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Funny story: Plaster crisis averted - with porridge!

Plaster crisis averted - with porridge!

For the fifth year in a row, the UK is suffering from a plaster shortage. This is rendering render difficult and plastering over cracks impossible. "I blame those there DIY tele programmes," said Brad Grammar of B&G Plasterers in Bromwich. "Th...
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Funny story: Home Workshop Manual for 29 Tools: with users' advice

Home Workshop Manual for 29 Tools: with users' advice

To the uninitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of common tools and their uses, followed by some DIY tips: 1 Socket-Sets: A definitely much needed tool. You'll always lose the one you want to use, but the nearest width one can always b utilised to chew-up the bolts. 2 Drill Press: A ta...
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Funny story: Screwdrivers are the most dangerous tool

Screwdrivers are the most dangerous tool

In the national accident statistics, the humble screwdriver has come out tops of the most dangerous household tools wielded by inept morons. "You would have thought chainsaw, or power drill," said NAS Co-ordinator Nathan Tonal. "However, accidents...
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Funny story: Rose West To Publish New Cook Book

Rose West To Publish New Cook Book

Britain's most notorious female serial killer, Rose West, is reportedly about to publish a cookbook, according to a prison service source . West was sentenced to life in prison in 1995, having been convicted on ten counts of murder and various dodgy...
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Funny story: What's the matter with Mike Hunt?

What's the matter with Mike Hunt?

This is almost a real letter received at the DIY SOS team HQ. Dear DIY SOS, I hope you can help me. My name is Jane Hunt and I have a useless husband called Mike. I have a really simple job that desperately needs doing and I'm afraid that my man is not quite up to the task. Therefore I need your help. Almost a year ago I purchased a nice bedroom dresser from MFI during their closing down...
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Funny story: DIY SOS Show not aired after legal wrangle

DIY SOS Show not aired after legal wrangle

A misunderstanding between designer Julia Kendell and the Durham family in Milton Keynes has resulted in the show not being aired. The DIY SOS team were called in to do their usual redecoration special for the Durham family, after learning that th...
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Funny story: Power Drill Voted UK's Most Popular DIY Tool

Power Drill Voted UK's Most Popular DIY Tool

In a survey conducted exclusively for 'Toolshed Magazine' to find Britain's most popular DIY tool, the power drill emerged victorious for the tenth year running. It seems that the British are conducting a lasting love affair with power drills, mor...
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Funny story: Shocking: Search Party Sent Out For Nick Knowles

Shocking: Search Party Sent Out For Nick Knowles

A search party was despatched late last night for the TV celebrity Nick Knowles. The DIY SOS star has not been seen on television for over two days, prompting fans and TV execs alike, to assume something must be wrong. Ever present with his rou...
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Funny story: Ingenious: Local Man Bathroom Tiles House Roof

Ingenious: Local Man Bathroom Tiles House Roof

An Oxfordshire man has been classed as an idiot and a genius, all in one week. Barry Ireland, 37, had taken advice from a surveyor who had told him his roof needed re-tiling on his house in Bampton, Oxfordshire. After contacting several contrac...
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Funny story: Cash strapped BBC to scale back programmes

Cash strapped BBC to scale back programmes

The BBC has suffered as much as any other business over the past couple of years. Programmes such as Doctor Who have sucked up most of the budget, meaning that the BBC are looking for cheaper programmes to fill the schedules. "We've noticed that c...
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Funny story: Lock in at No.10?

Lock in at No.10?

Mystery surrounds Gordon Brown's early trip to B & Q this morning. Mr Brown left before 8am. returning with hammer, nails and a bundle of planks. Observers say that for the next hour banging and swearing was heard from inside the premises and...
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Funny story: DIY used as terrorist torture

DIY used as terrorist torture

MI5 have come under scrutiny today as it has emerged the secret service have been using the threat of making people complete DIY tasks as part of their interrogation process. The story came to light due to the claim of a yet undisclosed source rec...
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Funny story: Village launches DIY broadband

Village launches DIY broadband

A UK village which raised £37,000 to offer 200 homes the super-fast connectivity that BT could not deliver, has launched its network. Spudland Telecom will offer the residents of Flyddington speeds of up to 2 carrier pigeons per hour. Other teleco...
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Funny story: Sharp Upturn in DIY Sector Lifts Retail Hopes

Sharp Upturn in DIY Sector Lifts Retail Hopes

The markets have been encouraged today following a sharp upturn in retail hardware sales reported by B&Q and Homebase. A spokesman for the retail consortium BodgitFixit Group reported that since last Monday, when the Daily Telegraph began rele...
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Funny story: Hugh Jackman to have tool named after him

Hugh Jackman to have tool named after him

Byron Bay, Aus - CEO of a prominent chain of hardware stores has announced actor and star of Wolverine, Hugh Jackman, is to have a brand new tool named after him. The Hugh Jackman is a brand new, previously unnamed tool, which looks like a cross b...
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Funny story: Back Garden Swimming Pools: How To Make One

Back Garden Swimming Pools: How To Make One

The popular 'How To Make One' series continues now, with a look at something 9 out of every 10 Americans have, and 97 out of every 100 Australians have - a swimming pool in the back garden! Most people in Britain will be unfamiliar with the concept of having a pool in their garden; almost all will, however, have visited their local swimming baths for a swim, and to enjoy the experience of havin...
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Funny story: Results of the "Name B&Q" competition

Results of the "Name B&Q" competition

For years, people have wondered what DIY superstore B&Q's initials stood for. After a variety of suggestions, such as Block and Quail and Been and Queued, Euan Sutherland admitted during his appointment speech that it does not actually stand for...
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Funny story: DIY Chain Land NASA Contract

DIY Chain Land NASA Contract

DIY chain B&Q has been handed a contract believed to be worth $3.5bn to supply around 100 pots of their own brand tile grouting following problems with space shuttle insulation coming away on take-off. The next scheduled scheduled flight was t...
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Breaking News...

Banks will close even earlier on Shortest Day

Banks already close too early for most people's convenience. They will close at 11 am, on the shortest day, this year 'because we can 'says Exec.
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