Turkey. The White House press secretary read a written statement which said in part, "I know this decision is going to make me unpopular, but there sim...
Shortly after a 21 pound, limburger cheese-stuffed turkey was delivered, still steaming to the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives, a Wisconsin man who was initially identified to the press as "the terrorist", was arrested and is held without...
Washington - Cosmic wizardry is at work for Capitol Hill's very own Salvator Mundi skywatch sources claimed today.
Thanksgiving sees a brilliant eclipsed new moon with powerful angles to Great Awakener Uranus, a stationary/retrograde Mercury and a...
Deluthions, GA. - Fresh off His six percent increase in the national poll numbers, Newt Gingrich giddily announced today that He has achieved His life long dream of cornering the turkey head market.
"Ever since I was sixteen years old I've ha...
London - She's been banished from Tuesday's glittering reception for Turkey President Abdullah Gul due to new bulimia attack fears that Kate Middleton will end up chucking up all over extinguished - er...distinguished! - guests.
"The Queen just ca...
HARFOLD, Vt.--In a study released today by Harfold State College, researchers found that the things for which college students are thankful this holiday season depend greatly on gender.
Of all women interviewed, 72.3% are thankful for their famil...
It was a night just like any other night. Farmer John of the Turkey Lurkey Ranch said good night to his flock of prize winning turkeys and turned out the light. All was peaceful down on the farm even though Farmer John was a little sad knowing that his feathered friends would soon be sent off to grace many a Thanksgiving table. Peaceful yes, or so he thoughtÂ…
Soon in the barn under the cover of...