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Funny story: "Acton Greengrocer Told Chubby Check-Out Girl He Was Picasso's Son" : Court Told

"Acton Greengrocer Told Chubby Check-Out Girl He Was Picasso's Son" : Court Told

Acton greengrocer, Terry Smurge, offered dim-witted supermarket check-out girl, Donna Ormiston, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be his personal nude model, Acton Magistrates were told today. Smurge, a filthy pervert with a string of previous...
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Funny story: BBC TV's 'Danton Abbey' Written-Off After Catastrophic Bethnal Green Pile-Up

BBC TV's 'Danton Abbey' Written-Off After Catastrophic Bethnal Green Pile-Up

Millions of petrolheads, excitedly waiting for the BBC's first ever Bethnal Green costume drama, are in for a big disappointment. 'Danton Abbey' - Harold Pinter's posthumous £80m twelve-part blockbuster, set in a dodgy backstreet garage off the Mile End Road, now looks unlikely to ever make it onto the small screen. "It's a right sodding balls-up," moaned one-legged newt collector, Danton O...
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Funny story: Renoir Masterpiece Found In Acton Town Hall

Renoir Masterpiece Found In Acton Town Hall

The art world celebrated today, after Impressionist Pierre-Auguste Renoir's magnificent "Nude With Umbrella" was discovered in the dusty attic of Acton Town Hall. The priceless canvas was found in a windowless vault, untouched by man for over a ce...
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Funny story: Man Weds Chihuahua For Greater Security

Man Weds Chihuahua For Greater Security

Acton hedge-cutter, Ted Parsley, has secretly married Camilla, his six year old long-haired pedigree chihuahua. The wedding took place this morning at Acton Registry Office and was witnessed by Mr and Mrs Alfred Prendergast, who just happened to b...
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Funny story: Fat Woman Explodes In Acton Bingo Hall

Fat Woman Explodes In Acton Bingo Hall

An obese woman exploded this afternoon in an exclusive Acton bingo hall. Beryl Lardarse, a 34 stone sixty two year old M&S underwear model, had managed to wedge her dainty 57 inch arse into a couple of seats on the aisle of row three. So fa...
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Funny story: Acton Manhunt After Dismembered Body Discovery

Acton Manhunt After Dismembered Body Discovery

Murder Squad Detectives imposed an immediate curfew around Central Acton last night after a fully clothed old lady discovered the remains of a dismembered chicken. Just after midnight, loud hailers ordered the general public off all streets surrou...
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Funny story: UK Economy Rescued By Haggis Boom in Acton Polski Sklep

UK Economy Rescued By Haggis Boom in Acton Polski Sklep

The struggling UK economy boomed back to life this morning after a modest Polish shop in Acton reported massive sales of Haggis. Queues to purchase McQueen's (made in Warsaw) Haggis began forming outside Yulia Wartalski's Polski Sklep late yesterd...
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Funny story: Hitler's Lost Testicle Found In Polski Sklep

Hitler's Lost Testicle Found In Polski Sklep

The missing left testicle of Reich Chancellor Adolf Hitler finally turned up today on the bacon counter of a Polish shop in Acton. Antique dealers across Europe have always suspected the pickled testicle would eventually turn up, after exhaustive...
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Funny story: Acton Forum: Knife Crime by Brenda Stoat

Acton Forum: Knife Crime by Brenda Stoat

Today, your favourite mass circulation Acton Gazette launches our inaugural Local Opinion Forum. In which selected residents are invited to give their personal view on a variety of important local issues. To start us off in this current climate of violence on our streets and in our schools, we have invited celebrated local housewife, Mrs Brenda Stoat MBE, to weigh-up the complexities of knif...
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Funny story: Acton Man Trains Tortoise Kick-Boxing Champ

Acton Man Trains Tortoise Kick-Boxing Champ

Terry Sponge, an unemployed Acton baby-snatcher, is offering £1000 to any tortoise who can survive ten minutes in the ring with Archie, his 15 year old kick-boxing prodigy. "Archie's the best light middle-weight kick-boxing tortoise I've ever come...
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Funny story: Acton man blames Einstein for parking ticket

Acton man blames Einstein for parking ticket

Acton electrician Terry Scrote has blamed celebrated genius Albert Einstein for a fixed penalty notice he received whilst parked outside a greasy spoon. "I popped in for a £4-95 all day breakfast with extra bubble, and got involved in a barney wit...
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Funny story: "Acton Furniture Pervert Fiddled With Shrubs" - Court Told

"Acton Furniture Pervert Fiddled With Shrubs" - Court Told

Coconut and Furniture pervert, Terry Skuttle, was dragged back to Acton Magistrates Court yesterday to face new charges of fiddling with garden shrubs. Traumatised Vice Squad officers told the court how Skuttle broke into a back garden in Rosamund...
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Funny story: Acton Pervert Fondled Coconuts In Broad Daylight

Acton Pervert Fondled Coconuts In Broad Daylight

Acton furniture pervert, Terry Skuttle, currently serving six months in HM prison Wormwood Scrubs, was brought back to court this morning to face separate charges of fondling coconuts in public. Prosecuting council, Gerald Ogilvie QC, told magistr...
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Funny story: Acton Magistrates Gaol Fiend For Offences Against Furniture

Acton Magistrates Gaol Fiend For Offences Against Furniture

Acton pervert, Terry Skuttle, was gaoled today after pleading guilty to a string of unspeakable offences against antique furniture. Magistrates heard how in February this year, Skuttle broke into a house in Fletcher Road, where he made an indecent...
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