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Funny satire stories about Derrick Bird

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Funny story:  Police Close Off Northern England "Mad Zone"

Police Close Off Northern England "Mad Zone"

Access to Northern England has been cut today while police wait for all the mad people to calm down Only last week, the Council for Northern England announced last week that Cumbria and Northumbria are Britain's favourite locations for going insa...
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Funny story:  Was crazed Cumbria psycho Derrick Bird 'one of the rogue Bloody Sunday shooters'?

Was crazed Cumbria psycho Derrick Bird 'one of the rogue Bloody Sunday shooters'?

Northern Ireland - (Conspiracy Theory Mess): Was Cumbria wackjob Derrick Bird one of the original Bloody Sunday shooters investigated by the Saville Inquiry? "We'll probably never know," MoD mandarins muttered inscrutably as reporters besieged Whi...
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Funny story:  Crazed Cumbria copycat shooter at Brum's Custard Factory

Crazed Cumbria copycat shooter at Brum's Custard Factory

Birmingham - (Bang! Bang! Theory): Cops fear a Derrick Bird copycat shooter is behind the 1am gun rampage at Birmingham's Custard Factory nightclub. Four revellers were seriously injured when a lone gunman 'dressed as a taxi driver' burst through...
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Funny story:  Derrick Bird's Ghost Tries To Kill Casper The Friendly Ghost

Derrick Bird's Ghost Tries To Kill Casper The Friendly Ghost

Cumbrian Massacre nutter, Derrick Bird, is still up to his dirty tricks in Heaven. How he manged to gain entry to that exclusive location is still under investigation, but he has gone crazy again with a lightening bolt and tried to kill Casper the...
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Funny story:  Crossbow Cannibal Claims He Killed Cumbrian Loony Derrick Bird

Crossbow Cannibal Claims He Killed Cumbrian Loony Derrick Bird

'Crossbow Cannibal' Stephen Griffiths is so pissed off with the attention-grabbing Cumbrian massacre that he now claims that he in fact killed Derrick Bird and that Bird did not commit suicide. Griffiths, 40, a gay-looking man with a fetish for Ab...
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Funny story:  Israel Had Cumbria Shooter Derrick Bird on Assassination Hit list

Israel Had Cumbria Shooter Derrick Bird on Assassination Hit list

Cumbrian shooter Derrick Bird was on an Israeli assassination hit list, according to a man out walking his dog. When threatened with a large plywood board, the man told us that he heard from his old friend 'Shifty Sam' down at the 'Ol Nags Head Pu...
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Funny story:  Derrick Bird was the Smoke Monster

Derrick Bird was the Smoke Monster

Following further detailed investigations and snooping, Phoenix Joe can reveal that Birdy's obsession with the TV series Lost went deeper than most people imagined. Original theories suggested that Bird's disenchantment with the controversial end...
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Funny story:  Cumbria psycho Derrick Bird 'was KGB mole' in Sellafield nuke secrets theft fiasco

Cumbria psycho Derrick Bird 'was KGB mole' in Sellafield nuke secrets theft fiasco

Cumbria - (Mad Vlad Putin Mess): Secret papers seen this weekend show the Cumbrian massacre villain was previously an up-and-coming KGB spy. A Special Branch secret op however thwarted his ultimate mission goal of blowing up the UK's top nuclear p...
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Funny story:  Thai Government Issues Travel Warning for UK

Thai Government Issues Travel Warning for UK

Following the violent scenes of violence and fatal death in the North of England the Royal Thai Government has issued travel warnings for all Thai Citizens prohibiting travel to the UK and the particularly nasty Lake District. Phoenix Joe was th...
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Funny story:  Derrick Bird - the 'truth'

Derrick Bird - the 'truth'

Breaking news seems to indicate that Derrick Bird (the UK's latest in a long line of distinguished mass murderers) was driven to his shooting rampage not by petty annoyances like a family feud or fear of being hounded by the tax man. Your truth...
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Funny story:  OMG! Cumbria psycho 'is Queen's secret son'

OMG! Cumbria psycho 'is Queen's secret son'

Windsore - (Bastards Mess): Queen Elizabeth was still in hiding this morning as a DNA test showed deranged Cumbria psychopath Derrick Bird is really her bastard son. Fifty years of spooks' cover-ups, whitewashes and traditional obfuscation have fa...
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Funny story:  Murder Victims Not Always Nice People!

Murder Victims Not Always Nice People!

A secret report into the way details of news stories are 'massaged' to alter the public's perception of events, has fallen into the hands of this reporter - and, by Golly, do they make interesting reading! The report, which focuses on the Beeb Bro...
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Funny story:  Lamplugh killer Derrick Bird killed local estate agent

Lamplugh killer Derrick Bird killed local estate agent

Cumbria - (MDMA Mess): Detectives were today tracing the 'E'-shaped trail taken by deranged Cumbria cabbie Derrick Bird's path of carnage. Starting with the fatal shooting of twin brother David at High Trees farm in Lamplugh the rampaging killer...
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Funny story:  Derrick Bird Was Involved in Taxi Investigation

Derrick Bird Was Involved in Taxi Investigation

Gunman Derrick Bird, who slaughtered 12 people in a Cumbrian shooting spree was embroiled in a major investigation into an undeclared £60,000 taxi and was facing serious financial difficulties, a friend has said. The friend said today that he did...
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Funny story:  Gaza flotilla massacre 'may have gone to Derrick Bird's head'

Gaza flotilla massacre 'may have gone to Derrick Bird's head'

Cumbria - (OMG!): Did footage of last weekend's Israeli bloodbath raid on a Gaza aid flotilla trigger Cumbria's own horrendous carnage yesterday? Pals of deranged Whitehaven shooter Derrick Bird said today the 52 year-old cabbie had 'watched with...
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Funny story:  Charles hotfoots it to Cumbria in serendipitous PR bonanza

Charles hotfoots it to Cumbria in serendipitous PR bonanza

London - (Rotters): Prince Charles was reported to be heading to the Lake District this morning to shore up a much needed PR coup. Clarence House sources said today HRH's presence in the Whitehaven area could restore morale and boost public confid...
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Funny story:  Royal Freak Hospital boffin heads Bloodbath in Cumbria Inquiry

Royal Freak Hospital boffin heads Bloodbath in Cumbria Inquiry

Whitehaven, Cumbria - (Rioters): "Fare dodgers and stingy tippers, ya?" Prof Einstein Flinstone commented today as news of the Cumbrian cabbie's bloodbath rampage spread across the world. The eminent psychiatrist was airlifted from Yorkshire to le...
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Funny story:  Derrick Bird - Cumbrian Gun Rampage Sparks Media Mess

Derrick Bird - Cumbrian Gun Rampage Sparks Media Mess

Live report - Following another murderous gun rampage conducted by a gunman in Cumbria this lunchtime, which left so far 12 confirmed dead and 25 wounded, media coverage of the event is bound to prompt some hard questions. Our sources say that Der...
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True Facts From Snoops #1335

Snoops: The average number of toothpicks people swallow in their lifetime? Three. Mostly from laughing after dinner.

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