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Funny story: San Francisco Onion Accepts 'Featured Writer' Accolades

San Francisco Onion Accepts 'Featured Writer' Accolades

Your Majesty, Your Royal Highness, Mr. Lawton, Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen: I accept these noble and prized accolades for having randomly achieved Featured Writer status at a moment when hundreds of U.S. and U.K. citizens are engaged in a creative endeavor to make us laugh at the world - and despite the world - around us. I accept these accolades on behalf of writers that move with deter...
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Funny story: City to Excavate Mountain of Cigarette Ash Behind Satirist's Desk

City to Excavate Mountain of Cigarette Ash Behind Satirist's Desk

SAN FRANCISCO, California - Construction crews boarded up a San Francisco hotel then filled it with rubble and debris after a diligent housekeeper discovered a mountain of cigarette ash behind a satirist's desk on the fifth floor. She called the H...
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Funny story: The State of the Onion Address: George W. Bush Quotes

The State of the Onion Address: George W. Bush Quotes

It's funny how stuff accumulates like sediment. When I first considered posting these George W. Bush quotes, I thought, "That's sort of a cop out." I didn't think it would be much work, you see, not like writing an actual magazine article. Just a simple cut and paste job, right? Well, not exactly. I started collecting these Dubya quotes as an unpublished story well over a year ago, mainly so I...
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Funny story: Narrowly Averted Crash Over SFO Blamed on Intoxication

Narrowly Averted Crash Over SFO Blamed on Intoxication

SAN FRANCISCO - A brief investigation has revealed intoxication to be a factor which likely contributed to a near collision in the skies over SFO this weekend. According to the noted San Francisco satirist, a staggering homeless man - likely carry...
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Breaking News...

Wi-Fi signal named "Al-Qaeda Free Terror Network" Results In Long Delay For Passengers At Los Angeles Airport

'Our networks are usually named as variations on: 'Moms apple pie - God Bless America,' confirmed an Al-Qaeda spokesman. 'Otherwise it would be a bit f***ing obvious.'
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