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Funny story:  Osborne arrested for 'stomping the green shoots of recovery'

Osborne arrested for 'stomping the green shoots of recovery'

Police have today cautioned George Osborne and issued an interim restraining order banning him from all garden centres, after reports that he was seen 'maliciously stamping on the green shoots of recovery'. Osborne is reported to have roamed the h...
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Funny story:  Mother's Day Eve gardeners' vigil - as it happens

Mother's Day Eve gardeners' vigil - as it happens

Gardeners up and down the country are on high alert due to the annual predation of daffodils by scroats planning to 'delight' their mothers. Supermarkets yesterday reported selling out of Red Bull, torch batteries and high-power water pistols (nor...
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Funny story:  Police may have planted weapons

Police may have planted weapons

Gardeners have been warned to watch out for dangerous metallic objects, after a laser gun was found in a crop of potatoes in a Mansfield allotment. When officers went to investigate the plot, a 12-bore rifle was seen peeping out above a row of bee...
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Funny story:  Stop messing with our minds BBC's Gardeners' World is told

Stop messing with our minds BBC's Gardeners' World is told

London - Rum goings-on behind the Berryfields potting shed have been blamed for a vile rumour about Monty Don's golden retriever Nigel. Absent for several weeks during an outbreak of Badger's Disease on local allotments the five year-old pooch's s...
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Funny story:  Dorking Police Search Garden For Human Remains

Dorking Police Search Garden For Human Remains

Police in Dorking were at the centre of a row today after digging up a local garden. Officers from Dorking Central Division, accompanied by dog handlers and an armed response unit descended on 34 Lucknow Gardens shortly after 7am. "We wanted to...
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Funny story:  Gardeners' Question Time: The Venerable Bede Advises Franz Schubert

Gardeners' Question Time: The Venerable Bede Advises Franz Schubert

This week's guest gardening expert is The Father of English History and scathing Transportation and Culture Analyst THE VENERABLE BEDE Here is just a taste of some of the works that have earned The Venerable Bede the right to stand shoulder to shoulder with literary giants such as J K Rowling and James Corden: Brittania Oceani insula, cui quondam Albion nomen fuit, inter septentrionem et...
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Funny story:  Idaho Cactus Enjoying Accidental Time In Spotlight

Idaho Cactus Enjoying Accidental Time In Spotlight

BOISE--With talk of the March 6th Idaho Caucus picking up, a surprising figure has inadvertently risen to the forefront of internet searches. Lookups for "idaho cactus" and "idaho cactus info" have risen over 600% in the past few days alone. The...
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Funny story:  Bloomin heatwave sets fire to petunias shockhorror!

Bloomin heatwave sets fire to petunias shockhorror!

London - Barking resident Mrs Iris McReedy spoke of her dismay today after a greenhouse gas-fuelled solar arson attack fried the contents of her hanging basket. The octogenarian pensioner said she'd noticed 'a funny pong' "like smouldering compost...
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Funny story:  Letters To The Editor About Heroes Of The Empire

Letters To The Editor About Heroes Of The Empire

Dear Sir, I was fascinated to read in your magazine, about three years ago (I can't remember exactly when), about the days of the British Empire and some of the great characters of those times. But why did you not mention my ancestor William Plumstone, the man who introduced the porcelain eggcup to the Headhunters of Sarawak? Despite being warned numerous times, William had the courage to...
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Funny story:  Organ playing Dorking pensioner in rhubarb scandal

Organ playing Dorking pensioner in rhubarb scandal

A Dorking vegetable grower has barricaded himself in his garden shed after being accused of stealing rhubarb from an adjoining allotment. Retired maths teacher Cyril Nonce, aged 88, had been reported to the police by his vigilant next door neighbo...
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Funny story:  Monet Garden Job Goes To Scouser

Monet Garden Job Goes To Scouser

A gardener from Merseyside has landed one of the prize jobs in horticulture - tending Claude Monet's garden. Fred Compost has to keep the garden, at Giverny, Normandy, in the condition it was when the impressionist master lived there. Some of M...
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Funny story:  Monty Signs Up For Gardeners World

Monty Signs Up For Gardeners World

Former Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie has been unveiled as the new frontman for the flagship BBC programme, Gardeners World. Monty is taking over from former presenter Toby Buckland, whose 2 year stint ended when he walked out in protest at t...
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Funny story:  Terrorist Dismayed That Planted Bombs Are Not Growing

Terrorist Dismayed That Planted Bombs Are Not Growing

Newly anointed Al-Qaeda member, Ali By-Golly, looked dismayingly upon an open dirt field and sighed deeply. "Why won't they grow? Why won't my planted bombs grow into wonderful bomb trees? Oh why? Oh why? Oh why?" "I joined Al-Qaeda to kill infidels. I joined Al-Qaeda to rid the world of infidels and I am trying so hard to rid the world of infidels, whatever the hell they are. They...
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Funny story:  Master Gardener arrested again for using human body parts

Master Gardener arrested again for using human body parts

Whidbey Island, Washington - Hector Creatmore jailed in 2004 after he confessed to using human body parts in his compost fertilizer, was arrested again after a lone foot was found floating in the lake near his home. Mr. Creatmore became a suspec...
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Funny story:  Congress to Consider Single-Payer Lawncare Legislation

Congress to Consider Single-Payer Lawncare Legislation

WASHINGTON, DC - Fresh off his healthcare "victory", Harry Reid announced today that he will introduce legislation next week that will mandate that all homeowners subscribe to the American Lawn Care Program (ALCP). In a press conference this after...
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Funny story:  Gardener Criticised for Grenade Stupidity

Gardener Criticised for Grenade Stupidity

Geordie pensioner, Herbert Azalea, has long been a proud gardener. Even losing four of his, "green fingers" in a lawnmower accident back in the 70's hasn't stopped him taking to the garden every summer to prune his rosebushes. Last week whilst at...
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Funny story:  ObamaNomics: US Agriculture Growing - Michelle Increases Size of Garden 50%!

ObamaNomics: US Agriculture Growing - Michelle Increases Size of Garden 50%!

Despite falling poll numbers and the rise of unemployment and corresponding dissent in the US, President Barry Obama pointed with pride to Michelle's new garden as a sign that the US economy was 'back' and adding hundreds of more 'green jobs!" Ju...
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Funny story:  Wayne Rooney Applies For An Allotment

Wayne Rooney Applies For An Allotment

A leaked report from Cheshire County Council appears to indicate that the Manchester United and England striker Wayne Rooney has put in a formal application for an allotment within reasonable walking distance of his Cheshire home. According to loc...
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