Drink-spiking drug and racoon laxative, Rohypnol, actually counts as one of your five-a-day according to sometimes sex offender, Gavin McCloroform.
Gavin, a thirty-eight-year-old dietician from Cardiff, claims the drug is misunderstood and with t...
A farmers' lobby group have successfully managed to repeal an ancient law affecting how berry-pickers work. Some farmers say that illegal immigrant Eastern European berry-pickers have been taking advantage of the law and stuffing themselves so full t...
ANKARA: At a conference in Ankara, Turkey yesterday, the World Health Organisation validated it's 10 point memorandum encouraging sexual relations with a fruit.
The general consensus is to eradicate lonliness with alternate, safe and satisfying f...
A European plum shortage has hit manufacturers of Fruit Machines in the UK.
"The UK is the number one exporter of fruit machines, one arm bandits and the like," said Jason Orange, former member of Take That and owner of Fruit Inc. "We export to th...
Dentists across the UK are opposed to government measures to increase the so-called 5-a-day, and want the opposite.
"We need Britons to reduce to three a day, or even two a day," said Denby Twist of the Dorking Dentistry School. "The last thing we...
The conurbations of England may have seen its share of troubles of late, with hoards of the great unwanted roaming the shopping arcades and retail boulevards, on the look out for a free take home treat of a flat TV or DVD, but an altogether quieter r...
Mathematicians at Cambridge have cracked the secret code behind the flashing lights on Fruit Machines in pubs up and down the country, and the news is not good.
"To put it simply," said Nick Harvey, head of Prime Numbers at Cambridge, "the iterati...
Dear Sir,
I melon to you as one who wishes to draw the pomegranate of your readers to the grape of those who are forced to endure the banana called "fruit insertion coconut", by which they are tomato to substitute the starfruits of fruits for the actual mandarins they really want to apple.
As blackberry can no strawberry pineapple, this is a very apricot condition for both sufferers and thos...
In the words of a cockney. 'Cor blimey guv. Wo' the 'ell is i'?'
An aphrodisiac fruit by any other name would still look like an 'arse'. This is a wedding gift they have received whilst on honeymoon.
Surely this is a joke. The rare fruit had...
Parents who look to their children's school lunches as a source of nutrition can now rest easy, knowing that their Federal Government (through the Food and Drug Administration) has declared Kool-Aid to be a fruit. The beverage will count as a full se...
A decision has finally been made on how to dispose of the body of fitness guru Jack LaLanne following his death in January.
Two months on, and after complaints from the mortuary that the ageing corpse was beginning to "reek of rotten apples", Jac...
A recent survey carried out by Girl Play magazine has revealed a liking of fruit and vegetables as sex toys among sexually active and adventurous women.
"The most popular vegetable was the carrot," said magazine editor, Andrea Fuller. "Women repor...
Nutritionists working for the Government's Ministry of Health and Safety have announced that the current recommendation of five portions of fruit and veg a day is not enough and it should be raised to eight or nine a day.
"We have found that a dec...
A recent study from nutritionists at the University of Newcastle has shown that a cup of Blueberries every day stops senility in its tracks. Even a very small cup, say doll house sized.
Violet Beauregarde, who led the study, initially bred mice th...
In a novel twist on the mainland stories of banks held up by a banana, Turley's Greengrocers in Shanklin was held up on Tuesday by a man waving a menacing wad of cash.
"I was proper scared," said greengrover, Hurley Turley, 49 of Shanklin. "He cam...
The Church of England has ordained a lemon in a bid to make officiating at funerals easier. Whilst the move is unusual, the lemon is not thought to be the first fruit to be ordained by the church.
Bishop Ray Kiddiefiddler said "These days funerals...
Scientists working in a Florida laboratory have developed an extraordinary new fruit which may solve some of the famine problems suffered by millions of people in Africa each year.
The new fruit has been called a Kackermelon, and is a cross betwee...
Chinese Zionist Fruit subversion assaults Tehran citizens undermining homophobic Iranian family values. Citizens all over Tehran were made temporarily gay after eating Jaffa Sweetie's labelled as product of Israel.
A local fruit gobbler noticed...