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Jobless father who blew benefits on sausage rolls banned from every Greggs bakery on 13-mile stretch of coast

A feckless father has been banned from every single Greggs along an entire 13 mile stretch of coastland after going on a six year sausage roll addiction funded by state handouts. Jobless Mervin Gardener, 25, terrorised police, supermarket security...

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Road reopens after Asda receipt is found on M2 near Sittingbourne

Funny story: Road reopens after Asda receipt is found on M2 near Sittingbourne

A section of the M2 has reopened - more than eight hours after an Asda receipt was found near a slip road. Highways Agency experts say the receipt has now been removed from near the exit slip road at Junction 5 of the M2 coastbound carriageway for...

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Shopping: The Manchester Way

Two femme Fatales were arrested by the police yesterday after their daring robbery was foiled by most high tech (and unstoppable) of police tactics. The stationary, highly visible security camera. The two woman gang, made up of Rose "The Flowerpo...

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Wal-Mart Opens City-Store

Funny story: Wal-Mart Opens City-Store

WAL-MARTIA - Just outside of Chicago is a brand-new Wal-Mart. Wal-Martia, the latest expansion ever by the retail transnational, will cover 103 sq mi (270 sq. km), or roughly the size of Birmingham (UK) or the size of Queens in New York. "Wal-...

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Third Miliband brother found working in Asda

Funny story: Third Miliband brother found working in Asda

As Ed beat David in the Labour leadership challenge, customers at the Asda in Dulwich were shocked to find the third Miliband brother collecting trolleys form the supermarket car park. 'It's uncanny' said 90 year old shopper Hilda Lineker, 'I was...

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ASDA to re-label all home brand foods in Yiddish

Funny story: ASDA to re-label all home brand foods in Yiddish

UK leading supermarket chain, ASDA, has announced that in an effort to embrace a multicultural Britain, It will be re-labelling all its home brand foods in Yiddish. Customers will be encouraged to learn the translations in order to make the wealt...

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Amazon Explorers Discover Supermarkets Deep In Jungle

Funny story: Amazon Explorers Discover Supermarkets Deep In Jungle

A team of intrepid explorers working deep in a previously-uncharted area of the Amazon rainforest in Brasil, had the shock of their lives this week when, instead of the lost tribe of pygmies they were looking for, they stumbled upon an even greater d...

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Asda Offers Job Help to Bankers

Supermarket titan Asda has offered a lifeline to bankers left redundant as a result of the economic crisis, with the announcement of new employment opportunities. Asda said "we are delighted to be helping out bankers in their current straitened ti...

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Supermarket unveils new Environmental Policy

Funny story: Supermarket unveils new Environmental Policy

A superstore giant today unveiled its attempts to save the planet. With the British Government indicating that if the supermarkets do not control the number of plastic bags in circulation, then they will act, the supermarket chain has responded by pu...

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Kevin Keegan storms out of Asda after only 10 minutes

Funny story: Kevin Keegan storms out of Asda after only 10 minutes

Kevin Keegan was last night seen storming out of Asda after only being in the supermarket for 10 minutes. The announcement follows lengthy talks between the 57-year-old and the store manager Brian Richardson. "I've been working desperately hard...

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Internet shopping van delivery driver sues supermarket over work practices

Funny story: Internet shopping van delivery driver sues supermarket over work practices

Harry Van Dieselgaspetrol, a driver for the internet home shopping delivery service operated by a top supermarket, is suing the supermarket over their work practices. A writ has been issued today to the Cheshunt head office of the retail giant by...

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ASDA Spawn New Line In French Salad

Funny story: ASDA Spawn New Line In French Salad

ASDA, the family friendly front for the multi-racist and bigoted American dictators; WALMART have offended the French by selling FROGS with their French salads. In a bizarre, almost nonchalant statement, ASDA said the new range of French salads we...

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National Gay Day Announced

Funny story: National Gay Day Announced

April 1 is to be the UK's first National Gay Day. The new public holiday has been announced by the Days Off and Sickies Committee of the Government's Environment Agency.

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Tesco Worker Suspended for Shopping at Asda

Funny story: Tesco Worker Suspended for Shopping at Asda

A hitherto loyal Tesco shelf-stacker has been suspended and threatened with the sack, for doing his shopping at Asda, it has been reported.

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John Reid announces every day to be April Fools Day

Funny story: John Reid announces every day to be April Fools Day

I suppose that the next logical step after Tesco law, should be the introduction of Tesco jails. Local clinks are to be built on every street corner, to imprison for up to 4 hours, anyone found to be dropping litter or allowing their dogs to foul the...

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New ASDA Maternity Units Help Deliver 8,000 New Babies In 2007

Funny story: New ASDA Maternity Units Help Deliver 8,000 New Babies In 2007

ASDA are to deliver 8,000 news babies by installing a minimum of 18 new maternity units across the UK this year, the store announced today. In addition, it is to carry out improvements to 14 of its existing stores and roll out the successful crèche f...

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Walmart Sells Dollar for Less Than a Dollar

Funny story: Walmart Sells Dollar for Less Than a Dollar

Walmart becomes the first corporation in the history of mankind to sell a dollar for less than a dollar. At midnight tonight, the cut-price dollar will be unveiled at all Walmart stores, and...

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ASDA build 'Death Store' to crush rebel shopkeeping alliance.

Funny story: ASDA build 'Death Store' to crush rebel shopkeeping alliance.

ASDA have been criticised for building a weapon the size of a planet which, if predictions are correct, will be capable of wiping out all small newsagents and tobacconists.

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Breaking news…

The Only Way to Get the Palestinians to the Table

Our Middle East correspondent M. Voltaire opines: If you want PLO/Hamas to come to the Peace Table, set out copious quantities of rancid cheese --it's the only enticing incentive for street rats.
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