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Dorking Village news letter

Funny story: Dorking Village news letter

Edited by Lymington Spode. News: Mrs Hane from the Bacon Grinders Forum has been awarded "Sow of the year" yet again. Ardle Pitterfong has returned from the jungles of Borneo The interesting insect specimens he brought back with him are being removed at the hospital. Funeral Directors, Mardews of Dorking are offering a two for one special this month. Church Hall Events: March...

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Dorking man accidentally mixes up TV experts

Funny story: Dorking man accidentally mixes up TV experts

A local man from Dorking was facing humiliation in the town last night when it was discovered he accidentally mixed up TV experts ITV money saving expert Martin Lewis and Channel 4 property buying expert Phil whatshisname, the bloke who hangs around...

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Hurtful comments at the Dorking Dance Off

Funny story: Hurtful comments at the Dorking Dance Off

A massive argument has erupted at the annual Dorking Dance Off held at Dorking Town Hall. It started just after the tango as the Bollywood dancers came in while the ballet dancers waited for their turn. As heated looks were exchanged, the belly dance...

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The hunt is on for the last cat to appear on the internet

Funny story: The hunt is on for the last cat to appear on the internet

Amateur photographers and YouTube videographers are on the hunt for the only cat in the world not to have had it's photo taken or been videoed doing something cute and/or amusing. "We believe the cat is in the Dorking area," said Simon Ease, who i...

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Children's Swimming lessons cancelled - due to fire risk.

Funny story: Children's Swimming lessons cancelled - due to fire risk.

Lessons in swimming for children up to the age of eleven have been cancelled in Dorking after a local fire safety marshal deemed the Dorking Leisure Centre swimming baths unsafe, and a fire hazard. "It is impossible to get thirty children out of t...

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Never Mind Pippa's Ass, Get a Load of Kate's Tits!

Funny story: Never Mind Pippa's Ass, Get a Load of Kate's Tits!

Every year the town of Dorking plays host to a very special talent contest - Dorking's Pets Have Got Talent, is a contest to find some of the most talented pets in the Dorking area. Last year the top prize went to local girl Pippa Middleclass an...

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Metal thieves steal street furniture in Dorking

Funny story: Metal thieves steal street furniture in Dorking

Residents of London suburb, Dorking, awoke this morning to discover that thieves had stolen every last scrap of metal from the town. "They came in during the night," said police inspector, Devon Cumbria. "They've taken street lamps, park benches,...

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Skimpy bikinis banned by butch Olympic lesbians

Funny story: Skimpy bikinis banned by butch Olympic lesbians

Women's beach volleyball players have been advised not to wear tight fitting bikinis at the 2012 London Olympics. Athletes in the event have worn skimpy swimwear since the sport was introduced at the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta. Now the change has b...

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Clean Sweep For Police At Dorking Summer Festival

Funny story: Clean Sweep For Police At Dorking Summer Festival

Dorking Police's amateur hobbyists were celebrating yesterday after sweeping the board at the town's Annual Festival. The force's enthusiasts picked up the top gongs in contests for painting, photography, acting, gardening... you name it: if there...

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Euro 2012: FA to create Centre of Excellence for Penalty Taking in Dorking.

Funny story: Euro 2012: FA to create Centre of Excellence for Penalty Taking in Dorking.

Following England's defeat to Italy on penalties at Euro 2012, the Football Association have decided to spend millions of pounds on a new Centre of Excellence designed to make England penalty winners. Sir Trevor Frooking CBE (Cant Be Easy) announc...

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Dorking couple arrested after miscommunication

Funny story: Dorking couple arrested after miscommunication

Dorking couple, Doris and Harold Heinz have been arrested after a series of public indecency offences left them in hot water. "It all started when our new neighbours moved in," said Doris Heinz, 57, who has been bailed, pending trial. "We thought...

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Danny Dyer to Host Britain's Hardest Satire Writers

Funny story: Danny Dyer to Host Britain's Hardest Satire Writers

Cockney hard man Danny Dyer is to embark on his toughest mission yet: rolling with the tough guys of Britain's amateur satire writing scene, and it's going to get messy. The six episode series will begin Wednesday on Sky 3, sandwiched between Ross...

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England Have 0.000765% Chance Of Winning Euro 2012 Says Dorking Academic

Funny story: England Have 0.000765% Chance Of Winning Euro 2012 Says Dorking Academic

The England football team's chances of winning the Euro 2012 tournament have been rated as 0.000756% by a leading Dorking Professor, writes Sport, Fishing, Linoleum, Commercial Grass Cultivation, Wheelbarrow Design, Spats, Mathematics & Entertain...

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Dorking cross dresser makes it into the Guinness Book of Records

Funny story: Dorking cross dresser makes it into the Guinness Book of Records

Harvey Bristol, aka Cindy, has made it into the Guinness Book of Records by becoming the fastest cross dresser in the world, beating off stiff competition from regular winners of the Speed Cross Dressing contest from Thailand. This year's speed cr...

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Shuttlecock Row Divides Dorking Seat Of Learning

Funny story: Shuttlecock Row Divides Dorking Seat Of Learning

The University of Dorking has been rocked by a controversy that threatens to have major repercussions for one of its prestige Departments, writes Storm In A Teacup Correspondent, Will Slather. This controversy, which threatens major repercussions,...

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Dorking News: More (One, Actually) Letters To The Editor About History

Funny story: Dorking News: More (One, Actually) Letters To The Editor About History

Dear Sir, I am writing in the hope that any of your readership may have a care for our lost histories. You see, I live here in Broadwoodwidger and am researching the lives of our ancestor, Edwin Puley, who was a Cheesewright and Noddler, and indeed served his time in your very environment before ending his days as a Master Cheesewright and Chief Noddler back here in Devon. I visited your...

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Dorking woman calls mountain rescue after a handbag explosion

Funny story: Dorking woman calls mountain rescue after a handbag explosion

Mum of four, Matilda Entwistle, from Station Road in Dorking*, had to be rescued by three fire engines, fourteen police officers and the entire mountain rescue team from Snowdon, flown in especially on a coastguard Sea King helicopter (pictured).

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Dorking Publicist Hires Stately Home For Live Internet Streamed Wild Celebrity Sex Orgy - Nobody Shows Up

Funny story: Dorking Publicist Hires Stately Home For Live Internet Streamed Wild Celebrity Sex Orgy - Nobody Shows Up

Self styled Dorking based publicist, Damian Pinter, was left counting the cost today, as his latest ambitious project was judged to be little more than an abject failure. Pinter, a youthful, outgoing, 81 year old opportunist revealed that he had h...

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Breaking news…

National Park Service Rewrites Statue of Liberty Plaque

"Give me your strong, your rich, your workers yearning to breathe capitalism. Send no homeless, impoverished, or those seeking refuge from MS-13 to me. I want no trash to tarnish our golden door."
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