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Giant leatherback sea turtles menacing hapless Bognor OAPs

Funny story: Giant leatherback sea turtles menacing hapless Bognor OAPs

Sussex - Swarms of mating season Dermochelys coriacea leatherbacks were blamed today for 'hideous' attacks on British pensioners holidaying in the UK's 'Adriatic Riviera' of Bognor Regis. Invading Caribbean testudines have apparently mistaken some...

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Semi-naked Worthing pensioners loot Oxfam shop

Funny story: Semi-naked Worthing pensioners loot Oxfam shop

Bored Worthing pensioners have caused outrage in the South Coast resort after another night of rioting and looting. A gang of rowdy geriatrics were spotted outside the town's Oxfam Shop with piles of clothing, books and broken records strewn all...

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Worthing pensioners caught in Doggy position

Funny story: Worthing pensioners caught in Doggy position

Retired cinema usherette Marjorie Fosdyke-Spratt has set tongues wagging in Worthing. Miss Fosdyke-Spratt, who is 102, was discovered under West Pier slumped over her zimmer frame with her knickers in a twist. PC Eric Nonce feared that the pens...

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Top ten tips for newly retired persons

Funny story: Top ten tips for newly retired persons

Top Ten tips to the newly retired: 10. Relax for the first few days 9. Get out of bed at the same time as you did when working 8. Get washed every day and clean your teeth 7. Don't get into conversations with the tele-marketers 6. Don't start going to church if you didn't go when you were working. This will only depress you. 5. Get to know your neighbo...

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Letters To The Editor - From Pensioners

Funny story: Letters To The Editor - From Pensioners

DIGGING Dear Editor, I know people talk all the time about how dull us elderly folk are, and about how we're forever harping on about the good old days, but I make no excuses for calling for the reintroduction of rationing. It never did us any harm, during or after the war, and you didn't see fat kids lolloping about back then. I genuinely believe that youngsters today would be far healthier...

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Sheffield pensioner hounded off YouTube by America

Funny story: Sheffield pensioner hounded off YouTube by America

Doting grandmother Nelly Bother, 76, was distraught today after her first tentative steps into the information age were completely ruined by the collective efforts of a bunch of Yanks. Nelly, of Shiregreen, with the help of her Help the Aged suppo...

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Alliance To Target Over Sixty Fives

Funny story: Alliance To Target Over Sixty Fives

The government has announced plans to reduce the number of pensioners nationwide. This is the latest in a long line of initiatives to reduce the national debt. Pensioners, they say, are a drain on national resources. Not only do they drain billion...

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Woman Begs Council To Rehouse Her Family Because House Is Too Big

Funny story: Woman Begs Council To Rehouse Her Family Because House Is Too Big

A woman has requested the borough of Kensington and Chelsea to rehouse her and her family because the house is too big. Elizabeth Windsor and her husband Phillip are said to be shagged out just getting to the breakfast table in the mornings. They are...

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Queen makes use of her bus pass

Funny story: Queen makes use of her bus pass

With the news that the Queen has asked the Middletons to help pay for the Royal Wedding, other cost saving measures employed by the monarchy are indicating that all is not well with the Windsor's finances. In the past few royal engagements it has...

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Discrimination Presenter Gets New BBC Job

Funny story: Discrimination Presenter Gets New BBC Job

Miriam O'Reilly, who won an age discrimination case against the BBC last year, has been given a new role by BBC One. 54 year old O'Reilly, who took the Beeb to an industrial tribunal after losing her job on Countryfile (and won the case) , is taki...

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SOS! - Save our sheds! - OAP revolts!

Funny story: SOS! - Save our sheds! - OAP revolts!

In the wake of police advice to homeowners to be a bit careful about how they go about protecting their garden sheds, just in case potential thieves or marauding pikeys should injure themselves and subsequently take legal action against the shed owne...

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Helpline for tattoo victims launched

Funny story: Helpline for tattoo victims launched

Following on from the unveiling of Cheryl Cole's new back tattoo which promises to make her look really wonderful as a millionaire sunbathing pensioner in Monaco in a few decades' time, the National Union of Mentally Perplexed Tattooed Youth - NUMPTY...

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Man spots train

Funny story: Man spots train

In a week when it was feared that The Local News would have to close its doors for the last time, the situation was dramatically saved when local man Kevin Smally casually mentioned in passing that he had spotted the 12.32 from Rochester yesterday and that it was 3 minutes late! "I had been looking out of my window at the railway line when I saw the train pass" said the dynamic senior citizen.

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Pensioners Riot Over Public Toilet Price Increase

Funny story: Pensioners Riot Over Public Toilet Price Increase

The government was in turmoil today when hundreds of old age pensioners descended on Downing street and caused considerable damage to buildings and public property during hours of rioting. Home Office spokesperson, Askew Smythe, said the governmen...

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Rooney being sued for damages after breaking war veteran's window

Wayne Rooney is being sued for damages for breaking an 83 year old pensioner's window who served in World War Two. The event took place on Monday night when Wayne Rooney missed a penalty at Old Trafford when Manchester United played Arsenal and en...

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Pensioner has her back door smashed in

Funny story: Pensioner has her back door smashed in

An elderly woman from Margate was recovering today after her back door was smashed in by a rampaging Rottweiler dog. The pensioner was bending over to feed her cat when all of a sudden she felt a furry presence between her legs - as the cat fl...

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Bus Passes thing of the Past

Funny story: Bus Passes thing of the Past

The Government has announced a revision of the Bus Pass allowances for people under 90 years of age. Protests from elderly citizens have been met vigoursly by Ministers. Suggestions that the Conservatives are going back on election promises are be...

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Government Taking the Piss over Pension Reforms

The government are currently assessing proposals to how State Pensions are calculated, with plans to move away from the age-assessment which has been in place since everything was in black and white and before the smile was invented. Working from...

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Fake Friend

Surprise, surprise! Apparently, Omarosa was Trump’s fake friend. This is definitely sad.
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