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Kerry Deals With Hostage CrisisA spokesman for the U.S. State Department announced that Secretary of State John Kerry has been taken hostage by Iranian terrorists and is involved in negotiations demanding his immediate release.
East-West Trade Pact SignedRepresentatives from the US and China consummated a major economic agreement that allows China to dump cheap junk on American markets, and it permits the US to saturate China with expensive junk.
Emperor Proclaims Cuba Is Part of the Empire & Announces A New CelebrationBarack I proclaimed Cuba is now part of his Empire. The Emperor also revealed that henceforward July will be KissACastroOnThe Ass month, so all dutiful serfs in the Empire had better pucker up PDQ.
Imperial Palace Announces New Prestigious AppointmentBarack I has named Justice John Roberts as Lord Chancellor of Obamacare with specific authority to condemn all those AntiO'Carelamic terrorists to be waterboarded in perpetuity at Guantanamo Bay Keep.
Trump Announces Post-Presidential Election MandateHis Donaldship revealed:new Capital will be Atlantic City renamed Trumptopia; guys must wear Trump wigs; gals must wear skimpy handmaiden togs & be his 'Apprentices';and Rosie O'Donnell to be skinned.
Supreme Court Will Issue Definitive Decision Next TuesdayAt end of 2015 term US Supreme Court will issue its most definitive decision to date,mandating that all in US must now be GAY.Activists celebrate,while religious adherents prep for guerilla warfare.
Divorcee Cuts Everything In Half!Shitsville, Arkansas - An angry man took every possession him and his ex-wife had, and cut it in half - including Flopsy, the Shih-Tzu. "What-? said Ronny to the judge, "I gave the bitch both halves!"
US Celebrates Peace On July 4thIn a historic reconciliatory humanitarian gesture the United States will release all terrorists from secret prisons so they can enjoy 4th of July activities, particularly making pyrotechnical devices.
Gay Marriage Law Prevails In Supreme CourtHeterosexual Americans are outraged at the controversial verdict handed down from the high court legalizing gay marriages. The ruling outlaws all marriages between men and women unless they are gay.
Santorum's Presidential Key Wish Evokes Classic Movie CharacterClose insiders at Campaign Santorum know that their hopeful's key wish for a Presidential victory would be like that of the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz -- to somehow obtain a brain.
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