San Francisco - The local chamber of commerce announced today that the new, glowing sushi being served at local eateries is very beneficial, especially for cancer patients. According to chair, Dr. Bunhardschmit, the radiation consumed in the sushi...
London - Charged with three c*unts of common assault tonight the evidence is piling up high against Falkirk MP Eric Joyce.
Police sources said this evening they were looking into Wednesday night's Strangers Bar CCTV footage where a Commons barman...
With reports of Albert Einstein physically turning over in his grave, scientists have recently confirmed that the popular theory made famous by media favorite, Paris Hilton, that the Earth is indeed "HOT".
Measuring the radioactive decay of our pl...
Munich - The secret society's Germ(an) warfare wing has been caught cooking up a lethal new recipe to deal with Euroseptics (sick).
Traces of the homegrown genetically modified Eco Lie bacteria have been sourced to a new batch of Plutonium-210, co...
Humboldt County, CA - There's something new in the air this Spring, and its having a major effect on California's marijuana crop. Airborne radiation from Japan is making the marijuana plants grow higher than the giant sequoias. A bumper crop of can...
Prof Jacob Snot, from the Nuclear Energy watchdog 'Look the Other Way', sponsored secretly by the nuclear family, has been reassuring everyone that that there was no need to worry about radioactivity levels emanating from the Fuckin Nuclear Station i...
Philadelphia, PA - An unusual weather system, spanning coast to coast, is making people around the country very nervous. The Spring storm is bringing rain from California all the way to New York. It's a purple rain, and it's both very beautiful and...
Tokyo - Speech expert Dr. Hotseetanuka is alarmed today at the sudden onset of stuttering that is afflicting "Nuclear Experts". Many such "experts" are being consulted today with regards to the nuclear catastrophe here.
Surprisingly, they are sud...
It been 20 odd years since the Chernobyl Disaster and yet we still have no Superheros. As this world seems to crumble down around us and the absence of Captain Planet, Superman, Batman, Wonder Women, Hulk and others, we are all heading on a downward...
PYONGYANG, North Korea - We've all heard about the double-rainbow that heralded Kim Jong-il's birth. We've heard about his knack for hitting holes-in-one at will and the operas he's composed, listened to the tales of his remarkable sexual prowess an...
A radioactive paedophile is on the run in Ireland. Don Ewin, former principal at Selafield College of Nuclear Physics, is thought to have fled to the Emerald Isle once he started to feel the heat. He is wanted for suspected counts of child pornograph...
For centuries known to the West as the Middle Kingdom or the Jhong-guo (lit' translation Mandarin = Humungous Shithole) and renown for it's highly evolved culture of bureaucratic corruption and barbaric laws, the China of today doesn't seem to have c...
Victims of depleted uranium poisoning have filed suit against the government for inadequately warning them of the inherent dangers involved in using their ordnance.
It was supposed to be a routine chest X-Ray, but for Tonight Show host Jay Leno, the result was exposure to a dangerously high level of radiation.
Pyongyang, North Korea - At an informal press conference/luncheon yesterday, North Korea unveiled its newest automobile, the Plutonium. The car is named after the highly radioactive chemical element with which most of the chassis and frame are const...
London - (Ass Mess): Police investigating the toxic poisoning of ex-KGB spook Alex Litvinenko have issued a grim warning to partying Londoners that this year's Xmas supplies of cocaine may have been contaminated with Plutonium 210 - the lethal po...
Santiago, Chile - (Ass Mess): Leading Global Piss Process luminaries, Bush Administration client-dictators and top-notch account holders of the Riggs Bank are preparing to fly to Santiago for the funeral of General Augusto Pinochet whose death yester...
Following today's revelation that former Soviet contact Dmitry Kovtun fell into a coma after testing positive for polonium-210 poisoning the National Security Agency reluctantly told Americans "the bad news first". During a 12 minute r...