Wayne LaPierre, head of the NRA, held a press conference this morning to make a major announcement. His Face flushed and obviously excited, he gripped a sheaf of papers and took the podium. He began:
"Guns don't kill people! Old age kills people...
Emily Harrison, Britain's oldest woman has contacted police, afraid for her life.
"She believes that Maggie Davies of Kings Close in Dorking is gunning for her, in order to take the title of oldest woman in Britain for herself," said Detective Ins...
Honey-Do Lists and Female Barbers
I'm telling you all right now, and you can look it up here on my writer's profile: My turn-ons do not include crawling on my belly through damp, bushy, dark places with deep, wet holes....
OK, OK, I'll reconsider that.
I do not like crawling under the goddamned house to change air conditioner filters. I'm retired; I make enough money to pay some out-a-wor...
MOSCOW (ABSNN) - Vladimir Putin may be getting along in years, but he "is still as studly as ever," he said in an interview with geriatric reporter, Martin Shuttlecock.
"He's but a lad, a mere slip of a boy," Shuttlecock wrote.
"Vital, I'm vita...
Britain's last remaining Mackeson well, located in Stepney, East London has finally run dry after 105 years of production.
Mackeson, a sweet milk stout, is probably best known for the TV catchphrase: 'It looks good. It tastes good. And by golly it...
Police have asked the aged and generally over sixties to improve security on their homes after a spate of burglaries have targeted this vulnerable section of society.
"Now that pharmacies have stupendous security," said Police Inspector Gadget, "d...
People who live in the country are living longer than urban dwellers - and have better sex lives, according to researchers who investigate rumours.
The Wildlife Society believes that it's the greener life that delivers these benefits, but country...
This article, was designed by Bartholomew Utterwaithe (66), to offer help, support, succour and advice to those of the population who are entering their 60's - in an effort to lessen the culture-shock suffered by many, when they also get made redundant at 62 years of age, then suffer heart failure.
It is not intended as a solution for the those who are about to lose their concentration, bladder...
After several failed relationships with women in their early to mid-20's, 62-year-old* bachelor Nick Candlewood decided to date only age-appropriate women in their 30's.
"There are some very smart, mature 25-year-olds out there," remarked Nick, "a...
I'm feeling old lately. Not the kind of old Bill Cosby used to schlep about in his stand-up routine, lamenting the inevitable forgetfulness that comes with age, like the panic you feel when you've forgotten who you're calling before the intended party has answered the phone. It's more an ever-growing sense that there is a chasm that's widening between myself and the past. It first hit me while lis...
News that the families of millions of UK pensioners will be forced to pay twice as much for them to stay in a care home has seen stocks and shares in the mashed food and backhanded slap markets soar to unprecedented new heights.
Market's across t...
A statement released from Buckingham Palace this morning has sadly officially confirmed that Her Majesty the Queen has the age related condition known as 'detrectandis'. The condition is fortunately not life threatening. Detrectandis usually attacks...
Sex and the City producers have confirmed a prequel, a cause for celebration and a bonaza for cosmetic surgeons suffering from the recession.
Women around the world will have another chance to indulge in doses of fashion porn from the glamorous s...
Ageless actress Sharon Stone has triggered one of the biggest on set disasters in movie history, as a one mile cordon had to be set up around a film set in New York after she recreated the infamous scene from Basic Instinct. An unexplained toxic gas...
A care homes company has begun selling off its old people after going into administration.
Northern Cross, which operates 130 care homes around the UK, went into administration this week after failing to raise finance to cover its debts. 1,000 sta...
One of the old farts who contribute their pathetic rubbish to our magazine, (we've tried to discourage him) has sent in yet another of his 'Odes' - this time about the downhill differences he finds himself suffering from 1959 to 2011. Being as we rejected to git's previous three pieces of crap, we thought we'd better include this one, as it is not as bad as his usual offerings.
The place I now...
Reports have reached the world through the British red-top tabloid press that the world's oldest woman, Mary Quite-Contrary has died in Somerset, England at 145, just after visiting the Moon.
Lauded by millions of people as the word's oldest woman...
Walter Breuning, who up until last Thursday, was the world's oldest man at 114 years old, has died due to an undisclosed illness after, allegedly, ignoring expert medical advice.
Breuning spent the last month of his life in a Great Falls hospital,...