Magnus Carlsen from Norway asks:
"Auntie Jean, I am in the final of the world chess championship. Actually I am in the lavatory of the competition building and there is no toilet paper. I think my opponent has stuffed it all down the toilet to put me off my game. I was going to complete a series of moves ending in a spectacular "Carlsen checkmate" coup de gras, but now I can 't wipe my arse. Can...
Eric Shun asks Auntie Jean::Auntie Jean, I have accidentally come on holiday to Wales by getting on the wrong train. Is there anything I can do to stop clinical depression setting in?
Auntie Jean answers:Eric,
1) Be optimistic, try to think that something will turn up.
2) Add up all the little joyful things that happen to you during the day. For example, there was no traffic on the road, you...
Mr. Completely asks:
Dear Auntie Jean, I am trapped in a McDonalds toilet in Liverpool with my arse well and truly superglued to the porcelain W.C. Someone spread the glue all over the W.C. and like a fool I just sat down on it.
I am permanently welded to the toilet bowl now and what's worse is that there's no door on the cubicle and I nipped into the women's loo as the men's was full.
Mike Rotchburns asks:
Dear Auntie Jean,
I am a very heavy drinker and each day consume about twenty pints of bitter. I enjoy this and as my wife knew of my hobby when we met, she puts up with a lot from me really, but I also do the same with her.
Last night I staggered, singing loudly, up the drive and stumbled through the door, like you do, was sick on the carpet and stumbled up to bed.
In the 1966 World Cup final, Helmut Haller put West Germany ahead after 12 minutes. I noticed that in an episode of Fawlty Towers, Basil, with a bandage on his head is being rude to a table of very pleasant mannered Germans.
On the credits I noticed the name of Helmut Haller. Is this the same Helmut Haller who scored the goal for West Germany?
Colonel Blink (Chipping Norton).
Barry McCociner asks:
I have recently discovered secret messages on Tomato Sauce bottle labels.
These messages form part of a code which, when you take the 3rd letter of each word and assemble the whole string of letters and reverse them, reveal top secret instructions about preparing a landing site for the forthcoming invasion of earth by aliens from the planet Zod.
Transgender Op Reversal
I have had a sex change using guidance from a DIY website. After sending a Western Union transfer to Asomal Ian Pyreat purportedly in Nigeria. a photocopy of two pages from Greys Anatomy, a boxcutter, a blowtorch and a mini tube of superglue arrived. I followed the instructions but next door's dog ran away with my testicles. I have changed my mind now.
Auntie Jean Advises - Boy John from Bradford
I am a student aged 21. Recently I went on a hiking trip in Peru. I was with a party of fellow students raising money for the student bar at Bradford University. The trip went well even including a once in a lifetime climb to explore Machu Picchu. We camped in our portable tents at night and at the end of the trek usually went swimmin...
I have a personal problem which I can hardly bring myself to mention. I'm afraid to admit that when short of money recently I did the unthinkable and went down to the Docks area to try to earn some money. I knew that the means of earning cash for services rendered was still available, and that my advancing years may work against my ambitions.
So I made my way to the sperm donat...
Dick Athlon asks Auntie Jean:
I am a British Spy and I am trapped in a padlocked sports bag. I was having a bath while locked in my diplomatic bag as usual.
The apartment steward unexpectedly came into my flat and took the bag (with me inside it) to Heathrow airport. I think I am in the luggage hold of a plane in mid flight.
My phone battery is almost depleted. On looking...
Can I tell if she's a Ladyboy?
"Convincing" asks Auntie Jean's Advice:
Auntie Jean, just lately I have been "misled" by a series of very authentic looking Ladyboys. Sometimes they meet me socially and it's a kiss goodnight afterwards and a tops fondle and tongues.
A few days afterwards, another drink and meal and its a handjob and tops. It can take a week or so of wasted time and money be...
Gaffa Tape asks:
Dear Auntie Jean,
Is a distinguished gentleman shafting my wife or is my wife a closet lesbian?
I have been married for 3 years and was recently putting her underwear back in the drawers after my regular afternoon's trannying when I noticed some men's shirts in the bottom of the drawer. Underneath the shirts were a pipe and tobacco and an assortment of theatrical beards.
Here at Rocko's Perspective, we keep finding solutions to everyone's problem. But 25.0765% of the letters I receive have a common problem -- they knock on your door and scare you with fire and brimstone. Yes, you know where I'm heading.
They might be annoying at times, to the point of throwing the Panzer Kitchenware Anti-Gravity Pots and Pans at them. Well, that might shoo them away, but they'l...
Hear ye, hear ye! We received another letter from a curious lady, who is curious on what shall not be suffered to live. Here's her letter:
I had a breakup with my boyfriend because he told me that I don't deserve to live. He keeps slapping me with some quotes from his Bible just because I am not going to Topeka, Kansas with him. He's planning to join the "cult" called "Westboro B...
MINNEAPOLIS, MN-In a shocking turn of events ailing Dear Abby advice columnist Pauline Phillips shelved her customary charm by issuing a final declaration for her readers to "go fuck themselves."
"I've always looked to her column for quaint life a...
(AP) Minneapolis- In a surprise development, an apparition described by many as the "ghost of Dear Abby" has been visiting dozens of Minneapolis homes giving unwanted advice.
Pauline Phillips, better known to millions of newspaper readers for deca...
Just call me Sabrina, from Saffron City, Kanto. I have a neighbor who annoys me by leaving pamphlets and Chick tracts at my doors and windows. This neighbor just moved from Westboro, and I don't know if I let my Alakazam use a Pokemon move on that guy because doing it violates my beliefs. I already reported this to the police station, but this still keeps on going. I need advice. Bl...
Robert Pattinson The Geordie Horse was voted Number One Problem-Solving Equine in a Gallop Poll
I am a kleptomaniac. My flat is like Aladdin's Cave. I have just come back from town with three lampshades, an electric blanket and a pork pie hat. I can hardly move for contraband. What can I do?
Robert Pattinson writes: Neigh, neigh, hinny. Thoo's saddle...