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International Football Breaks To Be Scrapped After It's Discovered Fans Hate Them

Funny story: International Football Breaks To Be Scrapped After It's Discovered Fans Hate Them

International breaks, when all top-flight and Championship football is put on hold for two weeks because of upcoming national team fixtures, are to be scrapped, after it was discovered that supporters absolutely fucking hate them. The breaks were...

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David Batty Deserves England Send-Off, says Phil Neville

Funny story: David Batty Deserves England Send-Off, says Phil Neville

England Netball team boss Phil Neville was adamant yesterday that nobody should question David Batty's recall to the England football squad for the friendly against the USA. "I'm adamant that nobody should question David Batty's recall to the Engl...

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Football Gossip: Scotland, Mourinho, England, Usain Bolt

Funny story: Football Gossip: Scotland, Mourinho, England, Usain Bolt

Scotland head coach Alex McLeish urged his young players to show him they've "got a pair" against Israel on Thursday. After their shambolic defeat he apparently lined them all up in the dressing room and used calipers to measure their tackle before s...

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Football Gossip. September 2018

Funny story: Football Gossip. September 2018

Manchester United has denied that its fans created a crowd funding campaign to get manager Jose Mourinho jailed in Spain for tax fraud. United's executive vice-chairman Ed Woodward admitted that he had paid personally for an appeal to increase the so...

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Where are they now? Football hit singles

Funny story: Where are they now? Football hit singles

"We've made it to the first qualifying round of the Birmingham Spaghetti Junction All Comers' Floodlight trophy. I know, let's make a record." There was once a time when even the most mundane event in a football team's history would spawn a record release, but now thankfully it seems that these mind numbing ditties have died a death. Apparently it all started in the 1930s with Arsenal releas...

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The Secret England Footballer: World Cup Shambles, My Personal Roundup

Funny story: The Secret England Footballer: World Cup Shambles, My Personal Roundup

By the time you read this, I'll be back in Blighty doing the biz with the owner's daughter again. Just what I need and so does she. We'll be off to Ibiza for some pre-season R&R shortly. Well, never let it be said that I didn't do my best for...

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The Secret England Footballer: Croatia and Cretinous Decisions. I told you so.

Funny story: The Secret England Footballer: Croatia and Cretinous Decisions. I told you so.

You know I told you so. It's taken a day or two for me to get over my anger, but now I feel free to vent my spleen. Forget Gareth's M&S waistcoat, the penalty win over Columbia, slab head Maguire's goal, getting us to the semi-final and all th...

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England Still Have Everything To Play For

Funny story: England Still Have Everything To Play For

England manager Gareth Southgate knows that he has a tricky job on his hands to raise his troops for tomorrow's game with Belgium, but has buoyed them with the rallying call that: Everything is still to play for - except for the World Cup, that...

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Croatian Nationals Face Expulsion From UK In Wake Of England World Cup Defeat

Funny story: Croatian Nationals Face Expulsion From UK In Wake Of England World Cup Defeat

There was a strange lull and an eerie silence over the country on Thursday morning as England and its people tried to come to terms with the fact that the England football team were not going to win the World Cup. Again. Gareth Southgate's men wer...

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The Secret England Footballer: The Swedes and Me Looking Like a Turnip

Funny story: The Secret England Footballer: The Swedes and Me Looking Like a Turnip

"Lack of egos" in this England team is apparently what people are saying. "Esprit de corps" and lack of egos is exactly right and that's what's wrong with this team. Nobody has the balls to stand up to "Mr. Southgate" and tell him where he's going wr...

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The Secret England Footballer: Belgium Gone, Bring on Colombia

Funny story: The Secret England Footballer: Belgium Gone, Bring on Colombia

Well, I've been basking in the glorious defeat that was the Belgium match, just like the rest of the lads. One thing is spoiling it. No, that's not right...two things are spoiling it...no booze and no birds. I ask you. "Mr. Southgate" still wouldn't...

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Man's Terrifying Dreams Come True

Funny story: Man's Terrifying Dreams Come True

A man in Battambang awoke in a cold sweat this morning after a restless night during which he had several nightmares, but this was only the start of his torture, as the disturbing things he had experienced whilst asleep, began to reveal themselves as...

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Football-England Loses and Wins at the Same Time

Funny story: Football-England Loses and Wins at the Same Time

In a classic twist similar to the end of the film" Inception", the England team have simultaneously won and lost a match to Belgium. By losing to the pus-filled pimple on the face of the Earth that is Belgium, England have actually won an easier r...

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The Secret England Footballer: Bloody Hell, Panama 6-1

Funny story: The Secret England Footballer: Bloody Hell, Panama 6-1

Bloody hell I say and I'll say it again BLOODY HELL. A goal fest and where was I? I'll bloody well tell you, I was warming the effin bench again. It's every player's dream to play in a World Cup and as you know Brazil 2014 was a washout for me aft...

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England Trounces Panama after Surprise Goals

Funny story: England Trounces Panama after Surprise Goals

England surged to a 6-1 victory against Panama today in the most surprising and uplifting match so far in the World Cup. Harry Kane was so successful at scoring goals during the match that he actually scored a goal withour realising it and had to...

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England V Panama

A dominant display from England saw them trounce a hapless Panamanian side 6-1. Goals from Stones (2) Kane (3) and Lingard ensured England wrapped up their biggest win at a World Cup without breaking a sweat. Of course after this superb England...

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The Secret England Footballer: First Round Tunisia Yessssssssss!

Funny story: The Secret England Footballer: First Round Tunisia Yessssssssss!

Would you Adam and Eve it? We only bloody did it. We bloody won a match. Harry, you're not the wuss I've been saying you are (not to your face, obviously). Hats off to the Tottenham mumbler. I always knew you were class. There was one downer for m...

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The Secret England Footballer: Russia 2018 Repino base

Funny story: The Secret England Footballer: Russia 2018 Repino base

What a dump. I checked Tripadvisor before coming here and it's even worse then I thought. I'm in the middle of nowhere and there are less than 3,000 people here. Points of interest: Chapel of Saints Cosmas and Damian, you won't find me in there,...

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Breaking news…

Trump Says Democrats Should Thank Him for Being Such A Terrible President

...Because they never would've won the House by such a wide margin without him!
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