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Funny satire stories about Bartholomew Utterswaithe

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Funny story: Concern that UK MPs expense fiddling has not gone away

Concern that UK MPs expense fiddling has not gone away

MP David Crausby, 66, claims £1,823-a-month rent to live in London. He has demanded £33,000 in two years. Bolton's MP earns £65,738, and paid £51,620 off his mortgage through the old MPs expenses system. His Westminster flat cost him £285,000 i...
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Funny story: Lecture in Nottingham by Prof. Grimesworthy

Lecture in Nottingham by Prof. Grimesworthy

'We must ensure a future for our children' Nottingham University's Professor Grimesworthy Ph.D gave a speech to the Muggedanddrugged Lane Community Association last week in Nottingham. He arrived at the centre, parked up his Range Rover, posed for the press photographs, and entered the shed. He was welcomed at the 15 seated Le Grand meeting hall at the side of the disused and fire-bombed...
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Funny story: Verbal sounds emanating from Bartholomew Utterswaithe's bedroom?

Verbal sounds emanating from Bartholomew Utterswaithe's bedroom?

Nottingham's Senior Citizen Bartholomew Utterswaithe's, was heard in his bedroom this morning. The verbal sounds that emanated from that room, were weird, hard to describe and lasted for a good two minutes or so. I will attempt here to reproduce them in written form, for I would like to know exactly what it was he was doing, and thought someone might be able to inform me. I, incidentally...
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Funny story: 50 Things Bartholomew Utterswaithe would do if he ruled the World

50 Things Bartholomew Utterswaithe would do if he ruled the World

I, Bartholomew Utterswaithe declare that in the event of my ruling the world, I would carry out the following 50 actions with haste, rapidity, and determination, for the betterment of mankind: 1) I would liquidate money from existence - every thing would be free. 2) I would ban impecuniousness, by ridding the world of those pathetic mongrels who suffer this fate, and feed the bodies (baked...
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Funny story: Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterswaithe Part 4

Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterswaithe Part 4

This article, was designed by the effervescent, disconsolate, decrepit, depressed Bartholomew Utterwaithe (66), to offer help, support, succour and advice to those of the population who are entering their 60's - in an effort to lessen the culture-shock suffered by many, when they also get made redundant at 62 years of age, then suffer heart failure, loneliness, depression, and being overcharged fo...
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Funny story: Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterswaithe Part 3

Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterswaithe Part 3

This article, was designed by the effervescent, disconsolate, decrepit, depressed Bartholomew Utterwaithe (66), to offer help, support, succour and advice to those of the population who are entering their 60's - in an effort to lessen the culture-shock suffered by many, when they also get made redundant at 62 years of age, then suffer heart failure, loneliness, depression, and being overcharged fo...
View 'Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterswaithe Part 3'
Funny story: Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterswaithe Part 2

Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterswaithe Part 2

This article, was designed by the effervescent, disconsolate, decrepit, depressed Bartholomew Utterwaithe (66), to offer help, support, succour and advice to those of the population who are entering their 60's - in an effort to lessen the culture-shock suffered by many, when they also get made redundant at 62 years of age, then suffer heart failure, loneliness, depression, and being overcharged fo...
View 'Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterswaithe Part 2'
Funny story: Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterwaithe

Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterwaithe

This article, was designed by Bartholomew Utterwaithe (66), to offer help, support, succour and advice to those of the population who are entering their 60's - in an effort to lessen the culture-shock suffered by many, when they also get made redundant at 62 years of age, then suffer heart failure. It is not intended as a solution for the those who are about to lose their concentration, bladder...
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Funny story: Liverpool sack Kenny Dalglish!

Liverpool sack Kenny Dalglish!

Liverpool have sacked Kenny Dalglish after his failure to finish in the top four of the Premier League. Kenny Dalglish's second coming as Liverpool manager is over after he paid the price for failing to compete for a Champions League place. The...
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Funny story: Bartholomew Utterswaithe: I miss my daily walk into Nottingham!

Bartholomew Utterswaithe: I miss my daily walk into Nottingham!

Bartholomew Utterswaithe, our 65 year old Nottingham correspondent and unemployed Gas Street lamp wick trimmer, found himself housebound the other day. Partly due to his arthritis, losing his free-bus-pass, the flapping holed sole of of his right shoe, and the lousy wet weather. He was straining a thrice-used Asda tea bag, and thought about what he might be missing on his cancelled wonderful...
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Funny story: Health Minister Andrew Lansley classifies 'Binge Spoofing' as a Mental Personality Disorder!

Health Minister Andrew Lansley classifies 'Binge Spoofing' as a Mental Personality Disorder!

Bartholomew Utterswaithe (65), a former Street Gas Lamp Wick-trimmer, lighter, and extinguisher from Nottingham, is the first person to be officially graded/classified as a 'Binge Spoofer' by the NHS. We visited Mr Utterswaithe's GP, a very pretty...
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Funny story: Bartholomew Utterswaithe Interview: Teenagers & Web Porn

Bartholomew Utterswaithe Interview: Teenagers & Web Porn

26th April 2012 The Nottingham Pickpocket Supplement The Bartholomew Utterswaithe Column This week, I've been out on the streets of Nottingham, to get peoples views about: Should teenagers be stopped from looking at porn on the web? A matter of great concern for many parents and shoplifters locally. The first person I interviewed, as he came out from the Deltalove Adult Shop, at 147...
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Justin Bieber and North Korean Leader On Same Fantasy Basketball Site

Pop star Justin Bieber and North Korean despot Kim Jong Un are both on the same fantasy basketball website, battling it out in cyberspace over the comic collection Kim says Justin ripped him off on.

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