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San Francisco Onion Accepts 'Featured Writer' Accolades

Funny story: San Francisco Onion Accepts 'Featured Writer' Accolades

Your Majesty, Your Royal Highness, Mr. Lawton, Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen: I accept these noble and prized accolades for having randomly achieved Featured Writer status at a moment when hundreds of U.S. and U.K. citizens are engaged in a creative endeavor to make us laugh at the world - and despite the world - around us. I accept these accolades on behalf of writers that move with deter...

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City to Excavate Mountain of Cigarette Ash Behind Satirist's Desk

Funny story: City to Excavate Mountain of Cigarette Ash Behind Satirist's Desk

SAN FRANCISCO, California - Construction crews boarded up a San Francisco hotel then filled it with rubble and debris after a diligent housekeeper discovered a mountain of cigarette ash behind a satirist's desk on the fifth floor. She called the H...

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The State of the Onion Address: George W. Bush Quotes

Funny story: The State of the Onion Address: George W. Bush Quotes

It's funny how stuff accumulates like sediment. When I first considered posting these George W. Bush quotes, I thought, "That's sort of a cop out." I didn't think it would be much work, you see, not like writing an actual magazine article. Just a simple cut and paste job, right? Well, not exactly. I started collecting these Dubya quotes as an unpublished story well over a year ago, mainly so I...

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Narrowly Averted Crash Over SFO Blamed on Intoxication

Funny story: Narrowly Averted Crash Over SFO Blamed on Intoxication

SAN FRANCISCO - A brief investigation has revealed intoxication to be a factor which likely contributed to a near collision in the skies over SFO this weekend. According to the noted San Francisco satirist, a staggering homeless man - likely carry...

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