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Hungarian President Beaten To Death By All Male Mob For Criticizing Internet PornHungary's President was killed by a mob, angry over rumors that he thought internet porn "unbecoming." He has been replaced with a dictator and all of his political allies shot.
Surgeon General Issues Warning About "Having It Done Up Your Butt"America's top doctor warned citizens off taking "even a medium one" in the rear.
"It hurts, causes fissures and tearing,makes you walk funny for days. Taking it up the butt is not cool," he said.
German Reichstag TorchedThe Reichstag building in Berlin burnt to the ground yesterday. The building was filled with MP's, all of whom were killed. A dictatorship has been declared and the entire intellectual class shot.
Palermo, Sicily Sacked By Muslim HordesOver 250,000 self identified "Saracen" crusaders sacked Palermo yesterday. The group is moving now up the Italian peninsula, leaving piles of corpses in its wake. 85,000 have been reported beheaded.
American Troops Burn Australian CapitalAmerican servicemen on leave burned the Australian capital of Canberra to the ground yesterday. The Navy apologized and vowed to investigate the incident. 42,500 are thought to have burned to death.
Tortoise EjaculatesSan Diego Zoo officials said "Wilbur", a tortoise that mounted an unnamed female tortoise in November, finally began ejaculating Monday morning.
"He should be done in a month," said a spokesman.
Mike Huckabee Blown In Burger King Parking LotReporters accompanying Republican Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee caught him being blown in an Iowa woman's car Monday. Huckabee said he was a sinner and God would forgive both of them.
Hillary Clinton Thrown From Campaign Van Touring IowaStaffers sick of Hillary Clinton nodding threw her from her campaign van as it sped down an Iowa highway at 85 mph. The former first lady was gravely injured and is expected to die within the week.
FDA Approves Magnum Condoms For Two DicksThe FDA announced today that Magnum Condoms can be advertised as effective birth control for "double barreling".
"The rubbers can accommodate two average dongs," a spokeswoman said.
Tea Party Caucus Renounces ConstitutionThe Tea Party Caucus will no longer protest unconstitutonal legislation.
"We can enslave your first born and cite the commerce or necessary and proper clause," said John Bohner.
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