Friday 15th 2013
Dear Diary,
Well I have survived a night in Wandsworth Prison and I haven't been beaten up yet. I'm 'padded' (sharing) a cell (toilet) with somebody who cannot be named for legal reasons but he's 'in' (convicted) for robbing old grannies for their handbags and seems quite harmless, and he had to get up in the middle of the night and have a very large poo (crap). Oh the ind...
Disgraced and humiliated Lib Dem MP Chris Huhne has asked to be given a community sentence in regards to his recent guilty plea for perjury and perverting the course of justice.
In the biggest scandal to hit Whitehall since plebgate and George Ga...
A new post, Offensive Minister, has been created by the Government as a result of public demand : the new Minister is to be Algernon Crapper MP for Littlehumpton - a man who will imbue confidence into his Post.
In an announcement Crapper stated t...
British MP's are demanding at least a 32% payrise because they feel the hot-air garbage that spews out of their mouths is worth much more than what they are receiving at the moment!
David Cameron who spews out the most hot-air rhetoric, is demandi...
A 20-year-old car regularly used by teenagers has been condemned as unfit for use. All four tyres were under-inflated, both wing mirrors were missing, and the windscreen was filthy.
A group of 14-18 year-olds in Stockport have been put at risk bec...
Doris Mad, 57, of Dorking, has created an extraordinary living artwork. In her front garden she has built a scale model of the House of Commons, which she has filled with 650 rodents to represent the 650 UK Members of Parliament.
Every UK MP is re...
Dear Constituent
I have had a hectic few days spoiled by a gastric upset which I blame on the poisoned haggis that arrived via Parcel Force from an address in Aberdeen.
I actually suspect my last newsletter upset Alex Salmond of the SNP and it was he who posted me the spiked Macsween haggis.
Both of these famous names - Salmond and Macsween - claim to be guardians of Scottishness -...
Dear Constituents
I had a very hectic weekend, utterly spoilt by my wife insisting I attend the wedding of her niece to a man who hails from Edinburgh.
As we all know, Scots are well known for being careful with their money but how low they can stoop was brought home to me when I was given a handful of confetti to throw. It was dirty.
Whilst I waited in the car for the reception to f...
Dear Constituents
Fresh from my work experience as an apprentice vicar at Krupton Parish Church and with the Conference season over for another year we can now focus on more important things such as re-election.
My theme this week will be the looming power crisis and I have a solution that I think should guarantee me the necessary attention before the election and a Ministerial job soon...
Dear Constituents (and Parishioners)
I have had a very hectic week.
I should really have gone along to the Party Conference but, instead, undertook some specialised work experience.
Unless one is pre-booked to perform on the main stage or even one of the side shows, Party Conferences are a useless pathway to career progression especially for a non-comformist so I decided to get away with...
Dear constituents
Everything has returned to hectic normality since the few days I spent in drag in Grey Gables Old Peoples' Home.
I have to admit that I miss my knickers, though. Despite occasional disasters I found these over-sized garments far more comfortable than my Y-fronts so I'm going to renew the campaign once started by the excellent Mr Paxman to improve the design of men's underwe...
Dear Constituents
I have had a very hectic week or so and please excuse the wet smudges on this newsletter as I admit to feeling unusually sad at the moment.
Living disguised as eighty-six year old Ada Marples in Grey Gables Old Person's Home has had a profound, emotional effect on me and I am beginning to question the value of continuing as your elected member. Would I be better working...
Dear Constituents
I had a most hectic and sleepless night last night which I need to tell you about before I proceed with describing the strike that I tried to organize at Grey Gables Old Peoples' Home.
I attribute my bad dream to the hallucinatory effects of the large quantity of sherry I'd drunk the night before.
I am normally OK after gin and tonic, whisky, beer, wine, brandy and cop...
Dear Constituents
I have had a most relaxing few days. This is not what I expected after I moved into Grey Gables Old Persons' Home two days ago, but the service has been excellent.
On the other hand, I suppose, I was fortunate in that my residence here was temporary and voluntary.
Unlike the other long term residents I had not really been abandoned by my family to live amongst health a...
Dear Constituents
I have had such a hectic week and so much exciting news to tell you.
But please do not put this Newsletter aside to read whilst sat on the loo or in the pub. This one needs to be read whilst seated in your most comfortable chair with the TV off and, perhaps, a cup of tea.
As I mentioned in my last Newsletter I have recently decided to use disguise to conduct researc...
Dear Constituents
I have had a very hectic few days and must apologise for the lack of Newsletters. This is partly because my visit to Greece (the Faliraki Economic Conference) took several days longer than expected, as you may have discovered by reading last week's copy of the Krupton News and other rags. I just wish I had been given the opportunity to explain things in more detail before they...
Monday 21st May 2012
Topic: Crime - Appeal - Robbery
Headline "Police seek robbery attempt witnesses"
Source: Nottingham Police Site
Extract: Police are appealing for witnesses after an attempted robbery at a post office in Bestwood Park.
It happened at Elmbridge Post Office, in Beckhampton Road, at about 9.45am yesterday (Wednesday 22 August).
A man entered the premises, demanded cash,...
Dear Constituents
I have had a very busy week and it's all because I launched Kelpileaks.
The KelpiLeaks "Bullshit and Disinformation File" is clearly the most popular section and I already have such a fast growing network of volunteers feeding in 5 Star Bullshit that I was thinking of recalling Anthea (my PA) from her holiday in Faliraki (which is somewhere in Greece) to deal with the respo...