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Funny satire stories about Alcohol

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Man Decides to Quit Drinking After Company Party

After becoming cognitively confused, pissing in his pants, throwing up all over the place, and saying things to his co-workers that he couldn't remember the next day, local Iowa man, Richard Head, has finally decided to quit drinking. "It just...

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Tennessee Man Meets Jesus With Whiskey on His Breath

Funny story: Tennessee Man Meets Jesus With Whiskey on His Breath

Tennessee man Joshua Hendricks recently met his Maker – albeit for only about ninety seconds – with whiskey on his breath. “It wasn't exactly how I wanted it to happen,” admitted Hendricks, who fell into a coma as a result of alcohol poisoning but...

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1 drink a day shortens your life claim UK scientists, BULLSHIT! Lets all BURP together!

Funny story: 1 drink a day shortens your life claim UK scientists, BULLSHIT! Lets all BURP together!

The age old discussion of booze and health refuses to go away as scientists have come up with yet another threat to our lives; apart from dropping out of a plane, being hit by East European trucks, crossing the road generally, and falling in the bath, among millions of other reasons why our lives could be shortened! Well Jaggedone sent his CIA (Cockroach Infiltration Army) star, piss-artist rep...

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Brit boozer goes on world's longest pub crawl; BURP!

Funny story: Brit boozer goes on world's longest pub crawl; BURP!

Travel Channel's 'Booze Traveler' has nothing on this lover of anything alcoholic; a Brit Boozer called, Ben Le-Burper (name changed for legal reasons), determined to find the most northern and southern boozing waterholes on the planet, started crawl...

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Skies Rain Brandy After Fires Raze California Wine Country

Funny story: Skies Rain Brandy After Fires Raze California Wine Country

Homeowners from Las Vodkas, Nevada to Boozeman, Montana have been pleasantly surprised to discover their rain barrels brimming over with a libation not unlike VSOP Cognac after recent storms coming in from the west. "It should really come as no su...

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Hillary and Bill Clinton have a heart-to-heart talk over vino fino and java

Funny story: Hillary and Bill Clinton have a heart-to-heart talk over vino fino and java

"Oh waiter, waiter, get me another glass of wine." Hillary Clinton smiled at the handsome young waiter, who was also the bartender at Taste of France in a suburb of Flint, Mich., and then scowled at her significant other. Bill Clinton was slumped...

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Jacko and Feducious T. are on a trek to grab ahold of the 'world's perfect beer glass'

Funny story: Jacko and Feducious T. are on a trek to grab ahold of the 'world's perfect beer glass'

My friend and neighbor Jacko and my old English Comp teacher Feducious T. Flynt stopped by the other day and informed me they were on a sojourn for what they considered to be the quest for the holy grail. "We're taking a road trip, then we'll be t...

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Water Waste Of Time

Funny story: Water Waste Of Time

One thing you can always rely on with BATTL News is that we will eventually come back with something irrelevant and pointless just when you thought we'd finally buggered off. Yet after discovering that a "Water Only Bar" was to open in London we k...

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Excessive alcohol consumption now compulsory in Australia

A new law which became effective today makes it compulsory for all Australian adults to consume more alcohol. All adult citizens must now drink at least two litres of alcohol per day. The quota can be made up through the consumption of alcohol drinks...

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Spinny McGintz's Guide to Completing AA 12-Step Program in 1 Day

Funny story: Spinny McGintz's Guide to Completing AA 12-Step Program in 1 Day

Yo everybody! It's me, your good friend Spinny McGintz. I'm here to help everyone succeed in completing AA's 12 Step program in only 1 day. AA, for those who don't know, is something about alcohol, so if you don't drink a lot of alcohol or haven't been arrested for a DWI and been ordered by some asshole judge to attend AA, you've probably never heard of it. Yeah, yeah, I got caught while d...

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Revised UK Department Of Health Guidance On Alcohol Consumption Meets With Widespread Anger And Criticism

Funny story: Revised UK Department Of Health Guidance On Alcohol Consumption Meets With Widespread Anger And Criticism

Revised UK Department of Health guidance on alcohol consumption has met with widespread anger and criticism. 'Government cuts have now gone too far,' said John Smith, a typical British drinker. 'First they reduce spending on essential public servi...

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The Case Against Recreation - Part 3: Diner, Drinks, and Dancing

Funny story: The Case Against Recreation - Part 3: Diner, Drinks, and Dancing

Dinner, Drinks and Dancing This entertainment combo frequently goes together as a dating package. The way it works is like this: The couple knows the routine, they want to have fun but to do it right they need to follow a standard procedure that they can count on. The Three Ds have been a reliable strategy for generations as a ritualistic part of the traditional game playing involv...

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Boyfriend knows girlfriend is exactly one glass of wine away from falling asleep on couch

Funny story: Boyfriend knows girlfriend is exactly one glass of wine away from falling asleep on couch

Charlie Barlow reported with confidence on Saturday night that his girlfriend Stacey Cunnings was just one glass of wine away from passing out on the couch and leaving him in peace to go on his laptop the rest of the night and have some "me" time.

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Queen Mother Beat Me Every Day - Royal Memoirs Book Sensation

Funny story: Queen Mother Beat Me Every Day - Royal Memoirs Book Sensation

An ex-kitchen servant has told of daily beatings by the gin soaked Queen mother at Balmoral, the Royal Family's private super palace. The maid, Eileen Over is writing the story of her traumatic time as a kitchen maid at the Scottish palace. Beatin...

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Being sober now classed as legitimate fundraising event

Funny story: Being sober now classed as legitimate fundraising event

The act of not drinking for 31 days has now been officially recognised as the most gruelling charity sponsorship activity in the world today, it has emerged. Emma Thorpe, spokesman for the 'Stoptober' movement said "It used to be enough to train r...

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Becks - A Review

Funny story: Becks - A Review

After been told repeatedly by various editors/people in the street to "report on important things" and "why don't you get an actual job" we decided to knuckle down and do some real reporting. By that we meant we bought some Becks and reviewed the shit out of what is a great smooth beverage. In the hope that Mr Becks will see this humble review/tribute and pay us handsomely for it, we have sent...

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Sarah Palin Denies Family Was Involved In a Drunken Brawl

Funny story: Sarah Palin Denies Family Was Involved In a Drunken Brawl

Wasilla, Alaska Former Alaska governor and Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin denied reports that her whole family was involved in a drunken brawl over the weekend; a brawl that the police had to be called in to break up. "My whole...

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Huge Investment As Welsh Water Supplied To London Is To Contain Ice And Lemon

Funny story: Huge Investment As Welsh Water Supplied To London Is To Contain Ice And Lemon

Investors are clamouring to buy shares in Welsh Mixers P.L.C as news broke yesterday that gigantic Welsh reservoirs containing ice and lemon are to be commissioned in Snowdonia. An open "aquaduct" system will be built to supply London's Hoorah H...

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Breaking news…

Trump Jr. Says That He Always Wanted to Be Separated From His Parents

That's why he can't understand the consternation at the border with kids being taken from parents.
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