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Dr Farquar presents The Latest Least Xenophobic International Poll

I'm proud to be English because when we have a joke told to us, and don't understand it, we pull a face like we have made a mistake in our trousers. We don't just laugh politely, like the Dutch. The Dutch are a fickle race. You can get arrested for growing plants but for not smoking them. You can legally kill yourself. You take the piss out of the Germans and still drink their beer. I love...

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Corn Flakes Box Doorstoppers: How To Make One

Funny story: Corn Flakes Box Doorstoppers: How To Make One

Here we are again with the latest in our How To Make One series, and this time it's something extremely useful, and also muchly cheap! If you've ever needed something to keep the door ajar on hot summer days, you're in luck, because my latest idea is the Corn Flakes box doorstopper. First, you need an empty Corn Flakes box. Size doesn't matter, but, if you really want to impress the neighbou...

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Braveheart of Coward?

Funny story: Braveheart of Coward?

Just a bit of "Rajing" fun that flipped into my head during brain surgery after the missus flung the frying pan at me; it's a menopause thing! Mad dogs and Englishmen! A sip of green tea dashed with a slice of fresh lemon passes her lips as she sits beneath swaying palm leaves and a Bengali breeze. "Darling, what on earth is that total Nutcase doing out there in this damn heat?. "Swee...

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How to Solve the World's Problems

Funny story: How to Solve the World's Problems

A world order is not a bad idea. What is bad about it is WHO intends to run it and HOW and what will become of us all if they get their way. So, ending that is the first step to establishing the unity of Mankind. How? Here's what we do. We end the ruling bloodlines, the malevolent dynasties, the black heart of capitalism. We do this by closing down all the banks and putting on trial all those r...

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Whatever anyway

Funny story: Whatever anyway

Anyway, whatever. Whatever you say. Anyway, who cares. ANY WAY? You must be joking. There are some ways that are just not me. We know you are always right anyway. So... Whatever you say Dad. Anyway what's the use? Right? Anyway - it'll all be the same in a thousand years - So whatever? You must be joking! What a drag. I can't believe it. But...whatever. Anyway I don't really care. W...

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Ratatouille two-step

Funny story: Ratatouille two-step

A man who had previously complained that a rat had 'run up his leg' while he was eating in his local Wetherspoon's pub has been exposed as a fraud. Dick Soars, 57, was on a blind Internet date with, Mona Lotz, a nubile Lithuanian wench and had arr...

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Life for Sale

Funny story: Life for Sale

Wall Street New York Our Financial Times Reporter. Life has been floated on the US Stocks share market. It opened at a dollar a share. Dividends are rewarded per percentage yield converted into minutes and hours of extra life. It has no basis in reality, of course, but like money itself depends entirely on consensus belief for its existence. Speculators believe that if they can accumulate enough...

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Après la vie

In physics, energy can be transferred or converted to kinetic, radiant, elastic, thermal or chemical energy, but it cannot be created or destroyed. Benjamin Franklin, born 1706, before his discovery, believed that 'clouds formed over the ocean had more electricity than clouds formed over the land; therefore, when these two clouds came close enough to one anther, the different charges had to eq...

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The Case Against Recreation - Part 25: Balooning

Balooning- Hot air ballooning popular in some locales that have a climate and topography suitable to such an absurd activity. To understand its appeal we need to examine the symbolism involved. First there's the basket that holds the passengers. This could mean they are all basket cases, or that they are going to hell in a handbasket, or both. Then next is the balloon that carries...

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The Case Against Recreation - Part 24: Kite Flying

Kite Flying- When someone gets disgusted with you and wants you to go away, they often say, "Go fly a kite." It's a polite way of saying, "Go to hell." This infers that kite flying is a decidedly negative thing to do. If this is true then why do people do it? There are at least two possible reasons why someone would fly a kite. The first is that they are simply intellectually inept to unde...

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The Case Against Recreation - Part 23: Camping

Funny story: The Case Against Recreation - Part 23: Camping

Camping- Camping trips are yet another example of the fixation humans has with animal behavior. Despite advanced creature comforts and housing with all the conveniences of modern living, people are still drawn to the harsh elements of the great outdoors. It's a mindless ingrained habit that defies all logic except if it's like a salmon swimming against the current to reach the spawning ground upst...

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The Case Against Recreation - Part 22: Picnics

Funny story: The Case Against Recreation - Part 22: Picnics

Picnics- involve the eating of meals in an outdoor setting such as a park. The procedure is quite simple: participants prepare the meal at home, pack it along with a table cloth, and maybe some folding chairs. Then they go to an outdoor location, perhaps a designated public picnic area where they spread the tablecloth on the ground, if no picnic tables are available. It's a popular pastime conside...

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The Case Against Recreation - Part 21: Barbeques

Funny story: The Case Against Recreation - Part 21: Barbeques

Barbeques- usually takes place in someone's backyard with family or friends gathered around a pit or grill with flaming charcoal that cooks meat. Attendees enjoy the festive atmosphere because it's an ingrained remnant of their prehistoric past when early humans killed and ate animals in the wild. Some those feasts were also rituals featuring human sacrifices atop an alter somewhat resembling a mo...

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The Case Against Recreation - Part 20: Bicycling

Funny story: The Case Against Recreation - Part 20: Bicycling

Bicycling- The growing popularity of this activity illustrates the utterly obvious infiltration of obsessive pseudo-sexual perversion running rampant throughout society like a bicyclist running through a red light at a busy intersection. The term "bicycle" is a combination of two root words meaning bi (as in bipolar or bisexual), and cycle (as in vicious cycle or recycled waste). The underlying de...

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The Case Against Recreation - Part 19: Board Games

Funny story: The Case Against Recreation - Part 19: Board Games

Board Games Board games are custom coordinated games specially designed for boring people, and as such they are ill fit for anyone who wants an interesting game to play. The slow pace of these games is an ideal match to the rate of their inert intellect. Monopoly- People who love the mind-numbing monotony choose to play the game of Monopoly, day after day, week after week; for adults i...

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The Case Against Recreation - Part 18: Billiards & Pool

Pool & Billiards- Pool players prefer to call the game Billiards so it is not confused with a swimming type of pool. And because the pool stick sounds too much like pulls dick, which is what the game is really all about. But players are understandably embarrassed by it and they don't want anyone to know. Try as they might, it's impossible to hide because the symbolism is just too obvio...

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The Case Against Recreation - Part 17: Dice & Darts

Funny story: The Case Against Recreation - Part 17: Dice & Darts

Dice & Darts- Dice games are another asinine activity usually played in sleazy bars and urban alleys by brain-dead boozehounds that are too drunk to play a smarter game. They roll the dice and instantly lose their life savings, and there is little chance they will ever recoup that seventeen dollars. A distinct breed of cretin is instinctively drawn to the game of Darts. It's a...

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The Case Against Recreation - Part 16: Card Games

Funny story: The Case Against Recreation - Part 16: Card Games

Cards- There are many types of card games, most of which are designed to pit the players against each other in order to cultivate a hostile antagonistic society, with all the problems that entails. Card games were contrived by the ruling class to control the proletariat, simple-minded, illiterate peasants who were easily manipulated by such tricks that appealed to their base instincts. Eve...

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