Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,
I read your recent story about Dr. Ollie and Dr. Buddy, the chimpanzee Plastic Surgeon team who successfully altered the facial features of Mr. St. James Davis so that he now resembles a zombie. Needless to say, I was fascinated by your account. I have some questions about their procedures:
1. Why did Mr. Davis request that the operation take place during his son's bi...
Robert Pattinson The Geordie Horse was voted Number One Nag For Problem-Solving in a new Gallop Poll
I am a lesbian and my wife doesn't love me any more. I have tried everything to get back in her good books. I have even started doing DIY, and had my hair cropped, but she isn't impressed. She has got a new butch personal trainer and is spending a lot of time with her. What c...
Q. Whatever happened to hatpins and pocket pistols? In days past, pussy-pinchers could expect to be pinned to death or given a lethal dose of 'lead poisoning' for the act our President describes so cavalierly. How would we men feel about Nut Grabbing?
- Den from Colorado
A. Dear Den:
Personally, I am opposed to Nut-Grabbing (I believe that it is meant to be hyphenated).
Dear Dr. Phil,
I'm engaged to a fairly powerful and influential man, Ivan, who lives overseas. We've been in a difficult relationship for many years now. During that time, Ivan has made many speeches in which he calls for "death to monogamy" and claims it's his divine right to "bag as many babes" as possible. He frequently calls me the "great Satan" and says I should be exterminated along wi...
Auntie Jean, On the T.V. programmes; "Hotel Inspector" and "How Clean is Your House", I have often seen the presenters, AIexi Poliizei and Aggie McKensit remove feral pubic hairs from beds, showers and baths etc. with tweezers and put them into plastic bags. The sound on my T.V. does not work, so I have long presumed that presenters such as AIexi Poliizei are collectors of pubic hairs. Co-...
QUESTION Recently my wife attended a hen party on the Isle of Wight. After several drinks she began a game with another woman on the pub snooker table. She claims to have had a break of 155. Is this possible?
Additionally she then went on to play darts and claims to have achieved a nine dart finish, whatever that was.
Mr. Nick Swarzkopf
ANSWER Hello Nick. Regarding the snooker, your wif...
Auntie, I have received my D.A.B. 3D digital radio from the internet which arrived on a low loader this morning. I would appreciate a little help with tuning it as the instructions are inadequately translated from Mandarin Chinese. It has what it describes as a 2.3 metre plasma screen.
I had to cut a hole in my trailer park home to get it in. It keeps blowing the park substatio...
Les Brains Asks:
Auntie Jean, I was dropped on my head by the midwife as a baby and consequently cannot make any decisions and have no moral fibre. I can't tell right from wrong , am dishonest and selfish and frequently accidentally wear my jacket inside out. I have an appointment with the Career Adviser at school tomorrow and would like to ask about a career. Which should I choose?
I. S. Wallow Asks:
Dear Auntie Jean, I am sitting in my best clothes in wet mud in a torrential downpour in the garden. Normally despite being an otherwise intelligent human being, I ask my mother whether or not to come in out of the rain.
My mother tells me I have no common sense. I have a horrific cough and what seems to be pneumonia. My mother is not speaking to me so will not tell me ei...
Magnus Carlsen from Norway asks:
"Auntie Jean, I am in the final of the world chess championship. Actually I am in the lavatory of the competition building and there is no toilet paper. I think my opponent has stuffed it all down the toilet to put me off my game. I was going to complete a series of moves ending in a spectacular "Carlsen checkmate" coup de gras, but now I can 't wipe my arse. Can...
Eric Shun asks Auntie Jean::Auntie Jean, I have accidentally come on holiday to Wales by getting on the wrong train. Is there anything I can do to stop clinical depression setting in?
Auntie Jean answers:Eric,
1) Be optimistic, try to think that something will turn up.
2) Add up all the little joyful things that happen to you during the day. For example, there was no traffic on the road, you...
Mr. Completely asks:
Dear Auntie Jean, I am trapped in a McDonalds toilet in Liverpool with my arse well and truly superglued to the porcelain W.C. Someone spread the glue all over the W.C. and like a fool I just sat down on it.
I am permanently welded to the toilet bowl now and what's worse is that there's no door on the cubicle and I nipped into the women's loo as the men's was full.
Mike Rotchburns asks:
Dear Auntie Jean,
I am a very heavy drinker and each day consume about twenty pints of bitter. I enjoy this and as my wife knew of my hobby when we met, she puts up with a lot from me really, but I also do the same with her.
Last night I staggered, singing loudly, up the drive and stumbled through the door, like you do, was sick on the carpet and stumbled up to bed.
In the 1966 World Cup final, Helmut Haller put West Germany ahead after 12 minutes. I noticed that in an episode of Fawlty Towers, Basil, with a bandage on his head is being rude to a table of very pleasant mannered Germans.
On the credits I noticed the name of Helmut Haller. Is this the same Helmut Haller who scored the goal for West Germany?
Colonel Blink (Chipping Norton).
Barry McCociner asks:
I have recently discovered secret messages on Tomato Sauce bottle labels.
These messages form part of a code which, when you take the 3rd letter of each word and assemble the whole string of letters and reverse them, reveal top secret instructions about preparing a landing site for the forthcoming invasion of earth by aliens from the planet Zod.
Transgender Op Reversal
I have had a sex change using guidance from a DIY website. After sending a Western Union transfer to Asomal Ian Pyreat purportedly in Nigeria. a photocopy of two pages from Greys Anatomy, a boxcutter, a blowtorch and a mini tube of superglue arrived. I followed the instructions but next door's dog ran away with my testicles. I have changed my mind now.
Auntie Jean Advises - Boy John from Bradford
I am a student aged 21. Recently I went on a hiking trip in Peru. I was with a party of fellow students raising money for the student bar at Bradford University. The trip went well even including a once in a lifetime climb to explore Machu Picchu. We camped in our portable tents at night and at the end of the trek usually went swimmin...
I have a personal problem which I can hardly bring myself to mention. I'm afraid to admit that when short of money recently I did the unthinkable and went down to the Docks area to try to earn some money. I knew that the means of earning cash for services rendered was still available, and that my advancing years may work against my ambitions.
So I made my way to the sperm donat...
Sorry, you can't go back any further!
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An original metaphor:
Roseanne Claims that Ambien Turned Her Into An Asshole
Trump Pardons Himself for All the Pussies He's Grabbed
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