Funny satire stories about Gateshead

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Cash ruins unblemished driving record

An 80-year-old driver who accidentally dropped a load of money on to the road has blotted his previously unblemished driving record. Gateshead magistrates heard that Ivor Lodesadosh, owner of the Big Game Casino, was driving to the bank in his jee...

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Giant axis found in shopping centre

Funny story: Giant axis found in shopping centre

Shoppers at Gateshead's largest shopping centre had to leave hurriedly when the centre began to spin around faster than usual. A team of retail scientists specializing in shopping centres rushed to the scene, and pinpointed the exact centre of the...

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A costly trip

Gateshead council has been ordered to pay £5,000 in compensation to a resident who suffered a fractured ankle after tripping on a payment. Jack Poundfoot was leaving the council offices when he tripped over a stack of money which had been dropped...

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Home-buyers hit by new rulers

Two people viewing a house were concussed when several multi-packs of metre-rulers fell on their heads. Mr & Mrs Sorhedds were looking round the property in Gateshead with a view to buying it. As they peered up to look at the upstairs ceiling,...

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Man eats his own finger

A 40-year-old man had to have hospital treatment after he ate his own finger. Ivor Wonmissin, from Gateshead, was poking about trying to pick out bits of meat that had got stuck in his teeth after his meal, when he accidentally bit into his index...

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Church ceiling ruined by sandals

The ceiling of St. Slippersarus Church in Gateshead is in need of repair after sandals ruined the décor. Apparently, youngsters had been observed taking off their sandals and hurling them upwards to shouts of 'Hallelujah!'. "It's a scandal,"...

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Unknown nose-picker picked for Eurovision

A virtually unknown man from the North was unveiled last night as Britain's Eurovision contestant. "His musical talent is not necessarily of the highest standard," said a BBC TV spokesman, "but he is likely to win viewers over by his unique style...

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Many of us baffled over sharing NHS records

Almost half of Britons do not understand plans for sharing their NHS records. And increasing numbers of GPs (Geriatric Persons) are not clear how to use them. The Norman Hunter Singers (NHS) were a renowned choir based in Gateshead. They sold over...

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Tourism increases in Gateshead

The new tourist information centre in Gateshead has recorded another visit this week. "We only opened this new tourism centre in the Town Hall three months ago," said Cawlin Anavaluck, Gateshead's councillor for tourism. "And already we've had two...

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Tears grow for kissing teenager

Doctors are concerned about a 16-year-old girl who has been crying profusely every time she kisses someone. At first, when Wendy Wetkiss started kissing people properly, only a few small tears would run down her cheeks. But recently her tears have...

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Library 'too quiet'

An elderly book-lover has complained bitterly that her local library was too quiet. "There was a deathly silence about the place," moaned 75-year-old Lily Brearian, who has been using the library in Gateshead for over 50 years. "And recently I've...

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Elastic shortage raises risk of low-slung underwear

The risk of shortages in supplies of decent elastic this year is increasing, National Elasticity warned yesterday. Recent heat-waves in various parts of the world have ruined the availability of rubber and elastic, and many production companies ha...

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Day's bakings are stolen

Hungry thieves broke the window of a baker's shop in Gateshead yesterday and stole the day's bakings. Dozens of bread loaves and scores of cream buns were taken along with apple pies and big scones. As soon as George Cook, the baker, arrived,...

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Police bite dog twice in one day

Two policemen were observed biting a big mongrel dog after trying to arrest it for loitering with intent all morning in Gateshead. A witness said that one policeman held the dog while the other one bit it. A small crowd gathered and one elderly...

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Jobless rat hits another record

An unemployed rat has again caused damage in BBC Radio Gateshead's studio. DJ Ike Anspinnem was getting ready to play an old record by the BoomTown Rats when the jobless rat leapt on to the turn-table and hit the record with its front paws and hea...

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Former bubble-gum champion robs sweet-shop

A champion bubble-gum blower is starting another 5-year prison sentence after an armed attack on a sweet-shop in Gateshead. Alan Wrigley, 45, was named in the Guinness Book of Records as the young British record-holder after blowing an 18-inch bub...

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Gateshead Couple Fall on Hard Times

A middle-aged couple are recovering in hospital after a freak accident on their local high street. George and Florence Sellers tripped over a tightly bound parcel of newspapers which had been left for them outside their newsagents shop. They fell...

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Grandma banned from rugby club

A Gateshead grandmother has been given a life ban from her local rugby club, Wearside Werewolves. The 76-year-old prop-forward was shown the red card for going down on her opposing hooker during a tense game against local rivals Toon Tykes. For...

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