(1) You pick up speed. You find yourself singing "Where have all the flowers gone?" at taxi ramps. Or, "When I was twenty-one it was a very good year...." . People hide their children and move away from you because they think you have Ebola.
(2) Girls don't find you attractive any more. They call you "an interesting man" but only to strangers who wonder how you can walk unaided, the way an astr...
If you spot one of the following signs you need to have a long talk with your partner. If you spot more than two you should pack your things immediately and take a long holiday. If you spot all ten, and are still alive and living with your partner, you should seek urgent, psychiatric help.
1."Shouts of "Stop it! Stop it!" coming from your bedroom. And when you open the door you find her reading...
1)Spray a place mat with matt black paint - abracadabra!! - its an expensive Ipad to walk out of your door with.
2)Make the people next door think you are having a glamorous "Hog Roast" garden party by getting a large road kill fox and roasting it over 4 portable barbecues.
3)Make people think you have a posh car by offering Porsche owners free parking in your drive while they go to work on...
New to Australia? Here's our survival guide for your "New life in the sun" :
1) Don't rush into the nearest bit of sea, a shark will kill you.
2) Don't valiantly remove a spider from your pretty neighbour's bath, it will sink its deadly fangs into you and you will have 20 minutes to get an antidote or or it will kill you.
3) Don't leave your baby in her pram while you sunbathe, Dingos (pois...
THE TOP TEN BEST SELLING SINGLES OF ALL TIME ARE AS FOLLOWS:
1. If you leave me, I will kill myself.
2. If you don't leave me, I will kill myself.
3. I can't live without you. Until I get over it.
4. I would want to kill you if you ever left me but, as I am such a nice guy, I must spare you.
5. The first time ever I saw your face, I thought the Sun rose in your eyes. Now that you've...
Here's some great tips to help you get the best out of life when running on a limited budget.
1. Don't holiday abroad. Book a caravan in your local caravan park, and come home to cook meals cheaply.
2. Take a six-pack of supermarket brand beer into the pub with you, and buy only one beer in the pub. Then instead of ordering more drinks, just top up your own from the can. You'll save a fortun...
Following are some weird laws from earlier Tennessee and have not been written off the list, so beware if you're visiting Dollywood or the Smoky Mountains.
1. No going bare in Bear Territory. We have lost too many of our citizens to still sleepy bears in the Spring.
2. A lightning storm while on the mountain is pretty but you should get down as soon as possible as there is no way of not stan...
If you are sick and tired of "Brandy, You're A Fine Girl or "You're 16, You're Beautiful and You're Mine", you might want to try these new Radio Formats coming in the next month or so:
1. Bagpipes For Making Out
2. Amish Silence With Frog Calls and Crickets
3. The All-Night Static Station for those Who are Nostalgic
4. From Yoda To Yoko
5. Twilight Time for Transvestites
10 Riding on a horse has similar moves but the horse may not know what you're doing up there.
9. If you have a big butt, be careful you don't clear the floor!
8 Do not attempt if you have artificial hip or knee.
7. Check for "Wet Floor" signs.
6. Look around and be sure Kim Kardashian is not dancing there.
5. If you're a guy and it makes you feel gay, just do something else.
During our dinner date, I took what I thought
was my heart medication. Within 30 minutes
I realized I had committed a colossal boner.
I think the saddest thing about a guy
falling asleep at the wheel and dying
is that in all likelihood, the last thing
on earth he heard was Yanni on the radio.
I'd never make it on one of those
Survivor shows. Every time I think
about eating somethi...
These Top Ten Ways to lose weight are easy as falling off a log. (Guess I better take that one off).
1. Always sleep on a vibrating bed.
2. Go Over A Fence that has a warning sign, "Dozen Bulls Horny Here!"
3. Crap on your food.
4. Easiest Push-Ups! (Pushing Up Daisies)
5. Snack on salted packing peanuts!
6. When introducing yourself at 'Get Acquainted Singles Meet', "Hello, my n...
1. beef liver
2. brussel sprouts
3. canned spinach
4. Hamburger Helper
5. boiled canned peas
7. pickled beets
10. lima beans
11. pickled pig's feet
13. pickled herring
15. beef brains
16. greasy cheesy hamburgers
20. limburger ch...
1. grow beards and mustaches, chest and back hair
2. snore so loudly it can be heard two doors down
3. hunt and fish in the summer, winter, spring, and fall
4. play 18 holes of golf at the same golf course for 30+ years
5. break wind so loud it can be heard two doors down
6. change flat tires, oil, spark plugs, fuel filter, transmission fluid...
7. belch so loud it can be...
1. polish their toe nails while talking on the phone, eating a cheeseburger, and yelling at the kids
2. exercise at the gym without breaking a sweat
3. wear pointy, painful high heels all day
4. shop in all 500 stores at the Mall of America during one visit
5. pick out birthday, anniversary, Christmas, Valentine's, and Mother's Day gifts for themselves and everyone else
A secondary market in home made candy has gone stratospheric in Colorado's pot production capital.
Here are the top 10 best selling snacks on sale this morning at a Girl Guides stall outside the Denver Municipal Marijuana Dispensary at 1999 Bong Street, all priced under a dollar a munch:
1. Double chocolate fudge brownie with roasted pistachio crust
2. Polish-style baked lemon cheesecak...
1. The Centipedes
2. Blackboard and the Nails
3. Cillia and the Phlegms
4. Joe Plaque and the Arteries
5. The Wheres
6. The Whens
7. The Whys
8. The Raisinettes
9. Boney and The Mastoids
10. Old Tuna
11. Icy and the Broken Hips
12. Arafat and the Jordanaires
13. Scud Missiles
14. The Rotten Mastodons
15. Orca Dinner
16. Stubby Toe and the...
CHICAGO - The Amalgamated Data Gathering Agency, recently conducted a national survey to determine the worst cat names in the United States.
ADGA Executive Director Bagby B. Buckleybox, who has four cats, stated that over 825,000 individuals participated in the nationwide poll.
Many of the participants submitted foreign cat names, but it was decided that these names would not be used since a...
In the week leading up to Valentine's Day, more than 35 million heart-shaped boxes of chocolate are purchased and over $1 billion worth of chocolate is sold in the U.S.
The editors applaud the chocolate companies, like Whitman's, who give the consumer a chart with each chocolate box that lists each filling, so you can choose the ones you like best.
But let the chocolate eater beware! Whil...