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Funny story: Lecture in Nottingham by Prof. Grimesworthy

Lecture in Nottingham by Prof. Grimesworthy

'We must ensure a future for our children' Nottingham University's Professor Grimesworthy Ph.D gave a speech to the Muggedanddrugged Lane Community Association last week in Nottingham. He arrived at the centre, parked up his Range Rover, posed for the press photographs, and entered the shed. He was welcomed at the 15 seated Le Grand meeting hall at the side of the disused and fire-bombed...
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Funny story: Shylock Humes an the case of the missing Mascot: Part One

Shylock Humes an the case of the missing Mascot: Part One

Shylock Humes woke with a start Mrs Hudson had dropped the breakfast tray on him again. "Ooh beg pardon Eric, I tripped on the half rug" sighed Mrs Hudson. "Never call me Eric Maude, you never know who is listening" warned Shylock. "I didn't know your name was Eric" said a voice from the wardrobe. Quick as a flash, Shylock leapt from his bed and grabbed his gun, Mrs Hudson grabbed her...
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Funny story: My Senior Moments for W/E: 16th September 2012

My Senior Moments for W/E: 16th September 2012

Monday 10th September * Up early (0400hrs) to do diaries in time to go to the launderette. * Amazing find - outside the launderette, there has been a public telephone box for many years, but as with so many, the use of the mobile phone has lessened the need for these old phone boxes. They have replaced it with an cash machine (ATM) the same size and shape of the old telephone box. I was chat...
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Funny story: Selected Nottingham News for W/E 16th Sept 2012 + comments

Selected Nottingham News for W/E 16th Sept 2012 + comments

Monday 10th September Topic: Cars torched - Arson - Crime Headline Nottingham Police hunt arsonists after cars are torched"" Source: This is Nottingham Extract: Sarah Zawadzki, 21, of Hucknall, found her automatic Nissan Micra had been set on fire near her home on Saturday morning. It was one of a series of similar attacks in Barbara Square, George Street, Annesley Road and Central Avenue,...
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Funny story: Selected Political News for W/E 16th Sept 2012 + comments

Selected Political News for W/E 16th Sept 2012 + comments

Monday 10th September Topic: Ed Balls - Labour - Nick Clegg - Vince Cable Headline "Labour would govern with the Lib Dems "today" if they dumped Nick Clegg for Vince Cable, Ed Balls has declared." Source: The Sun Extract: In a mischievous move, the shadow Chancellor heaped praise on the left-leaning Business Secretary to split the struggling Libs Dems. He said Dr Cable "put his country firs...
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Funny story: Verbal sounds emanating from Bartholomew Utterswaithe's bedroom?

Verbal sounds emanating from Bartholomew Utterswaithe's bedroom?

Nottingham's Senior Citizen Bartholomew Utterswaithe's, was heard in his bedroom this morning. The verbal sounds that emanated from that room, were weird, hard to describe and lasted for a good two minutes or so. I will attempt here to reproduce them in written form, for I would like to know exactly what it was he was doing, and thought someone might be able to inform me. I, incidentally...
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Funny story: My Senior Moments for W/E: 9th September 2012

My Senior Moments for W/E: 9th September 2012

Monday 3rd September * Gawd heavens... new pains in groin today. * Went over to see the lovely Margaret. She seemed a little less tired today. Walked her home, and I invested in some Health lottery tickets... I am a fool, as if I stood a chance... huh! * No walks today, spent ages on laptop, burnt another saucepan, and dropped then stood on a tomato. * By gum life's exciting! Tuesda...
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Funny story: Selected Nottingham News for W/E 9th Sept 2012 + comments

Selected Nottingham News for W/E 9th Sept 2012 + comments

Monday 3rd September Topic: Crime - Murder Headline "Six arrested after teenager is stabbed to death at party in Nott's" Source: Nottingham Post Extract: A teenager has died after being stabbed in a fight during a birthday party. He was pronounced dead at the scene. Detectives were last night quizzing six people arrested after the incident, which happened at 10.40pm on Friday. Tribute...
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Funny story: Selected Nottingham News for W/E 2nd Sept 2012 + comments

Selected Nottingham News for W/E 2nd Sept 2012 + comments

Monday 27th August Topic: Crime - Scum - Attack - Pensioner Headline "Men threaten Kimberley pensioner with knife and ransack her home" Source: This is Nottingham Extract: The four thugs pushed Balwinder Dhami over and held her down after she answered a knock at her door on Saturday evening. The 69-year-old told how they ransacked her bungalow in Kimberley looking for money in the 15-minute...
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Funny story: My Senior Moments for W/E: 2nd September 2012

My Senior Moments for W/E: 2nd September 2012

Monday 27th August 2012: * Up early, medications (all bar water tablets) then did the Spoof diaries for the day. During which I only required four visits to the WC... getting easier now. * Wash, shave sh__, teggies tended to. * Went over to see Stewart, but he was not in, I'd forgot it was Monday, his day at the social centre. (I know... your amazed that I should forget anything) * Set...
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Funny story: Selected Political News for W/E 27th August 2012 + comments

Selected Political News for W/E 27th August 2012 + comments

Monday 20th August Topic: Ian Duncan Smith - Unemployment - BBC Headline "BBC has 'Peed all over us' says Ian Duncan Smith" Source: The Sun Extract: The Work and Pensions Secretary said economics editor Stephanie Flanders had "peed all over" the figures to paint the Government in a bad light. Statistics last week showed that despite the recession June unemployment was 2.56 million - the low...
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Funny story: Warning Signs wot I noticed today...

Warning Signs wot I noticed today...

I awoke, and perused the warning signs on my morning medications before taking them: Warnings: If you miss dose and it is close to the time for your next dose, miss that one... Do not give to children or and adolescents below 18 years of age... Possible Side Effects: (To numerous to mention) If you take more ........ than you should go to the nearest Hospital A&E... Do not stop...
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Funny story: My Senior Moments: W/E: 27th Aug 2012

My Senior Moments: W/E: 27th Aug 2012

Monday 20th August * Up really early to do diaries and mags - then got ready for trip out to Skeggy. * Just made it in time to meet Sister Janet and Brother-in-law Pete for trip out on train to Skegness that they had paid for as an early birthday pressie - except only Brother-in-law Pete was there, seems I got it mixed up again and thought Janet was coming. Not so. * Really enjoyed chinwa...
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Funny story: My Senior Moments: W/E: 19th August 2012

My Senior Moments: W/E: 19th August 2012

Monday 13th Aug * Up and at em this morning - feeling better than for a long time. Medicated, ablutionised, and over the road to see Margaret, looking good. * Walked to Bulwell, got some nosh in, and bussed home to the hovel. * Bit of bother late on staying awake, and food came back up. Tuesday 14th Aug * Again, despite proper kip, I felt okay this morning. * Medications, ablutions, diarie...
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Funny story: Selected Nottingham News for W/E 19th August 2012 + comments

Selected Nottingham News for W/E 19th August 2012 + comments

Monday 13th Aug Topic: Charity - School holidays Headline "Nottingham food bank opened for school holidays" Source: BBC News Extract: A new food bank aimed at helping families during the school summer holidays has opened in Nottingham. The NG7 food bank was set up by volunteers following reports people were walking from the city centre to another food bank in Beeston. The new service giv...
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Funny story: My Senior Moments for W/E: 12th July 2012

My Senior Moments for W/E: 12th July 2012

Monday 6th Aug * Up early, went to WC - found I'd left the flipping heater on all night again! Ah well, the utility company will be glad. * Did diaries for Spoof, and posted them. * Went over to ogle Margaret... she installs feelings in certain quarters that I should not be having at my age and health! * Went for a walk afterwards, got caught in the rain, the brolly blew inside out and is now...
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Funny story: 50 Things Bartholomew Utterswaithe would do if he ruled the World

50 Things Bartholomew Utterswaithe would do if he ruled the World

I, Bartholomew Utterswaithe declare that in the event of my ruling the world, I would carry out the following 50 actions with haste, rapidity, and determination, for the betterment of mankind: 1) I would liquidate money from existence - every thing would be free. 2) I would ban impecuniousness, by ridding the world of those pathetic mongrels who suffer this fate, and feed the bodies (baked...
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Funny story: Selected Nottingham News for W/E 12th August 2012 + comments

Selected Nottingham News for W/E 12th August 2012 + comments

Monday 6th Aug Topic: Crime - DUI - Crash - Arrest Headline "Driver arrested after woman seriously injured in Arnold crash" Source: This is Nottingham Extract: A woman is seriously injured in hospital after a crash in Arnold yesterday. A 31-year old man has been arrested in relation to the crash, on suspicion of dangerous driving and driving while unfit through drink or drugs. Comments:...
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