A report by the Football Association has accidentally stumbled across information indicating that Sir Alex Ferguson is a Sith.
The governing body was forced to launch an inquiry after various premiership clubs alleged that he had the ability to in...
HARFOLD, Vt. - Harfold State College released a study today positing that the leading bullshit reason why young people feel forced to spend time with their old parents and grandparents is also costly. Dementia is as silent and deadly as an old fart a...
New Martinsville, WV--Attendants at the Deutmeyer family dinner reported mixed emotions Thursday night, as the progressive stance on homosexuality of Martin Deutmeyer, 84, was marred by family patriarch referring to homosexuality as "the gay", "the q...
The Franklin Times newspaper in rural North Carolina is reporting today that an elderly man has been found living in the woods near Louisburg, NC with a pack of dogs and is living as part of the pack. Apparently the man is healthy and relatives stat...
Philadelphia, PA-- Miss Vicky Smegma has finally decided who should be the next president of the United States. The neurotic spinster took a lot of time to make up her mind. She walked out into the cold February air this morning, satisfied she had...
Wayne LaPierre, head of the NRA, held a press conference this morning to make a major announcement. His Face flushed and obviously excited, he gripped a sheaf of papers and took the podium. He began:
"Guns don't kill people! Old age kills people...
Frank Walker is furious. He claims he is "sick to death" of lazy garbage collectors who pick up his trash from the residential care home where he has resided for the last 5 years.
So furious is Frank that he has organized a protest of what he call...
Emily Harrison, Britain's oldest woman has contacted police, afraid for her life.
"She believes that Maggie Davies of Kings Close in Dorking is gunning for her, in order to take the title of oldest woman in Britain for herself," said Detective Ins...
Washington DC - With the threat of the physical cliff eminent, a maverick group congressional leaders is dealing with the issue.
"The 2% are running out of sources of income. But we know where the money is. Old people", related a congressman,...
Dear Constituents
I have had a very hectic week or so and please excuse the wet smudges on this newsletter as I admit to feeling unusually sad at the moment.
Living disguised as eighty-six year old Ada Marples in Grey Gables Old Person's Home has had a profound, emotional effect on me and I am beginning to question the value of continuing as your elected member. Would I be better working...
OLD FOLKS HOME, FL (ABSNN) - Mitt Romney wrote off 47% of all Americans as entitlement leeches, and his running mate, Paul Ryan, pissed off 47% of that 47%, namely the elderly, in a speech today. Congressman Ryan was booed off the stage at a Meet an...
The Florida Postal Service has made an unusual request of their local patronage- to stop running into their Post Offices with their autos (see Yahoo News). There have recently been eight crashes supposedly due to 'old timers' tapping the gas pedal in...
Dear Constituents
I had a most hectic and sleepless night last night which I need to tell you about before I proceed with describing the strike that I tried to organize at Grey Gables Old Peoples' Home.
I attribute my bad dream to the hallucinatory effects of the large quantity of sherry I'd drunk the night before.
I am normally OK after gin and tonic, whisky, beer, wine, brandy and cop...
Dear Constituents
I have had a most relaxing few days. This is not what I expected after I moved into Grey Gables Old Persons' Home two days ago, but the service has been excellent.
On the other hand, I suppose, I was fortunate in that my residence here was temporary and voluntary.
Unlike the other long term residents I had not really been abandoned by my family to live amongst health a...
Dear Constituents
I have had such a hectic week and so much exciting news to tell you.
But please do not put this Newsletter aside to read whilst sat on the loo or in the pub. This one needs to be read whilst seated in your most comfortable chair with the TV off and, perhaps, a cup of tea.
As I mentioned in my last Newsletter I have recently decided to use disguise to conduct researc...
While watching the Democratic National Convention yesterday, local resident Artye McDaniels, 103, was confused to find that Barack Obama is the president of the United States.
"Obama is president, ya say?" A perplexed McDaniels said. "That can't...
Philadelphia, PA-- A complete rejection by Facebook friends has made a local spinster become suicidal. Miss Vicky Smegma joined Facebook six months ago and sent out hundreds of friend requests. No one ever bothered to answer them.
Miss Vicky Sme...
New York, NY-- Once there were billions, but now there is only one. It seems like everyone has finally ditched Facebook, except for one last person--a pathetic 81 year-old virgin named Miss Vicky Smegma.
"Where did everybody go!" said the clueles...