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Funny story: Verbal sounds emanating from Bartholomew Utterswaithe's bedroom?

Verbal sounds emanating from Bartholomew Utterswaithe's bedroom?

Nottingham's Senior Citizen Bartholomew Utterswaithe's, was heard in his bedroom this morning. The verbal sounds that emanated from that room, were weird, hard to describe and lasted for a good two minutes or so. I will attempt here to reproduce them in written form, for I would like to know exactly what it was he was doing, and thought someone might be able to inform me. I, incidentally...
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Funny story: Local Man Stubs Toe, Converts To Christianity

Local Man Stubs Toe, Converts To Christianity

A local man converted to Christianity this morning following an accident in his sitting room. Mr Ethelred Verbatim says the incident happened around 6.45am as he was preparing to go to work. "I nipped into the sitting room to put the telly on t...
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Funny story: My week as a woman - day two

My week as a woman - day two

I awoke on the Sunday morning, momentarily forgetting about my forfeit. I had lost a bet with my wife on the subject of pain. My wife decided over the course of a week, I would discover the pain women put up with every day. The previous day's shopping trip came back to me as I rolled over to get five more minutes, only to get my thumb caught in some lacy contraption I had gone to sleep in. As I...
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Funny story: Pain Relief - advertisement

Pain Relief - advertisement

New for 2012, executive Pain Relief. Are you suffering from a pain in the neck or a pain in the backside? Let us help you. Here at Ass Ass In Pain we can sort that pain out for you. You don't need to suffer. We can sort out those persistent pains that trouble you every day, or even that one big pain in the backside that hits you just once. For a one off payment of £5,000 we will rem...
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Funny story: Scientists discover new 'heat' description

Scientists discover new 'heat' description

Up until now there have been three different colours to describe heat: Red Hot (just hot), White Hot (very hot) and Blue Hot (extremely hot). But now a group of scientists from London University have discovered a new colour to describe a new level...
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Funny story: U.K. Study Claims Crossing of Arms Reduces Pain

U.K. Study Claims Crossing of Arms Reduces Pain

Scientists from University College London released a report yesterday that supported the claim that a simple crossing of arms in front of the midsection dramatically reduces the feeling of pain. Supposedly blocking some signals to the brain, the c...
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Funny story: Local Man On The Mend After Shattered Undercarriage Trauma

Local Man On The Mend After Shattered Undercarriage Trauma

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, is reported to be on the mend following a traumatic injury sustained upon his 'undercarriage' and believed to have been initiated by a trapped hair follicle in a place nobody in their right mind would ever want to go.
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Funny story: FAA to publish Air Traffic Controllers cell phone numbers

FAA to publish Air Traffic Controllers cell phone numbers

Atlantic City, N.J. - Officials at FAATECH (a.k.a. NAFEC, a.k.a. Atlantic City Airport a.k.a The Rascal Lounge) have solved the somnolence issues with a rash stroke. Dr. Vonblight, public relations for the FAA, addressed a small group of reporters fr...
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Funny story: Anna Kirkbride (Deidre Barlow) approached to take acting lessons - Lady G. 'footing the bill'

Anna Kirkbride (Deidre Barlow) approached to take acting lessons - Lady G. 'footing the bill'

Anna Kirkbride - AKA - Deidre Barlow, or as some folk prefer to call her 'Dreary Barlow', has been approached by Spoof Writer, Lady G. to take acting lessons after a signed petition was handed to her this week. Lady G. collected 200,098 names on...
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Funny story: Time To Get Up And Go To Work

Time To Get Up And Go To Work

I'm getting older these days, and life doesn't get much easier, but a man has to do what a man has to do. I'm pretty fit, and sometimes I can compete with people half my age. But I started to feel a little bit vulnerable lately. Not only physically, but mentally too. I suspect sometimes that I'm devolving into an idiot. Maybe I am - but as long as I can take a fair stab at the Times crossword a...
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Funny story: Management by Pain Only

Management by Pain Only

Interview of Jock Ballocks, Asspria Ruler, on "Management by Pain Only" Thor Berserker, the theorist behind "Management by Punishment" recently interviewed Jock Ballocks, The Asspria God (Group Operations Director), father of Management by Pain Only©. That day Jon was sporting a full-grown moustache that makes him look even more like his childhood mentor Josef Steelline. TB: Both Josef...
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Funny story: Grimacing Mice Offer Insights into Human Behavior

Grimacing Mice Offer Insights into Human Behavior

Humans are not the only animals to grimace when they are in pain, scientists have found. Mice show their discomfort in much the same way. Studies show that the facial expressions of mice can indicate responses to pain we cannot see, so twisted res...
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Funny story: Trials and Tribulations of the Modern Sensitive Male

Trials and Tribulations of the Modern Sensitive Male

The pure white snow seemed to shine as the rays of mid morning broke free of the passing clouds and filled in the shadows with light. An unusually warm day on this February 21st, the snow had started to melt slightly on its top layer forcing small drifts and mounds to take on a smooth reflective finish. They had waited what seemed like a lifetime to get to this place, a modest little cabin nestl...
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Funny story: Pegs: The new shoe fashion revolution is here

Pegs: The new shoe fashion revolution is here

The Fashion world was both shocked and orgasmic with pleasure last week during a show featuring the new shoe collection by Monsignor Sado where all models had their toes surgically removed to model his latest range of footwear called Pegs. The Peg Sado has long attempted to replicate the type of walk already popularised by many women in high heels today. Sado explains, "They walk like gori...
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Funny story: Is It Love?

Is It Love?

The question of whether a person loves us or not is as old as civilization, and probably even older. But for all that being around for thousands of years, it remains one of the most difficult things to ascertain in our daily lives. Margaret Foley has published a new book, "Examining the Emotions," which finally tells us how to recognize love as the real thing, using nothing more elaborate than...
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Funny story: Masochists4McCain Take Pains for Repub Candie!

Masochists4McCain Take Pains for Repub Candie!

Interest groups, cults, sensitivity sessions and support systems have been joining the Presidential campaign in droves. Hawaiians, Indonesians and Africans have all flocked to the Obama fold in an ethnic entourage. But one group has driven itself bey...
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Funny story: Dutch Man Folds His Mother Into Six Pieces

Dutch Man Folds His Mother Into Six Pieces

A Dutch man has caused headaches for scientists by managing to fold his mother in half six times over.
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Funny story: Breast enlargements may cause women to float...

Breast enlargements may cause women to float...

In a recent study women who have breast enhancements bigger than they need could find themselves airborne. Seems some makers of these bigger is better breast enhancers found that if they fill them part way with some helium it could make them light and less weight filled thus making it possible for women to have less back pain.
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Obama... Ordinary like us.

Yesterday, President Obama was refused entry into a restaurant for not wearing a tie and later fined for double parking and... ordered to return his library books... and thrown off a tram...and...

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