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Funny satire stories about Janet Napolitano

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Funny story: Homeland Security Releases 5,000 Illegal Immigrants Due To Budget Cuts

Homeland Security Releases 5,000 Illegal Immigrants Due To Budget Cuts

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The secretary of The Department of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano has verified that 5,000 illegal aliens that were being incarcerated in California, Georgia, Maine, and Texas have been released due to federal budget cuts. S...
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Funny story: Ford Offers 'Ejection Seating' to Fix Recalled Escapes

Ford Offers 'Ejection Seating' to Fix Recalled Escapes

Dearborn, Michigan - It's been a rough road for the introduction of 2013 Ford Escape. First, the newly designed SUV was recalled because its gas pedal had a tendency to get stuck in the carpeting at awkward moments. Another recall was required for fl...
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Funny story: DHS Labels Chicken Fillet Outlet Supporters As Terrorists, Vows Revenge

DHS Labels Chicken Fillet Outlet Supporters As Terrorists, Vows Revenge

Washington, DC-- The Department of Homeland Sissies considers all supporters of a fast-food chicken outlet (which specializes in cooking up the the fillet real nice) as dangerous to America and plans to punish them. Hundreds of thousands of citizens...
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Funny story: Homeland Security Crushes July 4th Terror Plot

Homeland Security Crushes July 4th Terror Plot

New York - After years of burning through trillions of taxpayer dollars, the US Department of Homeland Security has finally scored. The agency shut down an elaborate terrorist operation that would have destroyed the heart of the city on the Fourth of...
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Funny story: Janet Napolitano, Defends Requiring Border Agents to Run and Hide from Gunmen

Janet Napolitano, Defends Requiring Border Agents to Run and Hide from Gunmen

At a press conference that was held this afternoon at an undisclosed location at Vinny's Sewage and Body Parts Disposal Plant, located at 11524 Drubbing Street, Newark, New Jersey, the head of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano defended new regulat...
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Funny story: Janet Napolitano Puts Dodo Bird On "No Fly" List

Janet Napolitano Puts Dodo Bird On "No Fly" List

BILLINGSGATE POST (Exclusive)- Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, admitted today on Face The Nation that her agency had put a traveler dressed as a Dodo Bird on the "NO FLY" list. While attempting to board a plane from LAX to the isl...
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Funny story: "Imminent Threat Of Terrorists Posing As TSA and DHS Personnel," CIA says

"Imminent Threat Of Terrorists Posing As TSA and DHS Personnel," CIA says

President Obama was informed yesterday about definite threats to the homeland from terrorists posing as TSA, DHS or other government officials. There was also specific intelligence about a female terrorist, a lookalike of DHS Secretary Janet Napolita...
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Funny story: Leaving Facebook Now A Felony

Leaving Facebook Now A Felony

New York, NY-- If you're thinking of leaving Facebook--don't. Congress passed a law last week to protect Facebook, and it was signed into law by the president. Any attempt to cut off contact with the popular website will result in arrest, convictio...
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Funny story: Border Patrol Serenades Janet Napolitano:

Border Patrol Serenades Janet Napolitano:

CHICKITIN: Dr. BILLINGSGATE wishes to thank Guy Lombardo for providing the inspiration for "The Immigration Song." It is a variation of "The Chicken Song" that was quite popular back in the '40's and '50's and was sung by the vocalist for Guy Lombardo's band. THE IMMIGRATION SONG Cock-a-doodle-doo, bless our illegal immigrants They bypass our borders the best they kin Sometimes nine an...
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Funny story: "Get Real Names", Napolitano tells Immigrants

"Get Real Names", Napolitano tells Immigrants

In an effort to streamline US Homeland Security efforts Secretary Janet Napolitano has asked immigrants to "get real names". The move follows a number of cases in which the same individual has appeared at different places bearing different names, or...
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Funny story: TSA Launches 'Finders/Keepers' to Battle the Deficit

TSA Launches 'Finders/Keepers' to Battle the Deficit

Washington DC - The Federal Government's army of airport security guards is being enlisted in the fight to reduce the nation's budget deficit. Under a new program called "Finders/Keepers," TSA agents will be empowered to seize any currency, jewelr...
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Funny story: Kepler Mission Discovers Five Gay Planets

Kepler Mission Discovers Five Gay Planets

Houston, TX - NASA is reporting today that the Kepler Mission has spotted five gay planets rotating around a distant sun. NASA says the five gay planets are 'poofy' and orbit their sun in a kind of 'circle jerk'. Another, heavier planet was discove...
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Funny story: Homeland Insecurity Warns: Santa Brings Fruitcake

Homeland Insecurity Warns: Santa Brings Fruitcake

North Pole - Homeland Insecurity has a warning for Santa: expect death if you try to enter the Homeland on Christmas Eve. Santa Claus is listed as a 'food extremist' by Homeland Insecurity, and he will be shot out of the skies if he attempts to inva...
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Funny story: Airport Body Scanners Melt Fat, Cure Baldness

Airport Body Scanners Melt Fat, Cure Baldness

Washington, DC-- The new airport body scanners are doing a lot more than people expected. Homeland's Janet Napolitano doesn't want anyone to fear the new technology. She had exciting news that the body scanners have amazing health benefits, and she...
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Funny story: New TSA Rules--Airline Passengers Must Defecate

New TSA Rules--Airline Passengers Must Defecate

New York, NY-- The degrading airline security searches are about to get a lot more degrading next week. Homeland Insecurity fears that a terrorist may eventually insert a bomb up their ass. To prevent this, airline passengers must now defecate in f...
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Funny story: Anal Probes Now Part Of Airport Security

Anal Probes Now Part Of Airport Security

New York, NY-- Airport security firms began rolling out the newest technology to fight terrorism today. The firms are borrowing and idea from the UFO world, and they will begin inserting anal probes into every airline passenger. The anal probes are...
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Funny story: Department of Homeland Security announces control of cyber-warfare initiative

Department of Homeland Security announces control of cyber-warfare initiative

A spokesperson for Janet Napolitano, Secretary of the US Department of Homeland Security, has announced that after a two year, 6 billion dollar study, "We think there might be a risk to using those computer thingies to store and transmit secret infor...
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Funny story: Janet Jackson Fills in for Janet Napolitano at American Idol Finale

Janet Jackson Fills in for Janet Napolitano at American Idol Finale

Lost Angeles, CA - A disappointed crowd was on hand when they learned that a last-minute change to the star-studded American Idol finale meant that U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, would not be appearing as expected. Taking...
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Breaking News...

Iron Man Booted Out of Avengers for Drunken Flying..Again!

Captain America and Hulk met the press to make the sad announcement that Iron Man was no longer a member of the Avengers due to his alcoholism. "He PROMISED it wouldn't happen again!" said the Hulk.

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