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Judge Kavanaugh: “I Am An Independent, Impartial Judge That Just So Happens to Hate Democrats”

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an attempt to clear his name, Judge Brett Kavanaugh penned a column in the Wall Street Journal. He started by saying, “I am an independent, impartial judge that just so happens to hate Democrats. I hate them with the force and f...

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FBI Report on Kavanaugh gets Sir Speedy Award for 'no-stone-unturned' investigation

Funny story: FBI Report on Kavanaugh gets Sir Speedy Award for 'no-stone-unturned' investigation

Ordered to further investigate Mr. Kavanaugh over a six day period, the FBI is now up for the Sir Speedy DDI (“due diligence investigation”) Award for 2018. The award is reputed for its “no-stone-unturned” and “no-keg-ignored” approach to Supreme...

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“A Mighty Fortress Is Our Trump”

Funny story: “A Mighty Fortress Is Our Trump”

For the Evangelicals Still Standing by Their Man A mighty fortress is our Trump, a bulwark ever flailing; our Savior he amid the flood, his moral ills prevailing. For still Trump’s dauntless foes do seek to work Him woe; their craft and power are great, and armed with cruel facts, on earth are not their equals. Did we in our own strength take pride, our striving would be b...

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Nation Forgets Why They Are Outraged

Funny story: Nation Forgets Why They Are Outraged

In an almost-unprecedented event, the entirety of the United States seemingly forgot what it was that they were outraged about this morning. The phenomenon hasn’t been experienced since mid-September of 2013, and experts are hard at work to determine...

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Mueller to indict Republican Party at large as colluding with Russia to steal the 2016 election

Funny story: Mueller to indict Republican Party at large as colluding with Russia to steal the 2016 election

Special counsel Robert Mueller is reported close to another indictment—of the entire Republican Party as well as Mr. Trump. The indictment will name every verifiable Republican-associated official and party representative in 2016. Republican v...

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The Great White Id

Funny story: The Great White Id

i Daily watch the Great White Id Huffing and puffing away. He’ll gladly tell you what he did To madly disrupt your day. He tweets his Id thoughts from his Throne— His petty gripes and “So unfairs!” Civility he now bemoans And offers us instead despair. His Little Ids feed off his spew And swallow every lie he tweets. His policies the poor now screws— (The same who sport their cle...

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The Republican Party and Scamatology to Merge, Forming Republicanology

Funny story: The Republican Party and Scamatology to Merge, Forming Republicanology

The heads of the Republicans and Scamatology today held a joint press conference to announce their merger. "We were so close in ideology already, it seemed like a good savings of resources to just combine" said the Scamatology head, Davey Makeafis...

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First Amendment Rewrite

Funny story: First Amendment Rewrite

Now that a thoroughly balanced and non-partisan Supreme Court has upheld Donald Trump’s Muslim Ban, I think it’s time that we amended the First Amendment to the Constitution. Hell, let’s just amend both parts of it, while we’re at it. “Congress s...

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Republicans promise to pay for cities damaged by global warming!

Funny story: Republicans promise to pay for cities damaged by global warming!

Elected Republican officials promised on Monday that if cities become submerged because of rising sea levels, they and their republican voting constituents will pay to repair the damage. But, how will we know who owes what? Ryan explained the a...

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The Ten Commandments in the Age of Trump

Funny story: The Ten Commandments in the Age of Trump

Thou shalt have no other gods before me (except for me, the President). Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in or on one of my hotels, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth, especially sharks. (I’m not sure why I created them.) For I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, tweeting iniquities about your kids and their...

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Nevada Brothels to Offer 50% Discount to Incels

Funny story: Nevada Brothels to Offer 50% Discount to Incels

Young "incel" men, bitter and disillusioned by the discovery that they "can't get laid in a whorehouse", will soon be able to get laid for half price at any whorehouse in the state of Nevada, beginning this August. "We're doing this as a public se...

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In a Kingdom Long Ago . . .

Funny story: In a Kingdom Long Ago . . .

In a kingdom long ago (OK, maybe not so long ago), there lived, in a thousand villages in the demesne, a happy and peaceful people who sent their children off to school each day, secure in the knowledge that their children were receiving the best education that a developed and tight-fisted kingdom could afford. A few decades back (in this kingdom, remember, somewhat long ago), there arose, amon...

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Robert Mueller's Hollywood Access Moment

Funny story: Robert Mueller's Hollywood Access Moment

Robert Mueller, overheard talking to Billy Bush while exiting a Hollywood Access bus: “I’m moving on him, and I’m succeeding. I will try to fuck him. He’s married, you know—three times. But I’m moving on him very heavily. In fact, I took hi...

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Donald Trump Accidentally Buys a Thesaurus

CNN—President Trump, stopping off a Washington, D. C. Barnes and Noble for a pastry, saw a book in the bargain bin called a thesaurus and thought he’d buy it for Barron, who likes dinosaurs, especially sauropods. On driving back to the White Hous...

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John Bolton’s Hawkish Moustache Declares War on the Rest of His Face

Funny story: John Bolton’s Hawkish Moustache Declares War on the Rest of His Face

Washington, D. C.—On being appointed National Security Advisor to President Trump, the moustache’s first action was to declare war on the rest of his face. The moustache’s enemy to the south, his mouth, is apparently on military alert against the inv...

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With a Little Help from Putίn

Funny story: With a Little Help from Putίn

(With apologies to the Beatles, and with sympathy for Melania) What would you do if I screwed a porn star? Would you stand up and walk out on me? Lend me your eyes and I’ll tweet something wrong And I’ll try not to lie through my teeth. Oh, I get by with a little help from Putίn Mmm, I can lie with a little help from my friends Mmm, I’m going to try with a little help from Russians...

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Trump Will Send Video of Answers to Mueller's Questions-The Ones Trump THINKS He Should Ask

Funny story: Trump Will Send Video of Answers to Mueller's Questions-The Ones Trump THINKS He Should Ask

Washington, DC Republicans got Donald Trump to agree not to personally testify before Mueller. Knowing Trump's propensity to say the wrong thing, Republicans convinced Trump that he can put his best foot forward in a video, without having to actually...

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Donald Trump Comes Out as a Cisgender Anti-inclusive Racist-fluid Bi-phobic Trans-Republican

Funny story: Donald Trump Comes Out as a Cisgender Anti-inclusive Racist-fluid Bi-phobic Trans-Republican

Washington, D.C.--President Trump announced this week, at a press conference, "My proper pronouns are 'I, I,' and 'I' and 'me, me,' and me,'" and then came out, to the waiting press corps and the world, as a "Cisgender Anti-inclusive Racist-fluid Bi-...

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Breaking news…

Hillary Promises to Send Her Private E-Mail Server to Ivanka to Use

"I heard about the trouble Ivanka had and thought I'd give her a private server so she can be safe."
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