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Funny story: The Glass Scimitar Chapter One; A Porlock Soames Adventure

The Glass Scimitar Chapter One; A Porlock Soames Adventure

Being An Excerpt From The ReminiscencesOf Dr James H Flotsam, M. D.,late of the Secret Service Medical Department Chapter One: Mr Porlock Soames In the year 1878 I took my degree of Doctor of Hatmaking from the University of Budleigh Salterton, and proceeded to Aldeburgh to undergo the course prescribed for surgeons in the Secret Service. Finding that I was refused entry to the students'...
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Funny story: The Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt X Of X; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery

The Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt X Of X; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery

When I opened my eyes I saw red coals, licking flames. My left leg was burning. Above me, giant faces loomed; they were contorted hideously. Had I truly descended to hell? I had not. I looked about me. I was in the sitting room at 221b Candlestick Maker Street. The faces were those of Inspector Stanley Livingstone Stanley and - my God! - could it really be my friend Shylock Humes? I moaned, an...
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Funny story: The Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt IX; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery

The Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt IX; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery

Falling, I fell forever into fathomless blackness. Tumbling, I was helpless. Into what, I could not know, only that plunge I must, and for eternity. Was this Hell itself, was it Pandaemonium through which I plummetted? And yet, there were glimpses, terrible, desperate fleeting visions, of a world so dear. Of a world forever closed to me. Our bedroom, at home, the smell of lavender. The lovely f...
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Funny story: The Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt VII; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery

The Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt VII; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery

My friend Shylock Humes and myself were sitting in a London growler, in the inky-shadowed street outside the villa of Colonel Clavicord, late of the Bengal Dancers. This villa was, I hoped, to be the scene of the great denouement of our adventure, in which all the various skeins, threads and loose ends gathered so painstakingly by my friend, would at last be tied, tidied and secured in lots of lov...
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Funny story: The Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt VI; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery

The Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt VI; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery

My friend Shylock Humes and I sat in the four-wheeler, in the inky-shadowed street outside the villa of Colonel Clavicord, late of the Bengal Dancers and host of the Annual Convention of Not-Quite Correct Things. We waited on the arrival of Inspector Arbuthnot Williams of Scotland Yard, who ought by now to have been relieved from his vigil at 345 Bombay Road by Inspector Stanley Livingstone Sta...
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Funny story: The Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt V; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery

The Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt V; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery

My friend Shylock Humes, Inspector Stanley Livingstone-Stanley and I were jogging through the suburbs of Norwood in a London growler, bound, as we thought, for the villa of Colonel Clavicord, late of the Bengal Dancers, who was there hosting the Annual Convention of Not Quite Correct Things, for there it was, according to Humes, that we should, at last, attain the longed-for denouement of the Adve...
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Funny story: The Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt IV; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery

The Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt IV; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery

Inspector Stanley Livingstone-Stanley and I sat silently, as we lurched along through the winter evening streets of London. We were sitting in a two-horse brougham opposite a Bolivian admiral who was on his way to the Annual Convention of Not Quite Correct Things, which is an event hosted by Colonel Clavicord, late of the Bengal Dancers, and is a veritable Mecca to those with a penchant for the re...
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Funny story: The Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt III; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery

The Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt III; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery

Inspector Stanley Livingstone Stanley and I stood in the sitting room at 221b Candlestick Maker Street, waiting for Shylock Humes to emerge from his bedroom. I had donned my Littlehampton waterproof coat with detachable 24 inch cape, in navy worsted serge. I was forced to wear the worsted one. My bestest coat had been at the Chinese laundry for a week or two, along with my Harris Tweed duck-sho...
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Funny story: The Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt II; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery

The Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt II; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery

Having clambered down from the scaffolding, I made my way to the window, where my friend Shylock Humes was looking out onto a wintry Candlestick Maker Street. "Yes, doctor", said Humes, "this is the carriage I was expecting." "But there is something amiss here!" I ejaculated, and immediately regretted it. Mrs Dudson was away visiting her cousin Effie at Ecclefechan. How would we clear up in...
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Funny story: The Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt I; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery

The Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt I; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery

It was upon the second morning after the first Christmas since my first marriage that I had called upon my friend Shylock Humes in order to wish him the compliments of the season. There had been a hard frost overnight, which had given the fresh snow of Boxing day the character of sugar icing. The vile alleys were full of frozen drunkards and perished prostitutes, and the urchin children begged...
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Funny story: Shylock Humes And The Case Of The Narwhal's Tusk Scrimshaw, Part Six

Shylock Humes And The Case Of The Narwhal's Tusk Scrimshaw, Part Six

My friend Shylock Humes sat by the fire, subjecting the cardboard box Inspector Arbuthnot Williams had brought, to the most intimate and discerning scrutinies possible to man. I say man. I could not speak for woman, apart from our housekeeper, Mrs Dudson, whose scrutinies were generally limited to questions of domestic order, and were far from intimate or discerning. I say order. What I should per...
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Funny story: Shylock Humes. And the case of the pink Oboe Player

Shylock Humes. And the case of the pink Oboe Player

Shylock woke with a start. His colostomy bag had leaked and he had recieved a nasty shock from the electric blanket. "Blast!" Shylock exclaimed, as he empted the colostomy bag into the wash basin situated in his room. "What would Mrs Miggins, his Landlady think, if she knew what he had done"? mused Shylock. Mrs Miggins rose from the sodden sheets and towled herself down. "You mus learn t...
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Funny story: Shylock Humes And The Case Of The Narwhal's Tusk Scrimshaw, Part Five

Shylock Humes And The Case Of The Narwhal's Tusk Scrimshaw, Part Five

My friend Shylock Humes stood before the fireplace in his smoking jacket. I shook my head. "Come away from the fire, Humes", I adjured. "I told you you would catch fire if you stood so close." Before my friend could answer, the doorbell rang. To be more accurate, someone rang it. We did once try a self-ringing doorbell, which I had purchased from an ininerant self-ringing doorbell hawker, but w...
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Funny story: Shylock Humes And The Narwhal's Tusk Scrimshaw, Part Four

Shylock Humes And The Narwhal's Tusk Scrimshaw, Part Four

My friend Shylock Humes looked at our remarkable visitor, Captain, or Professor, Goosefoundling - for it was indeed he - and spoke directly. His voice was like the crowing of a cock on a summer morning in Norfolk, when the sun begins to burnish the enormous sky and the windmills glow like rare moonstones. Fifteen minutes later, we had begun to tire of these farmyard impressions. My personal...
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Funny story: Shylock Humes And The Case Of The Narwhal's Tusk Scrimshaw, Part Three

Shylock Humes And The Case Of The Narwhal's Tusk Scrimshaw, Part Three

My friend Shylock Humes sat by the fireside in his favourite armchair, with his legs pulled up and his arms wrapped about his knees. He was coiled and taut, his head sunken into his gaunt shoulders. That recent training with contortionist Roberto the Rubberman of Bounder Brothers Circus was already paying off. Humes was staring at our extraordinary visitor, Captain, or Professor, Goosefoundling...
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Funny story: Shylock Humes And The Narwhal's Tusk Scrimshaw, Part Two

Shylock Humes And The Narwhal's Tusk Scrimshaw, Part Two

The man who stood in our doorway was breathing heavily. A swarthy, weathered leathery face with a cudgeled nose peered out from beneath a forward-tilted ancient green billycock hat and from between luxuriant long side-whiskers of the sort formerly termed Piccadilly weepers. The dark visage was screwed up as if it faced an Atlantic storm, rather than our humble sitting-room. A shiny, blue serge dou...
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Funny story: Shylock Humes And The Case Of The Narwhal's Tusk Scrimshaw, Part One

Shylock Humes And The Case Of The Narwhal's Tusk Scrimshaw, Part One

Shylock Humes was curled up in his chair like a coiled serpent. Why on earth he chose to have a piece of furniture shaped like a snake I had no idea. But that was my friend all over. His things were always all over the place. He used to leave his papers, smoking accoutrements and clothing lying all over the sitting room. Clutter was his middle name. Actually, it was Horatio, after the famous Admir...
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Funny story: Shylock Humes And The Case Of The Missing Case

Shylock Humes And The Case Of The Missing Case

It was a warm, clear day in early May. I had had a busy morning. Fruit bottling and goat-whispering were my great passions - when I was not assisting my friend Shylock Humes with his extraordinary cases - but there were times when it all became too much for my nerves. Kumquats can be uneasy bedfellows, I can assure you. And goats are not always easily whispered to, nor their owners easy to satisfy...
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