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Funny story:  Auntie Jean advises Eric Shun - on holiday in Wales

Auntie Jean advises Eric Shun - on holiday in Wales

Eric Shun asks Auntie Jean::Auntie Jean, I have accidentally come on holiday to Wales by getting on the wrong train. Is there anything I can do to stop clinical depression setting in? Auntie Jean answers:Eric, 1) Be optimistic, try to think that something will turn up. 2) Add up all the little joyful things that happen to you during the day. For example, there was no traffic on the road, you...
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Funny story:  Auntie Jean advises Mr. Completely whose arse is superglued to a toilet seat in McDonalds

Auntie Jean advises Mr. Completely whose arse is superglued to a toilet seat in McDonalds

Mr. Completely asks: Dear Auntie Jean, I am trapped in a McDonalds toilet in Liverpool with my arse well and truly superglued to the porcelain W.C. Someone spread the glue all over the W.C. and like a fool I just sat down on it. I am permanently welded to the toilet bowl now and what's worse is that there's no door on the cubicle and I nipped into the women's loo as the men's was full.
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Funny story:  Auntie Jean Advises - Mike Rotchburns from Bell End

Auntie Jean Advises - Mike Rotchburns from Bell End

Mike Rotchburns asks: Dear Auntie Jean, I am a very heavy drinker and each day consume about twenty pints of bitter. I enjoy this and as my wife knew of my hobby when we met, she puts up with a lot from me really, but I also do the same with her. Last night I staggered, singing loudly, up the drive and stumbled through the door, like you do, was sick on the carpet and stumbled up to bed.
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Funny story:  Answers to correspondents

Answers to correspondents

Q. Sir. In the 1966 World Cup final, Helmut Haller put West Germany ahead after 12 minutes. I noticed that in an episode of Fawlty Towers, Basil, with a bandage on his head is being rude to a table of very pleasant mannered Germans. On the credits I noticed the name of Helmut Haller. Is this the same Helmut Haller who scored the goal for West Germany? Colonel Blink (Chipping Norton).
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Funny story:  Auntie Jean Advises - Barry McCociner from Grinstead

Auntie Jean Advises - Barry McCociner from Grinstead

Barry McCociner asks: Auntie Jean: I have recently discovered secret messages on Tomato Sauce bottle labels. These messages form part of a code which, when you take the 3rd letter of each word and assemble the whole string of letters and reverse them, reveal top secret instructions about preparing a landing site for the forthcoming invasion of earth by aliens from the planet Zod. I...
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Funny story:  Auntie Jean Advises - Cantsia Weiner from Glasgow

Auntie Jean Advises - Cantsia Weiner from Glasgow

Transgender Op Reversal Auntie Jean: I have had a sex change using guidance from a DIY website. After sending a Western Union transfer to Asomal Ian Pyreat purportedly in Nigeria. a photocopy of two pages from Greys Anatomy, a boxcutter, a blowtorch and a mini tube of superglue arrived. I followed the instructions but next door's dog ran away with my testicles. I have changed my mind now.
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Funny story:  Auntie Jean Advises - Boy John from Bradford

Auntie Jean Advises - Boy John from Bradford

Auntie Jean Advises - Boy John from Bradford Auntie Jean, I am a student aged 21. Recently I went on a hiking trip in Peru. I was with a party of fellow students raising money for the student bar at Bradford University. The trip went well even including a once in a lifetime climb to explore Machu Picchu. We camped in our portable tents at night and at the end of the trek usually went swimmin...
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Funny story:  Auntie Jean Advises - Hugh Jarce from Liverpool

Auntie Jean Advises - Hugh Jarce from Liverpool

Auntie Jean, I have a personal problem which I can hardly bring myself to mention. I'm afraid to admit that when short of money recently I did the unthinkable and went down to the Docks area to try to earn some money. I knew that the means of earning cash for services rendered was still available, and that my advancing years may work against my ambitions. So I made my way to the sperm donat...
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Funny story:  Auntie Jean Advises - Dick Athlon from London

Auntie Jean Advises - Dick Athlon from London

Dick Athlon asks Auntie Jean: Auntie Jean, I am a British Spy and I am trapped in a padlocked sports bag. I was having a bath while locked in my diplomatic bag as usual. The apartment steward unexpectedly came into my flat and took the bag (with me inside it) to Heathrow airport. I think I am in the luggage hold of a plane in mid flight. My phone battery is almost depleted. On looking...
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Funny story:  Auntie Jean Advises - Convincing from Slough

Auntie Jean Advises - Convincing from Slough

Can I tell if she's a Ladyboy? "Convincing" asks Auntie Jean's Advice: Auntie Jean, just lately I have been "misled" by a series of very authentic looking Ladyboys. Sometimes they meet me socially and it's a kiss goodnight afterwards and a tops fondle and tongues. A few days afterwards, another drink and meal and its a handjob and tops. It can take a week or so of wasted time and money be...
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Funny story:  Auntie Jean Advises - Gaffa Tape from Wigan

Auntie Jean Advises - Gaffa Tape from Wigan

Gaffa Tape asks: Dear Auntie Jean, Is a distinguished gentleman shafting my wife or is my wife a closet lesbian? I have been married for 3 years and was recently putting her underwear back in the drawers after my regular afternoon's trannying when I noticed some men's shirts in the bottom of the drawer. Underneath the shirts were a pipe and tobacco and an assortment of theatrical beards.
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Funny story:  Rocko's Perspective - When They Knock On Your Door...

Rocko's Perspective - When They Knock On Your Door...

Here at Rocko's Perspective, we keep finding solutions to everyone's problem. But 25.0765% of the letters I receive have a common problem -- they knock on your door and scare you with fire and brimstone. Yes, you know where I'm heading. They might be annoying at times, to the point of throwing the Panzer Kitchenware Anti-Gravity Pots and Pans at them. Well, that might shoo them away, but they'l...
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Funny story:  Rocko's Perspective - Thou shalt not suffer a "what?" to live.

Rocko's Perspective - Thou shalt not suffer a "what?" to live.

Hear ye, hear ye! We received another letter from a curious lady, who is curious on what shall not be suffered to live. Here's her letter: Dear Rocko, I had a breakup with my boyfriend because he told me that I don't deserve to live. He keeps slapping me with some quotes from his Bible just because I am not going to Topeka, Kansas with him. He's planning to join the "cult" called "Westboro B...
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Funny story:  Dear Abby's Last Words: Advises Everyone To "Go Fuck Themselves."

Dear Abby's Last Words: Advises Everyone To "Go Fuck Themselves."

MINNEAPOLIS, MN-In a shocking turn of events ailing Dear Abby advice columnist Pauline Phillips shelved her customary charm by issuing a final declaration for her readers to "go fuck themselves." "I've always looked to her column for quaint life a...
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Funny story:  Dear Abby "Ghost" Puzzles Minneapolis Area

Dear Abby "Ghost" Puzzles Minneapolis Area

(AP) Minneapolis- In a surprise development, an apparition described by many as the "ghost of Dear Abby" has been visiting dozens of Minneapolis homes giving unwanted advice. Pauline Phillips, better known to millions of newspaper readers for deca...
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Funny story:  Dear Rocko - My Neighbor's Annoying

Dear Rocko - My Neighbor's Annoying

Dear Rocko, Just call me Sabrina, from Saffron City, Kanto. I have a neighbor who annoys me by leaving pamphlets and Chick tracts at my doors and windows. This neighbor just moved from Westboro, and I don't know if I let my Alakazam use a Pokemon move on that guy because doing it violates my beliefs. I already reported this to the police station, but this still keeps on going. I need advice. Bl...
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Funny story:  Your Problem Page With Robert Pattinson The Geordie Horse

Your Problem Page With Robert Pattinson The Geordie Horse

Robert Pattinson The Geordie Horse was voted Number One Problem-Solving Equine in a Gallop Poll Dear Robert, I am a kleptomaniac. My flat is like Aladdin's Cave. I have just come back from town with three lampshades, an electric blanket and a pork pie hat. I can hardly move for contraband. What can I do? Jim Carner Goodwood Robert Pattinson writes: Neigh, neigh, hinny. Thoo's saddle...
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Funny story:  More From The Problem Page

More From The Problem Page

With This Week's Guest Editor: 20th Century Philosopher Of Being Martin Heidegger (James Corden says: "Top man! Being all over the media like a rash is so stressing. Jack Black introduced me to Heidegger's 'Ɯberwindung der Metaphysik' on the set of Gulliver's Travels: it's the perfect way to touch base after a hard day feeding my already-bloated ego." Dear Martin, as a mature man, it is...
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