Dearborn, Michigan - It's been a rough road for the introduction of 2013 Ford Escape. First, the newly designed SUV was recalled because its gas pedal had a tendency to get stuck in the carpeting at awkward moments. Another recall was required for fl...
Washington, DC-- The Department of Homeland Sissies considers all supporters of a fast-food chicken outlet (which specializes in cooking up the the fillet real nice) as dangerous to America and plans to punish them. Hundreds of thousands of citizens...
New York - After years of burning through trillions of taxpayer dollars, the US Department of Homeland Security has finally scored. The agency shut down an elaborate terrorist operation that would have destroyed the heart of the city on the Fourth of...
At a press conference that was held this afternoon at an undisclosed location at Vinny's Sewage and Body Parts Disposal Plant, located at 11524 Drubbing Street, Newark, New Jersey, the head of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano defended new regulat...
BILLINGSGATE POST (Exclusive)- Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, admitted today on Face The Nation that her agency had put a traveler dressed as a Dodo Bird on the "NO FLY" list. While attempting to board a plane from LAX to the isl...
President Obama was informed yesterday about definite threats to the homeland from terrorists posing as TSA, DHS or other government officials. There was also specific intelligence about a female terrorist, a lookalike of DHS Secretary Janet Napolita...
New York, NY-- If you're thinking of leaving Facebook--don't. Congress passed a law last week to protect Facebook, and it was signed into law by the president. Any attempt to cut off contact with the popular website will result in arrest, convictio...
CHICKITIN: Dr. BILLINGSGATE wishes to thank Guy Lombardo for providing the inspiration for "The Immigration Song." It is a variation of "The Chicken Song" that was quite popular back in the '40's and '50's and was sung by the vocalist for Guy Lombardo's band.
THE IMMIGRATION SONG
Cock-a-doodle-doo, bless our illegal immigrants
They bypass our borders the best they kin
Sometimes nine an...
In an effort to streamline US Homeland Security efforts Secretary Janet Napolitano has asked immigrants to "get real names". The move follows a number of cases in which the same individual has appeared at different places bearing different names, or...
Washington DC - The Federal Government's army of airport security guards is being enlisted in the fight to reduce the nation's budget deficit.
Under a new program called "Finders/Keepers," TSA agents will be empowered to seize any currency, jewelr...
Houston, TX - NASA is reporting today that the Kepler Mission has spotted five gay planets rotating around a distant sun. NASA says the five gay planets are 'poofy' and orbit their sun in a kind of 'circle jerk'. Another, heavier planet was discove...
North Pole - Homeland Insecurity has a warning for Santa: expect death if you try to enter the Homeland on Christmas Eve. Santa Claus is listed as a 'food extremist' by Homeland Insecurity, and he will be shot out of the skies if he attempts to inva...
Washington, DC-- The new airport body scanners are doing a lot more than people expected. Homeland's Janet Napolitano doesn't want anyone to fear the new technology. She had exciting news that the body scanners have amazing health benefits, and she...
New York, NY-- The degrading airline security searches are about to get a lot more degrading next week. Homeland Insecurity fears that a terrorist may eventually insert a bomb up their ass. To prevent this, airline passengers must now defecate in f...
New York, NY-- Airport security firms began rolling out the newest technology to fight terrorism today. The firms are borrowing and idea from the UFO world, and they will begin inserting anal probes into every airline passenger. The anal probes are...
A spokesperson for Janet Napolitano, Secretary of the US Department of Homeland Security, has announced that after a two year, 6 billion dollar study, "We think there might be a risk to using those computer thingies to store and transmit secret infor...
Lost Angeles, CA - A disappointed crowd was on hand when they learned that a last-minute change to the star-studded American Idol finale meant that U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, would not be appearing as expected. Taking...
At a White House Press conference held Thursday Press Secretary Robert Gibbs revealed that Janet Napolitano is one of the U.S.'s most important weapons against terrorism.
What appeared to be borderline mental retardation had actually been a cleve...