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Funny satire stories about Bartholomew Utterswaithe

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New Road-Building scheme to be financed by Road-Toll fees

Funny story: New Road-Building scheme to be financed by Road-Toll fees

David Cameron has given his backing to a new Road-Building scheme to be financed by Road Toll fees. This is part of the Coalitions refreshed programme for government. A feasibility study produced by the DfT (Department for Transport) is being formulated as announced by Chancellor George Osborne in his December Statement. Our Political reporter Bartholomew Utterswaithe, just back from his on...

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Concern that UK MPs expense fiddling has not gone away

Funny story: Concern that UK MPs expense fiddling has not gone away

MP David Crausby, 66, claims £1,823-a-month rent to live in London. He has demanded £33,000 in two years. Bolton's MP earns £65,738, and paid £51,620 off his mortgage through the old MPs expenses system. His Westminster flat cost him £285,000 i...

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Lecture in Nottingham by Prof. Grimesworthy

Funny story: Lecture in Nottingham by Prof. Grimesworthy

'We must ensure a future for our children' Nottingham University's Professor Grimesworthy Ph.D gave a speech to the Muggedanddrugged Lane Community Association last week in Nottingham. He arrived at the centre, parked up his Range Rover, posed for the press photographs, and entered the shed. He was welcomed at the 15 seated Le Grand meeting hall at the side of the disused and fire-bombed...

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Verbal sounds emanating from Bartholomew Utterswaithe's bedroom?

Funny story: Verbal sounds emanating from Bartholomew Utterswaithe's bedroom?

Nottingham's Senior Citizen Bartholomew Utterswaithe's, was heard in his bedroom this morning. The verbal sounds that emanated from that room, were weird, hard to describe and lasted for a good two minutes or so. I will attempt here to reproduce them in written form, for I would like to know exactly what it was he was doing, and thought someone might be able to inform me. I, incidentally...

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50 Things Bartholomew Utterswaithe would do if he ruled the World

Funny story: 50 Things Bartholomew Utterswaithe would do if he ruled the World

I, Bartholomew Utterswaithe declare that in the event of my ruling the world, I would carry out the following 50 actions with haste, rapidity, and determination, for the betterment of mankind: 1) I would liquidate money from existence - every thing would be free. 2) I would ban impecuniousness, by ridding the world of those pathetic mongrels who suffer this fate, and feed the bodies (baked...

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Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterswaithe Part 4

Funny story: Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterswaithe Part 4

This article, was designed by the effervescent, disconsolate, decrepit, depressed Bartholomew Utterwaithe (66), to offer help, support, succour and advice to those of the population who are entering their 60's - in an effort to lessen the culture-shock suffered by many, when they also get made redundant at 62 years of age, then suffer heart failure, loneliness, depression, and being overcharged fo...

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Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterswaithe Part 3

Funny story: Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterswaithe Part 3

This article, was designed by the effervescent, disconsolate, decrepit, depressed Bartholomew Utterwaithe (66), to offer help, support, succour and advice to those of the population who are entering their 60's - in an effort to lessen the culture-shock suffered by many, when they also get made redundant at 62 years of age, then suffer heart failure, loneliness, depression, and being overcharged fo...

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Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterswaithe Part 2

Funny story: Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterswaithe Part 2

This article, was designed by the effervescent, disconsolate, decrepit, depressed Bartholomew Utterwaithe (66), to offer help, support, succour and advice to those of the population who are entering their 60's - in an effort to lessen the culture-shock suffered by many, when they also get made redundant at 62 years of age, then suffer heart failure, loneliness, depression, and being overcharged fo...

Read full story View 'Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterswaithe Part 2'

Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterwaithe

Funny story: Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterwaithe

This article, was designed by Bartholomew Utterwaithe (66), to offer help, support, succour and advice to those of the population who are entering their 60's - in an effort to lessen the culture-shock suffered by many, when they also get made redundant at 62 years of age, then suffer heart failure. It is not intended as a solution for the those who are about to lose their concentration, bladder...

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Liverpool sack Kenny Dalglish!

Funny story: Liverpool sack Kenny Dalglish!

Liverpool have sacked Kenny Dalglish after his failure to finish in the top four of the Premier League. Kenny Dalglish's second coming as Liverpool manager is over after he paid the price for failing to compete for a Champions League place. The...

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Bartholomew Utterswaithe: I miss my daily walk into Nottingham!

Funny story: Bartholomew Utterswaithe: I miss my daily walk into Nottingham!

Bartholomew Utterswaithe, our 65 year old Nottingham correspondent and unemployed Gas Street lamp wick trimmer, found himself housebound the other day. Partly due to his arthritis, losing his free-bus-pass, the flapping holed sole of of his right shoe, and the lousy wet weather. He was straining a thrice-used Asda tea bag, and thought about what he might be missing on his cancelled wonderful...

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Health Minister Andrew Lansley classifies 'Binge Spoofing' as a Mental Personality Disorder!

Funny story: Health Minister Andrew Lansley classifies 'Binge Spoofing' as a Mental Personality Disorder!

Bartholomew Utterswaithe (65), a former Street Gas Lamp Wick-trimmer, lighter, and extinguisher from Nottingham, is the first person to be officially graded/classified as a 'Binge Spoofer' by the NHS. We visited Mr Utterswaithe's GP, a very pretty...

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Bartholomew Utterswaithe Interview: Teenagers & Web Porn

Funny story: Bartholomew Utterswaithe Interview: Teenagers & Web Porn

26th April 2012 The Nottingham Pickpocket Supplement The Bartholomew Utterswaithe Column This week, I've been out on the streets of Nottingham, to get peoples views about: Should teenagers be stopped from looking at porn on the web? A matter of great concern for many parents and shoplifters locally. The first person I interviewed, as he came out from the Deltalove Adult Shop, at 147...

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Breaking news…

Trump Jr. Says That He Always Wanted to Be Separated From His Parents

That's why he can't understand the consternation at the border with kids being taken from parents.
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